1
00:00:00,420 –> 00:00:05,160
When you’re taking in information,
whether it’s verbal or written, slow down.

2
00:00:06,510 –> 00:00:12,300
Listen to the words, or hear the words,
or read the words, and, um, listen for

3
00:00:12,300 –> 00:00:16,170
understanding of, of what the person’s
saying or what the text is saying.

4
00:00:16,710 –> 00:00:19,440
And then, you know,
take action from there.

5
00:00:19,440 –> 00:00:19,710
But.

6
00:00:54,350 –> 00:00:57,070
Today, we are speaking with Bob Wischer.

7
00:00:57,800 –> 00:01:04,670
He is the relationship engineer
and he developed a coaching

8
00:01:04,670 –> 00:01:10,130
program, a group, called Men’s,
Men Becoming Better Men Group.

9
00:01:11,150 –> 00:01:14,630
Bob, could you please introduce
yourself and let people know a

10
00:01:14,630 –> 00:01:15,830
little more about you please?

11
00:01:16,935 –> 00:01:17,715
Yeah, sure.

12
00:01:17,835 –> 00:01:22,905
Um, I’m currently, uh, hanging out here
in Michigan, currently rainy Michigan.

13
00:01:23,235 –> 00:01:29,145
Um, but I, uh, started Men Becoming
Better Men about six years ago, uh,

14
00:01:29,145 –> 00:01:34,480
as an in-person group, um, which
morphed into a, a coaching program

15
00:01:34,660 –> 00:01:36,345
and, and, and some other things.

16
00:01:36,585 –> 00:01:40,665
But what I do is I help men strengthen
marriages, uh, help ’em build trust

17
00:01:40,665 –> 00:01:44,685
and relationships and align their
ambition with their values so that

18
00:01:44,685 –> 00:01:48,645
they can win in business without
sacrificing the things that matter most.

19
00:01:49,365 –> 00:01:49,635
Yeah.

20
00:01:49,635 –> 00:01:52,395
It’s pretty awesome looking
into what you do, Bob.

21
00:01:52,395 –> 00:01:58,140
It’s fascinating, you come
from that hardship learning

22
00:01:58,140 –> 00:02:00,630
experience from a bad marriage.

23
00:02:00,780 –> 00:02:05,820
I, I don’t know if it’s a bad marriage,
but it’s a marriage that was dissolved.

24
00:02:06,869 –> 00:02:07,289
Okay.

25
00:02:07,530 –> 00:02:11,850
And, and you know, it, it really
differs in marriages a lot.

26
00:02:12,120 –> 00:02:18,660
So I, I’m careful that I don’t
stomp on people’s feet when I

27
00:02:18,660 –> 00:02:24,040
talk about my own experiences
because they differ in many ways.

28
00:02:24,490 –> 00:02:33,600
So, I really wanna start here by,
could you explain what a man is to us?

29
00:02:34,950 –> 00:02:36,060
What a man is.

30
00:02:36,120 –> 00:02:36,810
Oh, wow.

31
00:02:36,900 –> 00:02:43,200
Um, aside from the obvious,
the physical natures of it?

32
00:02:43,440 –> 00:02:46,410
Yes, biological aside.

33
00:02:46,800 –> 00:02:48,270
Yeah, the biological pieces.

34
00:02:48,630 –> 00:02:51,150
Uh, we had, I think we can,
we, we could skip that part.

35
00:02:51,210 –> 00:02:53,070
Um, what a man is?

36
00:02:53,130 –> 00:02:55,050
Um, never really been asked
that question that way.

37
00:02:55,050 –> 00:02:57,455
But, um, what I,

38
00:02:59,654 –> 00:03:05,024
what I think of when I think of, you know,
a man as, as someone who’s a leader, um, a

39
00:03:05,024 –> 00:03:10,904
protector, a provider, um, you know, the,
the, the traditional sense of the word.

40
00:03:11,024 –> 00:03:13,605
Um, but not,

41
00:03:15,915 –> 00:03:20,535
not, I, I don’t wanna use the
word, not, not a ruler, not a king.

42
00:03:21,105 –> 00:03:26,265
Um, I mean, a lot of men can,
can feel like they’re, they’re

43
00:03:26,265 –> 00:03:30,645
king of world, but I, I, I, I,
it’s not a ruling type of thing.

44
00:03:30,645 –> 00:03:32,805
I, I don’t buy into that.

45
00:03:32,805 –> 00:03:38,475
I think there’s, um, there’s,
there’s reasons for and, and purpose

46
00:03:38,475 –> 00:03:45,375
behind, um, a lot of our, the, the
leadership things and protection

47
00:03:45,405 –> 00:03:49,725
pieces that we need to do, obviously
physically stronger in most cases.

48
00:03:49,785 –> 00:03:57,780
Um, uh, now the, traditionally in the,
in the workplace, you know, picking up

49
00:03:57,780 –> 00:03:59,579
the slack and, and doing those things.

50
00:04:00,130 –> 00:04:01,920
Obviously we can’t bear children.

51
00:04:02,010 –> 00:04:04,680
We can’t, you know, do a lot
of those things that women are,

52
00:04:04,710 –> 00:04:07,860
women are doing traditionally in,
in marriages and relationships.

53
00:04:07,860 –> 00:04:10,110
So, um, yeah.

54
00:04:10,110 –> 00:04:16,170
But I, very traditional, um, sense of the
word and, uh, just trying to lift men up

55
00:04:16,170 –> 00:04:23,550
to, to, to actually live into that because
a lot of men nowadays are, you know, kind

56
00:04:23,550 –> 00:04:28,620
of, kind of beaten down by the whole, you
know, men are worthless type of scenario.

57
00:04:29,190 –> 00:04:34,650
And what I, what I’ve, what I try to
work with men on and teach men on is

58
00:04:34,650 –> 00:04:37,590
that we’re, we’re not, we need, we
need to assume those leadership roles.

59
00:04:37,590 –> 00:04:45,710
And the more we let go of those leadership
type roles, um, the more women that,

60
00:04:45,710 –> 00:04:49,710
and my understanding of it is women
are, are, are taking on those roles

61
00:04:49,710 –> 00:04:51,420
because we’re not performing them.

62
00:04:51,720 –> 00:04:55,110
And when women are performing
those roles, they get, there again,

63
00:04:55,530 –> 00:04:59,970
we’re not, they’re not programmed,
you know, biologically, DNA wise,

64
00:05:00,060 –> 00:05:02,401
programmed to do those types of things.

65
00:05:02,745 –> 00:05:06,299
And they get, you know, they get
frustrated, they get tired, they get,

66
00:05:06,299 –> 00:05:08,070
you know, out of, out of sorts with that.

67
00:05:08,070 –> 00:05:10,380
And then they start looking
at the husband, I, you

68
00:05:10,380 –> 00:05:11,729
know, why are you worthless?

69
00:05:11,729 –> 00:05:13,890
I’m, you know, I’m gonna
go find a guy that isn’t.

70
00:05:14,460 –> 00:05:19,919
So, uh, uh, a lot of, a lot of the, the
guys that I work with are the type that,

71
00:05:20,640 –> 00:05:25,575
um, have the, have the, well, it’s, it’s
usually, at this point, it’s, it’s the

72
00:05:25,575 –> 00:05:27,555
guys that have lost those relationships.

73
00:05:27,555 –> 00:05:31,755
Have been, not being the man that
they’re, that they could be or

74
00:05:31,755 –> 00:05:36,615
should be, and that the wives are
like, you know, I’m checking out.

75
00:05:36,615 –> 00:05:38,955
I’m, I’m gonna go have another
relationship, I’m gonna leave

76
00:05:38,955 –> 00:05:39,885
you, I’m gonna whatever.

77
00:05:40,155 –> 00:05:43,784
Because they’re not, you’re not providing
that safety, that, um, that strength,

78
00:05:43,784 –> 00:05:48,555
that safety, that protection that
traditionally, um, comes with being a man.

79
00:05:50,730 –> 00:05:56,250
Yeah, you know, the roles have been
shifting in the years, you know,

80
00:05:56,250 –> 00:06:03,150
as, as we go on and, and I find,
myself, that we are seeing hardships

81
00:06:03,150 –> 00:06:05,910
develop out of these role changes.

