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That, okay, in, in this world,
who’s showing up to work, right?

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So if I’m showing up to work as
this wounded person, you know,

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and that, you know, I feel like
I’m a victim, I start attracting

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people that treat me like a victim.

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So all of a sudden this
pattern keeps happening.

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But if I stop,

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Today, we are speaking with
Dr. Dean and HollyKem Sunseri.

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They are the authors of A Roadmap
to the Soul, a practical guide to

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love, compassion, and inner peace.

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They are also the creators of Transform
You, it’s an online coaching program.

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Could you please introduce yourselves?

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And let people know just a little more
about you before we get started, please.

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Yeah, hi.

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Well, we are married.

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We’ve been married since July of 91, so
we’re at thirty-three years right now.

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And we’re both life coaches and
therapists and, um, we wrote a book and

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we been helping people for a long time.

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But today with online you can, you
know, you can reach across and, uh,

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do a lot of good stuff in coaching.

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So we’re excited to be here.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Did I miss anything?

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Well, there’s a lot more to be said,
but I think that’s a great introduction.

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Alright.

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Well, uh, the thing I like the most
about you is you guys are out here

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doing this work to bring people
awareness of how to be better people.

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Be better couples.

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Uh, being a couple is not easy.

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My wife and I, we’ve
been together since 1985.

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We were married in 85, but
we’ve been together since 83.

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So this is our fortieth year
being married in September.

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Uh, thank you and
congratulations to you guys also.

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It’s hard.

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As well you know, you, you have to control
so much to have a positive relationship.

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Uh, the thing that I really wanna
speak most about is having that

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higher power in our relationship.

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You are Christian counselors
and you have that faith.

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I, I believe that we have to
have higher powers guiding us.

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Could you speak to us first about, what
do you think about having higher powers

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guide us in our relationship and listen
to the small voices speaking to us?

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Yeah, I think that’s, uh, that’s
real key to a relationship.

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You know, if you look at the, uh,
Judeo-Christian tradition, the first

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story in the Bible was a man and
woman who were together and they

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were walking in harmony with God.

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And so there’s something about
that image, I think, that’s very

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important because really successful
marriages are not twosomes, they’re

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actually threesomes in a sense.

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And that the first marital
fight on record was after their

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disconnection with God occurred.

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And so after, after they fell or
they sinned, they were hiding out

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together and God was looking for
them and started to question them.

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And then basically they got into a
he did it, she did it kind of thing.

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And that was the first fight.

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But I think that, you know, it’s not only
a story, but I think it has a practical

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application to the fact that we are meant
to walk in fellowship with the higher

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power, with God, with Jesus, Holy Spirit.

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And that when that’s in harmony
and intact, then it makes the

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relationship a lot easier.

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Another way of looking at it, it is that
we all are built inside with a conscience.

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And I believe the more connected
we are spiritually, the more aware

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of, we are of our conscience.

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And that, that conscience
will, will guide us.

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You know, if, if I’m disrespectful
to my wife, earlier in my immature

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days, my wife would have to correct
me and I would say, Oh, well I

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didn’t mean that, this and that.

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But, but as I’ve grown and grown more
in our connection with the Lord, that

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if I say something disrespectful to her,
I actually have a check in my spirit.

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There’s something inside of me that
says, no, you’ve gone a little too far.

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You’re going a little too far.

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You need to take responsibility
for that, cut that down.

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And all of a sudden it’s like I have
this internal teacher that’s teaching

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me how to, uh, treat, how to speak to.

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Now I can’t say I always
do it well, but it’s there.

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And the greater spiritual awareness
that we have, the greater that voice

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is and it actually helps create a
governor and creates a teacher in

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our relationship with our spouse
and really in all our relationships.

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Well, I think too is that for myself,
is that, you know, I love Jesus and God

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more than I love my husband and I can,

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Amen.

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I like that.

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Yeah, and I can say that he does too.

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So what that does is, that main
relationship, it keeps me, you

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know, grounded in the sense of what
is it that I really want on earth?

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You know, what, what’s
really important to me here?

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And, you know, to win that
particular argument or to win that

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particular, whatever, negotiation,
is like, in a negotiation, I don’t

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want my spouse to be a loser.

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Why would I wanna be married to a loser?

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You know what I’m saying?

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So it’s like in the negotiations,
I want us both to win, right?

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Because I wanna be married to a
winner and I hope he doesn’t wanna

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be married to a loser either.

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So if we look at it like that, then
it’s like it becomes a negotiation

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for us both to win whatever
it is we need to negotiate on.

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So, you know, when it becomes that we’re
partners and it’s not like, you know, I’m

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the Saints and he’s the Falcons, right?

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That we’re fighting each other and
trying to win this game versus that

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we’re both on the Saints team, you know?

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He happens to be the offense leader
and I’m the defense leader, I’m the

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offense leader and he’s the defense
leader, that we’re on the same team to

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negotiate on how we can win whatever
it is that we need to negotiate on.

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So it becomes a whole different
way of seeing it versus he’s my

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competitor and he’s my, you know,
equal, or he’s my person that I have

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to fight, or my enemy, you know?