82
00:06:06,300 –> 00:06:11,400
And it’s, it’s very important for
people to recognize that and own up

83
00:06:11,400 –> 00:06:13,590
to it, be truthful with yourself.

84
00:06:13,920 –> 00:06:19,050
And, you know, I, I like that you
started it off, it’s really not a

85
00:06:19,050 –> 00:06:25,350
kingship because just because you’re
bigger doesn’t make you the ruler.

86
00:06:25,890 –> 00:06:33,930
And I, I really feel that, that
sense of the word, we, we as

87
00:06:33,930 –> 00:06:41,010
men have been pushed in several
directions in the last few years.

88
00:06:41,220 –> 00:06:45,615
However, we got a bad name
because of that rulership,

89
00:06:45,675 –> 00:06:51,015
that kingship, you know, I’m, I’m the
boss, that’s it, that’s the way it is.

90
00:06:52,185 –> 00:06:59,265
And I look back in these traditional
roles that you speak about and I see,

91
00:07:01,065 –> 00:07:06,675
I’m sure you’ll recognize some of the
old television shows, where you find

92
00:07:06,705 –> 00:07:14,910
the mother, father both doing the dishes
together and they’re discussing life as

93
00:07:14,910 –> 00:07:17,190
they are doing those chores together.

94
00:07:18,000 –> 00:07:19,920
We’ve gotten away from that.

95
00:07:20,190 –> 00:07:27,090
And I, myself, have been bringing
that back into my relationship and I

96
00:07:27,300 –> 00:07:35,335
understand when we eat together, we
should clean up together and we shouldn’t

97
00:07:35,335 –> 00:07:38,725
assume that’s your job, that’s my job.

98
00:07:38,965 –> 00:07:41,065
No, no, that’s not how it works.

99
00:07:41,065 –> 00:07:46,705
I, I really think that we need to
get back into that traditional role

100
00:07:46,885 –> 00:07:53,965
where we are a family and the family
should be helping each other grow.

101
00:07:54,565 –> 00:07:56,335
What’s your thought on that, Bob?

102
00:07:57,715 –> 00:07:58,585
Yeah, absolutely.

103
00:07:59,575 –> 00:08:02,875
My wife, my wife and I, we, we discuss
what we’re, what we’re gonna do.

104
00:08:02,875 –> 00:08:07,495
It’s not, you use the word assume and
that’s, that’s where it gets, gets, you

105
00:08:07,495 –> 00:08:11,575
know, off track is, you know, the, if the
husband assumes that the wife’s always

106
00:08:11,575 –> 00:08:15,385
gonna do the dishes and then he, he stews
around because, you know, days and days

107
00:08:15,385 –> 00:08:17,215
go by with the, the sink filling up.

108
00:08:17,580 –> 00:08:18,540
You know, there’s resentment.

109
00:08:18,570 –> 00:08:22,140
Um, a, a lot of times in my, I I,
I have been divorced, you know,

110
00:08:22,140 –> 00:08:25,050
obviously divorced the first time,
a lot, there was a lot of score

111
00:08:25,050 –> 00:08:28,800
keeping in my first marriage, you
know, uh, you did this, I did that.

112
00:08:28,830 –> 00:08:33,900
Um, we, we have to keep things equal and
that’s not really a, a solution either.

113
00:08:34,560 –> 00:08:37,200
Um, the way I look at my,
I’m, I’m married again now,

114
00:08:37,200 –> 00:08:41,310
my wife now has absolutely made it, we
discuss, you know, are there certain

115
00:08:41,310 –> 00:08:42,540
things that I don’t like to do?

116
00:08:42,540 –> 00:08:46,155
There’s certain things she doesn’t like to
do, we’ve, we’ve discussed those things.

117
00:08:46,155 –> 00:08:50,085
So we have that, that agreement
and we know that, okay, I’m gonna

118
00:08:50,085 –> 00:08:52,375
take care of these things, you’re
gonna take care of these things.

119
00:08:52,605 –> 00:08:55,455
And it, it makes it a lot more harmonious.

120
00:08:55,455 –> 00:08:59,415
That when, when things aren’t getting
done, it’s like, you know, I, we,

121
00:08:59,415 –> 00:09:00,585
we have a discussion about it.

122
00:09:00,585 –> 00:09:04,035
It’s not, you know, I, I’m expecting
that you’re gonna do this and that

123
00:09:04,064 –> 00:09:07,455
I’m gonna sit here and resent you and
stew over it for, for weeks at a time.

124
00:09:08,400 –> 00:09:08,880
Yeah.

125
00:09:08,940 –> 00:09:14,370
Conflict always will arise out of
bad communication skills, that’s

126
00:09:14,370 –> 00:09:15,930
what I’ve learned over the years.

127
00:09:16,350 –> 00:09:24,300
Uh, myself, I am on my fortieth year,
almost got it nailed for being married.

128
00:09:24,825 –> 00:09:28,875
We’ve been together forty-two,
almost forty-three years,

129
00:09:29,595 –> 00:09:32,145
and it’s been very hard.

130
00:09:32,205 –> 00:09:38,085
But yes, it is awesome because
we figured out how to get through

131
00:09:38,085 –> 00:09:41,085
that communication disharmony.

132
00:09:41,505 –> 00:09:48,090
And I, I found that it was my own
fears keeping me from communicating

133
00:09:48,420 –> 00:09:50,540
effectively with my wife.

134
00:09:51,920 –> 00:09:54,060
If I say something, she’ll leave me.

135
00:09:54,330 –> 00:09:57,540
If I say something, she might not like me.

136
00:09:58,080 –> 00:09:59,940
I, is that how you felt?

137
00:10:00,810 –> 00:10:01,440
Absolutely.

138
00:10:01,530 –> 00:10:02,580
Yeah, for sure.

139
00:10:02,580 –> 00:10:06,720
I, I spent almost twenty years with
my first marriage trying, trying

140
00:10:06,720 –> 00:10:12,300
to make my wife happy or help her
be happy and learned very much the

141
00:10:12,300 –> 00:10:14,819
hard way that it was not possible.

142
00:10:15,329 –> 00:10:19,079
And I, and I fought it for years
and years and years before I finally

143
00:10:19,079 –> 00:10:21,000
decided I had to throw in the towel.

144
00:10:21,780 –> 00:10:23,280
I couldn’t, couldn’t do it anymore.

145
00:10:23,369 –> 00:10:28,469
And it is, it’s, happiness
is an internal job.

146
00:10:28,564 –> 00:10:31,079
I, I obviously wasn’t happy myself.

147
00:10:31,290 –> 00:10:32,219
She wasn’t happy.

148
00:10:32,219 –> 00:10:36,030
So how is an unhappy person gonna
make someone who’s unhappy, happy?

149
00:10:36,329 –> 00:10:39,869
That’s like, so I had to
make myself happy first.

150
00:10:40,215 –> 00:10:43,065
And, you know, obviously she’s
probably off doing her own thing,

151
00:10:43,155 –> 00:10:44,355
hopefully she’s happy now.

152
00:10:44,355 –> 00:10:46,035
I haven’t talked to her
in probably ten years.

153
00:10:46,275 –> 00:10:51,975
But, um, you know, I, I know my wife now
is happy ’cause, because she does what

154
00:10:51,975 –> 00:10:54,345
she needs to do to make herself be happy.

155
00:10:54,585 –> 00:10:59,485
And then we bring our, both of our
happiness, our healthy relationships

156
00:10:59,505 –> 00:11:04,814
together, and communication, and other
things, and it’s very harmonious.

157
00:11:04,814 –> 00:11:07,155
We, we very, we fight,
we fight very little.

158
00:11:07,155 –> 00:11:12,795
We, we’ll, we’ll get into it sometimes,
but again, that usually, it just, it

159
00:11:12,795 –> 00:11:15,525
dissipates very quickly because we
both realize, and we even had this

160
00:11:15,525 –> 00:11:19,645
discussion yesterday about, um, things
that we, we say to each other that, you

161
00:11:20,255 –> 00:11:24,734
know, were coming from a good place,
we just, some of our old wounding

162
00:11:24,734 –> 00:11:26,594
from our, ’cause she’s divorced too,

163
00:11:26,594 –> 00:11:30,944
she had a, a, a difficult first marriage,
I had a difficult first marriage so a lot

164
00:11:30,944 –> 00:11:37,425
of our tendencies are to react in a way
that was from a, a past, past situation.

165
00:11:37,454 –> 00:11:39,285
And then we have to stop and
realize, Well, wait a minute,

166
00:11:40,305 –> 00:11:41,594
this is, this is a new thing.

167
00:11:41,594 –> 00:11:44,834
We have, you know, we’ve agreed on these
things, we’re not gonna, you know, do

168
00:11:44,834 –> 00:11:48,525
this and, and it dissipates it very
quickly and we get back on the same page.

169
00:11:48,525 –> 00:11:51,795
And, you know, usually five or ten
minutes later we’re cracking jokes and

170
00:11:51,795 –> 00:11:53,145
laughing again and having a good time.

171
00:11:53,175 –> 00:11:53,535
So.

172
00:11:54,870 –> 00:11:57,960
Well, well that’s a sign
of a healthy relationship.

173
00:11:58,080 –> 00:12:04,110
We’re always going to have conflict
and, and you really have to be aware

174
00:12:04,140 –> 00:12:08,910
that you have to take ownership of
that emotional intelligence factor.

175
00:12:09,480 –> 00:12:17,775
And it took me years, I was fifty-five
plus before I really got that.

176
00:12:18,234 –> 00:12:23,364
You know, and then, then it started
sinking in and now I’m about

177
00:12:23,364 –> 00:12:26,245
sixty and I’m saying, This works.

178
00:12:27,204 –> 00:12:31,344
And that’s why I’m here
doing what I’m doing.

179
00:12:31,405 –> 00:12:36,535
And I, I take that’s the same
value that you’re finding with

180
00:12:36,535 –> 00:12:39,025
your journey on podcasting?

181
00:12:40,224 –> 00:12:40,944
Oh, absolutely.

182
00:12:41,064 –> 00:12:41,635
Absolutely.

183
00:12:41,635 –> 00:12:45,385
Try and just, just taking that
wisdom, like you said, and trying to

184
00:12:45,385 –> 00:12:50,400
help the younger generations to, I,
I, one of my biggest things is I, I

185
00:12:50,400 –> 00:12:53,729
wanna help men to not struggle with
the things that I struggled with.

186
00:12:53,729 –> 00:12:57,390
Because there was some, I had
some very dark days during my, my

187
00:12:57,390 –> 00:12:59,280
late thirties and early forties.

188
00:12:59,670 –> 00:13:05,310
Um, that, yeah, I, and I didn’t, I
really didn’t wake up until my mid

189
00:13:05,310 –> 00:13:09,060
forties when, when I had gone through
the divorce and I was like, Wait

190
00:13:09,060 –> 00:13:12,120
a minute, uh, here I am by myself.

191
00:13:12,390 –> 00:13:16,290
I, and my kids, my kids were, had
pretty much either were, were close

192
00:13:16,290 –> 00:13:17,850
to or had graduated from high school.

193
00:13:17,850 –> 00:13:20,520
They were moving on to college,
doing their thing, you know,

194
00:13:20,580 –> 00:13:22,320
no, no wife to worry about.

195
00:13:22,710 –> 00:13:25,080
I was like, Wait a minute,
what, what’s next for me?

196
00:13:25,080 –> 00:13:26,700
What am I gonna do with my life?

197
00:13:27,150 –> 00:13:32,070
And I started thinking about, you
know, all the things that I was good

198
00:13:32,070 –> 00:13:35,850
at and all the things that, and, and
it just, it, it came very easily to

199
00:13:35,850 –> 00:13:38,400
me to, to, to jump into coaching.

200
00:13:39,089 –> 00:13:46,140
And find that as a, as a means to go
back and give back to, to help guys

201
00:13:46,140 –> 00:13:50,459
that are, you know, you know, getting
married as, in their mid twenties,

202
00:13:51,000 –> 00:13:54,990
not knowing what’s going on, you know,
raising kids, not knowing how to do that.

203
00:13:54,990 –> 00:13:58,800
And all that, all those things that
I learned the hard way back, ’cause,

204
00:13:59,160 –> 00:14:03,540
um, you know, it’s not like I was
talking to my dad a lot about, Hey,

205
00:14:03,540 –> 00:14:06,599
how, how do you, how do you raise a
son and how do you raise a daughter?

206
00:14:06,930 –> 00:14:09,000
Um, so, so yeah.

207
00:14:09,000 –> 00:14:14,670
It’s, it’s a, it’s a resource that, uh,
is, is very available ’cause there’s,

208
00:14:14,670 –> 00:14:17,580
there’s lots and lots of coaches out
there, we all do different things.

209
00:14:17,580 –> 00:14:19,740
You know, we, we work with
different people on different stuff.

210
00:14:20,340 –> 00:14:25,620
And, and to have someone in your corner
that’s, uh, super valuable to, with

211
00:14:25,620 –> 00:14:28,320
their, with their experience so you
don’t have to make the same mistakes.

212
00:14:28,560 –> 00:14:32,655
I’m sure you’ll find some, some more
to make, but, but being able to, to

213
00:14:32,655 –> 00:14:36,825
avoid some of those, those, those
ones that, and, and, and I, the, the

214
00:14:36,825 –> 00:14:42,405
one that I think is probably the most
important is, is, is raising kids.

215
00:14:42,465 –> 00:14:44,265
I mean, I think I got really lucky.

216
00:14:44,715 –> 00:14:49,095
Um, that was one area where my
ex-wife and I really did excel

217
00:14:49,095 –> 00:14:50,565
was, was raising our kids.

218
00:14:50,595 –> 00:14:54,285
They’re both, um, right now
pursuing medical degrees and

219
00:14:54,855 –> 00:14:58,905
I, I look to be, they’re gonna
be very successful, um, adults.

220
00:14:58,905 –> 00:15:04,365
But, you know, a lot, a lot of people
put wounds and, on their kids from

221
00:15:04,365 –> 00:15:08,025
growing up on, on how they’re being,
and how they’re acting, and how they’re,

222
00:15:08,085 –> 00:15:09,495
how they’re relating, and all that.

223
00:15:09,885 –> 00:15:13,905
That, that really could be avoided,
um, if we had, had a little more

224
00:15:13,905 –> 00:15:15,615
education in, in that perspective.

225
00:15:15,615 –> 00:15:19,005
So that’s one of the real, the real
key things that I like to look at.

226
00:15:19,005 –> 00:15:23,595
And, and, and then even in, in older
guys like us, being able to go back and

227
00:15:23,595 –> 00:15:29,960
figure out maybe where those, those wounds
happened in your life so that we can kind

228
00:15:29,960 –> 00:15:35,160
of reframe those and, and reprogram those
a little bit to where it’s not dragging

229
00:15:35,160 –> 00:15:39,300
you back into, you know, that, that
hurt people, hurt people, kind of thing.

230
00:15:39,300 –> 00:15:43,079
Just get rid of some of that old hurt
and be able to move forward and have,

231
00:15:43,079 –> 00:15:44,850
have more harmonious relationships.

232
00:15:46,290 –> 00:15:46,500
Yeah.

233
00:15:46,650 –> 00:15:52,650
So, Bob, do you speak to your
children about this and ask them

234
00:15:52,709 –> 00:15:56,760
how they feel about the situation
you went through together?

235
00:15:57,959 –> 00:15:59,310
We’ve talked about it some.

236
00:15:59,969 –> 00:16:03,569
Uh, they’ve been, they’ve been kind
of out on their own for, for the,

237
00:16:03,959 –> 00:16:05,489
uh, the past several years now.

238
00:16:05,489 –> 00:16:08,729
So they’re, they’re kind of, I’m,
I’m kind of just giving ’em some

239
00:16:08,729 –> 00:16:10,410
space to learn and live their lives.

240
00:16:10,709 –> 00:16:15,540
My, my, my youngest is already married,
so he’s, he’s, uh, wading through that

241
00:16:15,660 –> 00:16:20,670
and, and feeling that out, and in the
middle of, uh, still actually in his, in

242
00:16:20,670 –> 00:16:23,099
his, his degree, taking his degree work.

243
00:16:23,099 –> 00:16:25,064
So, um, yeah.

244
00:16:25,094 –> 00:16:29,415
It’s, I, I think it’s probably gonna come
around a little more as after they get

245
00:16:29,415 –> 00:16:33,135
through this, this, this decade of their
twenties where they’re still kind of in

246
00:16:33,135 –> 00:16:35,145
school learning and, and doing the things.

247
00:16:35,145 –> 00:16:38,505
And once they, they get into, start
having kids and things like that,

248
00:16:38,505 –> 00:16:40,795
I think we’re probably gonna have
some more of those discussions.

249
00:16:41,875 –> 00:16:47,520
Yeah, I think it’s a good idea to keep
the door open for that to, so they

250
00:16:47,520 –> 00:16:54,930
can retain that healthy relationship
and learn from having that door open.

251
00:16:54,990 –> 00:16:56,520
Hey, what was this?

252
00:16:56,520 –> 00:16:57,720
Why did I go through it?

253
00:16:58,080 –> 00:17:00,840
Uh, a lot of us get lost and confused.

254
00:17:01,260 –> 00:17:08,490
You, you talk about, uh, past trauma, even
pre-birth trauma, and that is extremely

255
00:17:08,490 –> 00:17:16,020
important for people to realize that, in
that womb, you’re developing, but you can

256
00:17:16,020 –> 00:17:23,849
still sense emotion and sound and what’s
going on in the atmosphere around you.

257
00:17:24,270 –> 00:17:25,439
And you’re born into that.

258
00:17:26,970 –> 00:17:27,209
Yeah.

259
00:17:27,214 –> 00:17:30,449
You have, you have cognition, at,
pre-birth, you have cognition.

260
00:17:30,449 –> 00:17:32,639
You, you can feel things
and understand things.

261
00:17:32,850 –> 00:17:35,310
You can’t verbalize ’em,
obviously, but you can feel ’em.

262
00:17:35,520 –> 00:17:39,570
And that’s, that’s actually one of my
traumas is, um, my parent, I, I was

263
00:17:39,570 –> 00:17:41,100
conceived before my parents were married.

264
00:17:41,969 –> 00:17:48,750
And I, I have a sense that there was
a lot of, a lot of, I don’t know if

265
00:17:48,750 –> 00:17:50,399
anger is the right word, but animosity.

266
00:17:50,399 –> 00:17:54,300
Some, you know, stress, uh, you know, all
the things that would go with, oh my God,

267
00:17:54,300 –> 00:17:57,270
we’re, we’re having a baby and we’re, you
know, we weren’t planning to get married.

268
00:17:57,419 –> 00:18:00,504
Now we need to get married and, you
know, we live in this small community,

269
00:18:00,544 –> 00:18:02,580
whether it be judgment, all that stuff.

270
00:18:02,820 –> 00:18:07,995
So I think I, I did absorb a lot of
that and I made, made meanings of that

271
00:18:07,995 –> 00:18:12,254
internally in myself and have beliefs
and identity wrapped around it that,

272
00:18:12,375 –> 00:18:19,335
that really did mess me up a lot in, in
my, my teenage years, my college years,

273
00:18:19,335 –> 00:18:22,035
and a, a lot into my first marriage.

274
00:18:23,415 –> 00:18:25,514
Yeah, I think that’s good to recognize.

275
00:18:25,629 –> 00:18:26,850
And actually,

276
00:18:28,905 –> 00:18:35,655
people don’t dive deep enough into their
past traumas, and they don’t associate

277
00:18:35,655 –> 00:18:38,415
that with trauma a lot of the times.

278
00:18:38,685 –> 00:18:42,085
So recognizing that is huge.

279
00:18:42,085 –> 00:18:47,915
I, it took me quite a while to
figure that out, but it is very,

280
00:18:48,285 –> 00:18:50,925
very true that we feel these things.

281
00:18:50,925 –> 00:18:54,975
Even still today, when you walk
into a room, you can feel the

282
00:18:54,975 –> 00:18:59,070
atmosphere and it’s the same sense.

283
00:18:59,370 –> 00:18:59,970
So

284
00:19:02,370 –> 00:19:10,680
how do we navigate conflict so
we don’t blow up during conflict?

285
00:19:11,760 –> 00:19:16,380
I’m sure you’ve been through many
conflicts that blew out of proportion,

286
00:19:16,380 –> 00:19:26,189
as I have, and I’ve found there’s ways
to calm the storm before it blows over.

287
00:19:27,629 –> 00:19:29,189
What’s your thought on that?

288
00:19:30,149 –> 00:19:31,169
Yeah, absolutely.

289
00:19:31,169 –> 00:19:34,530
Actually, uh, it’s, it’s something
I’ve been working on the last, last,

290
00:19:35,180 –> 00:19:36,899
um, probably ten, ten or so years.

291
00:19:37,260 –> 00:19:44,489
Cause I, I, I would get pretty angry with
my ex-wife, uh, quite often and never,

292
00:19:44,639 –> 00:19:45,989
never really understood what triggered it.

293
00:19:45,989 –> 00:19:50,820
And like I said, until I understood,
uh, some of my past traumas, some of

294
00:19:50,820 –> 00:19:56,295
the things that had happened to me
in the past and understood that those

295
00:19:56,295 –> 00:20:01,725
were probably what’s driving, um, you
know, whether it was anger, or shame,

296
00:20:01,725 –> 00:20:08,295
or something along those lines that
was, that was making me react to things

297
00:20:08,295 –> 00:20:14,025
that my, that not even my ex-wife, just
anybody would say around me that would

298
00:20:14,025 –> 00:20:16,395
trigger some of those, those feelings.

299
00:20:16,845 –> 00:20:22,005
Um, it’s really, really been a, a, a
challenge to, to, A, first learn about ’em

300
00:20:22,005 –> 00:20:23,805
and then figure out what to do with ’em.

301
00:20:23,805 –> 00:20:28,635
And a lot of that, for me, has been
through meditation, um, breath work, which

302
00:20:28,635 –> 00:20:30,465
I, I’ve been doing now for a little bit.

303
00:20:30,525 –> 00:20:37,905
Um, really just finding that inner
peace with myself and understanding

304
00:20:37,905 –> 00:20:41,145
that, you know, those, all those
things that happened to me in

305
00:20:41,145 –> 00:20:43,155
past, in the past don’t define me.

306
00:20:43,635 –> 00:20:47,385
And, you know, where, where it’s,
where the most important part is

307
00:20:47,385 –> 00:20:50,294
for me to be present every, every
single moment of every single day.

308
00:20:50,294 –> 00:20:54,350
And, and just read what’s, read
the room, kind, kind of to, to,

309
00:20:54,405 –> 00:20:56,655
to, to be a little cliche about it.

310
00:20:57,105 –> 00:21:01,185
Um, just to understand that, you
know, nobody, my, even if my wife

311
00:21:01,185 –> 00:21:06,525
now is, even if she says something
critical of me or something I said, or

312
00:21:06,525 –> 00:21:08,835
something I did, it’s not out of spite.

313
00:21:09,015 –> 00:21:12,375
It’s out of either curiosity,
or love, or something else.

314
00:21:12,435 –> 00:21:18,495
So I’m, I’ve gotten a lot better at
waiting to be, remembering that fact

315
00:21:18,495 –> 00:21:21,345
before I just, you know, knee jerk react.

316
00:21:22,425 –> 00:21:23,145
Pause.

317
00:21:23,475 –> 00:21:25,185
Yeah, that, that’s a good thing.

318
00:21:25,635 –> 00:21:31,530
You know, it, it is one of those difficult
things that, especially men, deal with

319
00:21:31,530 –> 00:21:39,180
is the shame and guilt associated with
how they reacted to so many situations in

320
00:21:39,180 –> 00:21:42,660
the past, I, I still deal with it today.

321
00:21:42,660 –> 00:21:49,470
With, you know, there was times when
that anger was so bad that I would be

322
00:21:49,650 –> 00:21:58,149
walking in front of my wife just totally
ticked off and she’s like, Hey, hey, hey.

323
00:21:58,389 –> 00:22:02,409
But here I am in the middle
of a store, you know, storming

324
00:22:02,409 –> 00:22:05,350
about and kind of blowing up.

325
00:22:06,610 –> 00:22:17,115
And I reflect on that a lot because how
we react to emotions is very important.

326
00:22:17,805 –> 00:22:23,685
And young men, especially, need to know,
you’re going to feel those hostilities,

327
00:22:23,685 –> 00:22:30,465
you’re gonna feel the pain and the hate
of not knowing and understanding what

328
00:22:30,465 –> 00:22:33,115
you’re going through at that present time.

329
00:22:34,095 –> 00:22:36,629
And it’s definitely not your partner.

330
00:22:37,500 –> 00:22:45,780
And I think if we learn earlier
on to lean in and adjust with

331
00:22:45,840 –> 00:22:52,920
the partner to those situations,
that’s when we can actually excel.

332
00:22:53,100 –> 00:22:58,230
The quicker we own up to our own
mistakes and say, Okay, I made a

333
00:22:58,230 –> 00:23:03,645
mistake, the better and quicker we
can move on with a better life for

334
00:23:03,735 –> 00:23:06,705
both involved in that relationship.

335
00:23:08,025 –> 00:23:08,415
Yeah.

336
00:23:08,415 –> 00:23:11,055
And then learning, learning
from those instances too.

337
00:23:12,135 –> 00:23:12,705
Yes.

338
00:23:12,735 –> 00:23:13,665
Big, big.

339
00:23:14,534 –> 00:23:21,885
So a lot of that comes with communication
skills and how to talk to one another.

340
00:23:22,034 –> 00:23:26,415
Not only to your wife, but
to individuals out there.

341
00:23:26,419 –> 00:23:33,254
A, a lot of the times it’s hard to
express what you’re truly feeling because

342
00:23:35,265 –> 00:23:39,675
we don’t wanna offend people
and we don’t wanna be offended.

343
00:23:40,275 –> 00:23:44,775
So understanding how to
communicate is vital.

344
00:23:46,065 –> 00:23:47,925
How do we communicate better?

345
00:23:51,015 –> 00:23:56,415
Oh, uh, listen, that’s the, that’s
the biggest thing, listening.

346
00:23:56,565 –> 00:24:00,495
It, it’s, my wife and I were
talking about it this morning.

347
00:24:00,555 –> 00:24:04,365
It was an out, it was an out outdoor
event and we’re here in Michigan.

348
00:24:04,365 –> 00:24:08,085
And, and in, in April and May, the
weather can be a little sketch, right?

349
00:24:08,085 –> 00:24:11,375
It could, it could either be a
beautiful and sunny five and, sunny

350
00:24:11,375 –> 00:24:15,115
and seventy-five, or it can be
like it is today, rainy and fifty.

351
00:24:15,555 –> 00:24:19,365
Um, and yesterday we had, we had
scheduled this outdoor event,

352
00:24:19,365 –> 00:24:20,685
we had planned it for months.

353
00:24:21,135 –> 00:24:25,755
And there was, there were men showing
up in shorts, there was a, um, a man

354
00:24:25,755 –> 00:24:30,524
showed up in, in like a button down shirt
and jeans and he was, he was the one

355
00:24:30,524 –> 00:24:33,254
that was winding up being the coldest.

356
00:24:33,554 –> 00:24:37,004
And I, I was like, Okay, guys,
you know, communication, right?

357
00:24:37,455 –> 00:24:39,044
It’s an outdoor event.

358
00:24:39,105 –> 00:24:41,925
Did you not read the, you know, the thing?

359
00:24:41,929 –> 00:24:45,135
It’s, it’s an outdoor event, you
might wanna check the weather

360
00:24:45,135 –> 00:24:46,784
forecast before you come on out.

361
00:24:48,705 –> 00:24:51,735
So that’s, that’s, that’s part of,
you know, communicate, listening.

362
00:24:51,915 –> 00:24:56,294
It’s, it’s not listening, but it’s, it’s
reading and being thorough in taking,

363
00:24:56,475 –> 00:24:59,235
when you’re taking in information,
whether it’s verbal or written.

364
00:25:00,090 –> 00:25:06,600
Slow down, listen to the words, or
hear the words, or read the words,

365
00:25:06,990 –> 00:25:11,010
and, and listen for understanding
of, of what the person’s saying or

366
00:25:11,010 –> 00:25:15,480
what the text is saying, and then,
you know, take action from there.

367
00:25:15,480 –> 00:25:18,209
But a lot of, a lot of people
don’t do that, they just, they’re,

368
00:25:18,209 –> 00:25:21,480
they’re, everybody’s in such a
hurry all the time moving so fast.

369
00:25:21,750 –> 00:25:22,320
Oh yeah.

370
00:25:22,350 –> 00:25:24,199
It’s at, it’s at eight o’clock, okay.

371
00:25:24,199 –> 00:25:26,370
I’ll be, uh, it’s eight o’clock
at this place, I’ll be there.

372
00:25:26,520 –> 00:25:30,450
You know, not, not thinking, oh, it’s
an outside event, oh, it’s fifty degrees

373
00:25:30,450 –> 00:25:32,250
outside, I might wanna be prepared.

374
00:25:33,389 –> 00:25:36,990
That, that is so huge in
everybody’s life, Bob.

375
00:25:37,020 –> 00:25:42,870
And it’s, it’s remarkable, we
tend to use that as an excuse.

376
00:25:43,530 –> 00:25:47,129
And I, I, I’ve used it.

377
00:25:47,370 –> 00:25:48,659
Yes, I’m so busy.

378
00:25:48,870 –> 00:25:56,280
And yes, but it’s really how we intake
that information and prioritize it.

379
00:25:56,760 –> 00:26:01,830
So it’s really part of good
communication, if you’re not clear,

380
00:26:02,040 –> 00:26:09,060
to follow up and really make sure that
you’ve got the information proper.

381
00:26:09,630 –> 00:26:14,520
And, and that, that shows that you
care about that relationship, correct?

382
00:26:15,180 –> 00:26:16,080
Yeah, absolutely.

383
00:26:16,320 –> 00:26:20,790
And it also helps too, uh, uh, on my
part, my ownership part of it, is to be

384
00:26:20,790 –> 00:26:22,800
thorough when I’m, when I’m communicating.

385
00:26:22,800 –> 00:26:26,310
Whether it’s verbally or
in writing, to be thorough.

386
00:26:26,490 –> 00:26:31,880
And, and I may, I may not have been clear
enough yesterday that, you know, I could

387
00:26:31,880 –> 00:26:37,980
have put outdoor event, um, instead of
just, you know, the location, the way I

388
00:26:37,980 –> 00:26:42,540
described the location, it was an outdoor
pavilion so it was, or a pavilion so it

389
00:26:42,540 –> 00:26:44,070
was kind of assumed that it was outdoor.

390
00:26:44,070 –> 00:26:46,980
But if I had of put outdoor
pavilion, maybe people

391
00:26:46,980 –> 00:26:48,090
would’ve clicked a little bit.

392
00:26:48,720 –> 00:26:53,625
So I have responsibility in that as well
to make sure I’m communicating clearly

393
00:26:53,625 –> 00:26:58,875
and effectively so, so, makes it easier
for people who are busy and what, and

394
00:26:58,965 –> 00:27:03,675
preoccupied like we all are now, um, to,
to get all the information they need.

395
00:27:04,605 –> 00:27:07,545
And that magic word
popped up again, assume.

396
00:27:07,995 –> 00:27:12,075
You know, if we capture that
we can actually get clarity.

397
00:27:12,285 –> 00:27:20,025
So we, we really have to be careful
of what we’re doing on both ends

398
00:27:20,025 –> 00:27:22,065
of communication, that’s for sure.

399
00:27:22,815 –> 00:27:30,945
Uh, you talk about common
interest with your partner, I

400
00:27:30,945 –> 00:27:34,695
find this to be very important.

401
00:27:35,415 –> 00:27:41,415
Uh, and sometimes we find
later on in life, Hey, we

402
00:27:41,415 –> 00:27:43,155
don’t have anything in common.

403
00:27:43,875 –> 00:27:49,680
And if, if we can get that
through to the younger generation,

404
00:27:51,060 –> 00:27:53,129
I, I find it very vital.

405
00:27:53,129 –> 00:27:56,070
Don’t just fall for the
first one that loves you.

406
00:27:56,160 –> 00:28:02,400
Make sure that you have those
interests and you, you’re compatible.

407
00:28:03,840 –> 00:28:04,950
Yeah, yeah.

408
00:28:04,950 –> 00:28:05,735
Oh absolutely, Ed.

409
00:28:06,030 –> 00:28:08,580
Um, that was my mistake on, on round one.

410
00:28:08,910 –> 00:28:11,100
I mean, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

411
00:28:11,100 –> 00:28:14,429
My kids are amazing, they’re,
they, they’re gonna do

412
00:28:14,429 –> 00:28:15,600
amazing things in their lives.

413
00:28:15,600 –> 00:28:18,239
So it was all meant to be
and it was all worthwhile.

414
00:28:18,239 –> 00:28:24,000
But yeah, the, the, there were so
many red flags, um, at, before my

415
00:28:24,000 –> 00:28:28,570
first, before my first marriage that,
that I didn’t see, because again, I

416
00:28:28,570 –> 00:28:30,300
was exactly what you just described.

417
00:28:30,610 –> 00:28:34,979
First person that paid any, any
attention to me or, or felt like

418
00:28:34,979 –> 00:28:38,820
they liked to be around me, or, um,
were interested in me in, in any way.

419
00:28:38,820 –> 00:28:43,350
And, and as the years went by,
we had less and less in common.

420
00:28:43,800 –> 00:28:48,810
Um, aside, aside from our kids, we
really didn’t have much in common.

421
00:28:49,230 –> 00:28:54,270
The things I wanted to do, um, I, I
would, I would, I always loved playing,

422
00:28:54,389 –> 00:28:58,200
you know, the beer league softball,
beer league hockey, and she would always

423
00:28:58,230 –> 00:28:59,940
question, Why are you going to do that?

424
00:28:59,940 –> 00:29:00,780
I don’t understand.

425
00:29:00,780 –> 00:29:02,820
Why do you, and then why do
you have to go to the bar after

426
00:29:02,820 –> 00:29:04,320
and have a beer with the guys?

427
00:29:05,040 –> 00:29:08,909
Well, ’cause I need men in my, you
know, I, I needed men in my life that

428
00:29:08,909 –> 00:29:13,919
needed that, that fellowship and that
companionship of, of masculinity.

429
00:29:14,520 –> 00:29:19,139
Because all I was getting was, was the
femininity at home and the, and the,

430
00:29:19,919 –> 00:29:23,879
so that was a huge piece of my life.

431
00:29:23,879 –> 00:29:29,460
And actually once I finally,
unfortunately, that made the

432
00:29:29,460 –> 00:29:30,870
decision to give that up.

433
00:29:30,870 –> 00:29:33,659
That’s when the marriage, you
know, it was, it was going along

434
00:29:33,659 –> 00:29:37,875
probably like this and then it
just, right, right down the drain.

435
00:29:37,875 –> 00:29:41,685
Because I gave those things up and I was
missing that, that piece, and I couldn’t,

436
00:29:41,835 –> 00:29:43,425
it was too hard to cope at that point.

437
00:29:45,495 –> 00:29:50,535
So what was that moment that it
went rock bottom for you, Bob?

438
00:29:51,855 –> 00:29:55,515
When I, when I, when I decided
to make her happy and give up the

439
00:29:55,545 –> 00:29:58,275
things that I loved doing, which
were playing softball and hockey.

440
00:29:58,875 –> 00:29:59,745
Interesting.

441
00:30:00,195 –> 00:30:07,950
So we, we have to make sure to
love ourself, and that means to

442
00:30:07,980 –> 00:30:14,580
be able to do those experiences
that we want to experience.

443
00:30:14,910 –> 00:30:20,850
And, you know, I often say, Hey, would
you like to experience this with me?

444
00:30:21,120 –> 00:30:23,880
You know, sharing experiences.

445
00:30:23,880 –> 00:30:29,760
If, if you can’t share experience,
it’s really not worth the time, is it?

446
00:30:31,060 –> 00:30:33,149
Oh absolutely, that’s
what my wife and I do now.

447
00:30:33,149 –> 00:30:35,879
We just, we just got back
from an experience last week.

448
00:30:35,879 –> 00:30:41,129
We, we, we rented an RV for the
first time, drove it thirteen and a

449
00:30:41,129 –> 00:30:46,120
half hours from, from Michigan down
to Arkansas and, and went glamping.

450
00:30:46,720 –> 00:30:51,449
So, and it was an, every, every
moment of the whole trip was

451
00:30:51,449 –> 00:30:52,679
an experience to remember.

452
00:30:52,679 –> 00:30:58,070
It was, it was, start from, you know,
being on the road and, and, uh, you know,

453
00:30:58,185 –> 00:31:01,635
learning that you can actually park an RV
overnight in a Cracker Barrel parking lot,

454
00:31:01,635 –> 00:31:05,055
which we didn’t know until we actually
got on the road, which was awesome.

455
00:31:05,415 –> 00:31:09,375
Um, now just all kinds of things
that we, we learned along the way.

456
00:31:09,435 –> 00:31:12,675
Um, and we have, we have a
great time together when we,

457
00:31:12,675 –> 00:31:13,635
when we do stuff like that.

458
00:31:13,635 –> 00:31:15,899
And it’s just, every
moment is an adventure.

459
00:31:15,899 –> 00:31:20,264
And if you’re, if you’re able to
find someone and be with someone

460
00:31:20,264 –> 00:31:25,155
who is, is as open to that type of
adventure as you are, that’s, that’s

461
00:31:25,155 –> 00:31:26,295
the golden ticket right there.

462
00:31:27,375 –> 00:31:33,615
There’s a huge difference when you
accepted that you needed to be with

463
00:31:33,615 –> 00:31:37,395
somebody that was in alignment with you.

464
00:31:37,935 –> 00:31:38,805
Yeah, for sure.

465
00:31:39,360 –> 00:31:39,960
Awesome.

466
00:31:40,140 –> 00:31:41,910
Yeah, I, I think that’s big.

467
00:31:42,660 –> 00:31:49,230
So, so we should take time before
we jump in and make sure we qualify.

468
00:31:49,890 –> 00:31:51,120
I like that a lot.

469
00:31:52,290 –> 00:31:52,920
Absolutely.

470
00:31:52,920 –> 00:31:56,880
And I, and I, I had this conversation
with someone, uh, in the last couple

471
00:31:56,880 –> 00:32:01,050
weeks, you know, someone that was in
the, in the dating pool and, and looking

472
00:32:01,050 –> 00:32:06,600
for, and, and I said, you know, it’s,
yeah, it’s hard, dating, uh, is hard.

473
00:32:06,600 –> 00:32:10,770
Um, you know, I’ve, I’ve heard tons
of stories even in the last, you know,

474
00:32:10,919 –> 00:32:14,219
I’ve, I’ve been with my wife now for
ten years, so it’s been a minute.

475
00:32:14,219 –> 00:32:19,169
But even the last five or so years where
I, I just hear guys complaining about

476
00:32:19,169 –> 00:32:24,830
how, how difficult it is, I just, I, my
advice to ’em is just keep, keep going,

477
00:32:24,830 –> 00:32:30,179
kept, if you gotta go on a thousand
dates to find the one, you know, it,

478
00:32:30,179 –> 00:32:34,110
it’s not, you know, you’re not gonna get
lucky the, for the first or second time.

479
00:32:34,110 –> 00:32:39,285
You gotta, you gotta try, you gotta
try people on literally and, and,

480
00:32:39,315 –> 00:32:43,215
um, and, and find the one that,
you know, checks all the boxes.

481
00:32:43,215 –> 00:32:47,910
And, and to settle for something
or someone that doesn’t check all

482
00:32:47,910 –> 00:32:50,940
the boxes is, it’s just gonna come
back to bite you down the road.

483
00:32:50,940 –> 00:32:54,270
And there’s, you know, how, how many
millions of, I don’t, I don’t remember

484
00:32:54,270 –> 00:32:57,120
the numbers off the top of my head,
but how many million people are there,

485
00:32:57,150 –> 00:33:00,060
millions of people that are there in
this country, just in the US alone?

486
00:33:00,600 –> 00:33:02,940
Um, there’s, there’s someone for everyone.

487
00:33:03,250 –> 00:33:08,320
You just gotta find her or him or
whomever it is to, uh, that, that,

488
00:33:08,320 –> 00:33:11,830
that person that, that checks all
the boxes and makes it, you know?

489
00:33:12,610 –> 00:33:16,090
Uh, probably the biggest, the biggest
one for me was someone that is going

490
00:33:16,090 –> 00:33:21,340
to, um, support me and celebrate me
in, in the things that I wanna do.

491
00:33:21,340 –> 00:33:27,280
Unlike my ex who would give me a hard time
if I wanted to, to go play ball or play,

492
00:33:27,370 –> 00:33:32,655
you know, do something, go even, even golf
or whatever, you know, to support that.

493
00:33:33,014 –> 00:33:36,915
Um, my wife now, I, I’ve had the men’s
group now for five years, and every,

494
00:33:36,915 –> 00:33:41,115
every other Saturday morning I was getting
up to go and spend two, three hours

495
00:33:41,115 –> 00:33:42,915
and she supported every minute of it.

496
00:33:42,915 –> 00:33:46,034
Whereas my, my ex-wife, she’d
been, why are you doing this?

497
00:33:46,034 –> 00:33:46,784
I don’t understand.

498
00:33:46,784 –> 00:33:48,615
You should be spending time
with me and the kids, and

499
00:33:48,615 –> 00:33:49,425
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

500
00:33:49,754 –> 00:33:53,534
And it’s just, it’s, that’s finding
that kind of person that, that fits

501
00:33:53,534 –> 00:33:57,375
into what, you know, if that’s, if
that’s your jam, then, then great.

502
00:33:57,375 –> 00:33:58,995
If that’s the kind of woman that you,

503
00:33:59,370 –> 00:34:00,330
you know, you should be with.

504
00:34:00,330 –> 00:34:04,110
But, um, if you, if you need that
freedom and you need that, have that

505
00:34:04,110 –> 00:34:07,230
connection and relationships with other
people, you gotta find that person that,

506
00:34:07,560 –> 00:34:11,790
that jives with that and, and supports
it and, and celebrates it with you.

507
00:34:12,029 –> 00:34:16,469
That, hey, you’ve got a growing men’s
group, or whatever the case may be, to,

508
00:34:16,469 –> 00:34:18,360
to, to keep it, things going and keep it.

509
00:34:18,779 –> 00:34:21,779
So, and, and then you gain a lot of,
you get a lot of respect for that.

510
00:34:21,779 –> 00:34:23,670
I mean, men, that’s one
of our things, right?

511
00:34:23,699 –> 00:34:25,965
Men want respect, Women want love.

512
00:34:25,965 –> 00:34:31,455
So if you’re giving her the, uh, uh,
uh, appropriate amounts of love and,

513
00:34:31,855 –> 00:34:36,045
and, do, letting you, you know, have
those experiences outside of the

514
00:34:36,045 –> 00:34:40,165
relationship, she’s gonna give you that
respect for, for being consistent and

515
00:34:40,185 –> 00:34:41,445
having the boundaries to go and do it.

516
00:34:42,195 –> 00:34:42,554
Yeah.

517
00:34:42,915 –> 00:34:48,405
So I wanna kind of segue into
your coaching and what you offer.

518
00:34:48,945 –> 00:35:00,735
Uh, do you bring ladies into your coaching
and have the guys experience different

519
00:35:01,245 –> 00:35:09,165
frames of mind from, what I mean by that
is, sometimes we look at our wife and

520
00:35:09,165 –> 00:35:12,629
we don’t like to hear what she says.

521
00:35:12,629 –> 00:35:18,180
But sometimes if we hear it
from other women, we might

522
00:35:18,240 –> 00:35:20,009
pay attention a little more.

523
00:35:20,399 –> 00:35:24,689
Is any of that sort of in your coaching?

524
00:35:26,459 –> 00:35:26,819
No.

525
00:35:26,819 –> 00:35:30,390
I, what I tend to do is I take,
take men back to the fundamentals.

526
00:35:30,720 –> 00:35:34,740
Um, I, I, I actually, I,
I use the acronym Empower.

527
00:35:35,040 –> 00:35:41,760
It’s environment, mindset, purpose,
opportunities, wellbeing and resources.

528
00:35:42,120 –> 00:35:48,030
So having the right environment, having
things set up for, for you to, to thrive

529
00:35:48,030 –> 00:35:50,010
and, and enjoy life, whatever that may be.

530
00:35:50,880 –> 00:35:52,920
Um, mindset goes without saying.

531
00:35:52,920 –> 00:35:55,620
You’ve got, you’ve gotta have
a positive growth mindset.

532
00:35:55,650 –> 00:35:59,390
You can’t, if you have a fixed mindset,
you, uh, that, that’s my old life.

533
00:35:59,450 –> 00:36:02,609
I, I got a, when I graduated from
college, I thought I knew everything.

534
00:36:02,879 –> 00:36:03,750
I stopped learning.

535
00:36:04,259 –> 00:36:07,420
I didn’t pick up a, uh, uh, an
educational book for about twenty

536
00:36:07,440 –> 00:36:08,940
years after I graduated from college.

537
00:36:09,299 –> 00:36:11,339
And I missed out, I missed out.

538
00:36:11,339 –> 00:36:14,910
All the, all the books I’ve read in
the last ten or fifteen years, I’m

539
00:36:14,910 –> 00:36:18,690
like, if I’d have known this when I
was in my thirties, I, you know, I

540
00:36:18,690 –> 00:36:20,009
could be on top of the world right now.

541
00:36:20,640 –> 00:36:25,350
Um, obviously purpose, a lot of
men, uh, especially like I mentioned

542
00:36:25,350 –> 00:36:26,970
earlier, we get to that point in our,

543
00:36:27,435 –> 00:36:31,875
whether it’s in our marriages or with
our kids, especially, you know, they

544
00:36:31,875 –> 00:36:36,254
get off, go off to college and all of a
sudden where, when you sat, stood there

545
00:36:36,254 –> 00:36:41,444
and said, My purpose is to raise my family
for the last fifteen to eighteen years.

546
00:36:42,015 –> 00:36:44,265
And all of a sudden you get to that
point where all the kids are gone,

547
00:36:44,265 –> 00:36:46,904
they’re doing their thing, they
don’t need dad so much anymore.

548
00:36:47,205 –> 00:36:48,495
What’s my purpose?

549
00:36:48,615 –> 00:36:51,405
And you’re standing there with nothing
to do other than maybe go play a

550
00:36:51,405 –> 00:36:52,575
round of golf with your buddies.

551
00:36:52,845 –> 00:36:58,725
So, so having a, a deeper purpose that
carries you into your forties, fifties,

552
00:36:58,725 –> 00:37:01,245
sixties, seventies is, is super important.

553
00:37:01,575 –> 00:37:07,275
Having opportunities to, to, um,
whether it’s, again, um, have that,

554
00:37:07,275 –> 00:37:10,755
have something purposeful to do,
whether it’s financial stability,

555
00:37:10,755 –> 00:37:13,575
you know, building your retirement
portfolio, things like that we work on.

556
00:37:13,964 –> 00:37:16,904
Um, obviously your wellbeing,
your mental, physical, spiritual

557
00:37:16,904 –> 00:37:20,415
health, super important, and
having fundamentals around those.

558
00:37:20,415 –> 00:37:25,634
A lot of guys, you know, don’t, don’t,
don’t emphasize that that physical

559
00:37:25,634 –> 00:37:28,755
health, that mental health, that
spiritual health, they just keep going

560
00:37:28,755 –> 00:37:31,935
and going and doing on the hamster wheel
and they’re burning themselves out.

561
00:37:32,420 –> 00:37:36,855
And, and to be able to have those, those
fundamentals in place and habit, good

562
00:37:36,855 –> 00:37:39,285
habits in place is super important.

563
00:37:39,345 –> 00:37:43,305
And then resources, you know,
obviously having, having enough

564
00:37:43,305 –> 00:37:46,215
money to do the things that you
wanna do, that’s, that’s a big one.

565
00:37:46,545 –> 00:37:50,385
Um, my wife and I right now love
to travel, so having the resources

566
00:37:50,385 –> 00:37:53,265
to do that so we can travel
and have those experiences like

567
00:37:53,265 –> 00:37:54,645
I mentioned, super important.

568
00:37:54,645 –> 00:37:57,645
So those are all the things that,
that I like to work on with men and

569
00:37:57,645 –> 00:38:00,355
make sure that they’re, they’re,
they’re hitting all, hitting all

570
00:38:00,355 –> 00:38:01,785
those, checking all those boxes.

571
00:38:01,995 –> 00:38:05,895
And then, again, having the
foundation, the fundamentals, and

572
00:38:05,895 –> 00:38:08,685
then using those to build up on.

573
00:38:09,150 –> 00:38:09,540
Yeah.

574
00:38:09,990 –> 00:38:13,600
So building up self-esteem is big.

575
00:38:14,160 –> 00:38:19,710
And you, you went through this
with your weight loss journey.

576
00:38:20,580 –> 00:38:27,120
How do, how do you feel compared to
your old self, to your new self, Bob?

577
00:38:29,940 –> 00:38:31,860
Oh, it’s not even the same guy.

578
00:38:32,430 –> 00:38:32,910
Not even.

579
00:38:33,180 –> 00:38:38,040
Not even the same guy that, I mean,
that guy used to walk up, you know, walk

580
00:38:38,040 –> 00:38:39,510
up a flight of stairs and get winded.

581
00:38:40,260 –> 00:38:44,010
Um, he, you know, he used to
get angry at the drop of a hat.

582
00:38:44,580 –> 00:38:48,630
Um, take offense and, and, and
judge, judge people walking down the

583
00:38:48,630 –> 00:38:51,780
street for, for looking different,
or being different, or whatever.

584
00:38:52,260 –> 00:38:54,425
And he, that, that guy
doesn’t exist anymore.

585
00:38:54,535 –> 00:38:58,365
He’s, he’s, I, I mean, he, he pokes
his head up every once in a while and I

586
00:38:58,365 –> 00:39:04,335
try to shove him back in the can, but,
um, but for the, for the most part, he,

587
00:39:04,424 –> 00:39:06,585
that, that, that guy no longer exists.

588
00:39:06,585 –> 00:39:11,295
And, and I, I do my best to love and serve
everybody, uh, that I come across and,

589
00:39:11,715 –> 00:39:16,335
uh, you know, try to, try to, try to leave
this place better than the way I found it.

590
00:39:17,790 –> 00:39:18,360
Amen.

591
00:39:18,360 –> 00:39:19,440
I like that a lot.

592
00:39:19,650 –> 00:39:23,940
You know, shoving him back in the
can, I think that’s very important.

593
00:39:24,450 –> 00:39:30,765
Uh, we, we all have these trigger
points and if we can recognize

594
00:39:30,765 –> 00:39:35,955
those, we can actually shove him
back in the can a lot easier.

595
00:39:36,015 –> 00:39:42,525
So I like that, that visualization,
you know, just get back in the can.

596
00:39:43,904 –> 00:39:44,504
That’s great.

597
00:39:45,735 –> 00:39:48,734
Let’s, let’s, let’s get back in there
and, and we’ll, we’ll keep on moving.

598
00:39:49,920 –> 00:39:54,720
Bob, is there anything else
you think we should speak about

599
00:39:54,720 –> 00:39:56,820
today before we wrap things up?

600
00:39:58,169 –> 00:40:02,130
Um, I think I, I think I covered
all, all the high points of

601
00:40:02,130 –> 00:40:04,860
things that I wanted to, I wanted
to get on, on record with you.

602
00:40:04,950 –> 00:40:08,940
So, um, other than that, just, you
know, if, if men are interested

603
00:40:08,940 –> 00:40:12,750
in talking about what it looks
like to, uh, to work together.

604
00:40:13,020 –> 00:40:16,015
if they, if again, if they wanna
strengthen their marriage, build

605
00:40:16,015 –> 00:40:19,885
trusting relationships, or, um, align
their ambition with their values so

606
00:40:19,885 –> 00:40:22,885
they can thrive in their businesses,
uh, I’d love to talk to you.

607
00:40:22,885 –> 00:40:24,565
I do, I offer a free consultation.

608
00:40:25,015 –> 00:40:29,065
Um, go to my website, men,
menbecomingbettermen, here on the wall

609
00:40:29,065 –> 00:40:31,575
behind me, um, menbecomingbettermen.com.

610
00:40:31,895 –> 00:40:34,444
Um, inquire on there.

611
00:40:34,465 –> 00:40:37,075
And, uh, I’d, I’d love
to have a talk with you.

612
00:40:37,075 –> 00:40:40,214
We can see, see where you, what
you’re up against and, and what

613
00:40:40,214 –> 00:40:41,294
it, where it is you wanna go.

614
00:40:41,355 –> 00:40:45,044
I mean, that’s really the, probably the
most important thing, um, is, uh, having

615
00:40:45,044 –> 00:40:46,245
an understanding of where you wanna go.

616
00:40:46,245 –> 00:40:50,234
If you don’t like where you’re at, um, you
wanna, obviously wanna go somewhere else.

617
00:40:50,234 –> 00:40:53,625
We can, we can help put that roadmap
together and, and get you from where

618
00:40:53,625 –> 00:40:54,915
you were to where you wanna be.

619
00:40:55,365 –> 00:41:01,274
So is there any social sites that
people can look you up on and see

620
00:41:01,274 –> 00:41:02,895
if they wanna connect with you?

621
00:41:04,410 –> 00:41:04,890
Yeah, sure.

622
00:41:04,950 –> 00:41:07,830
Uh, my Instagram is the
relationship engineer.

623
00:41:08,280 –> 00:41:11,610
Uh, also same on TikTok,
the relationship engineer.

624
00:41:11,610 –> 00:41:14,310
Those are probably the two easiest
to where you can see some of my

625
00:41:14,310 –> 00:41:17,910
content, kind of get a, get a feel
for, for some of the things I talk

626
00:41:17,910 –> 00:41:19,420
about, things I work with people on.

627
00:41:19,420 –> 00:41:23,250
And, uh, and obviously message me
through either of those as well.

628
00:41:23,595 –> 00:41:28,470
It, it, it’s always good to speak with
people out there doing good things, Bob.

629
00:41:28,500 –> 00:41:31,770
And you’re doing remarkable things.

630
00:41:33,420 –> 00:41:41,010
Divorce rate is through the roof and
if, if we can educate people how to

631
00:41:41,010 –> 00:41:46,980
overcome those things before that
divorce, it’s, it’s always a good thing.

632
00:41:46,980 –> 00:41:51,690
And I appreciate you sharing with
us today and I wish you the best.

633
00:41:53,460 –> 00:41:54,780
Thank you, sir, I appreciate that.

634
00:41:54,780 –> 00:41:55,590
Thank you very much.

635
00:41:59,580 –> 00:42:01,200
Thank you for joining us today.

636
00:42:01,890 –> 00:42:08,100
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,

637
00:42:08,910 –> 00:42:15,320
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another

638
00:42:15,320 –> 00:42:18,710
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.

639
00:42:19,010 –> 00:42:24,530
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.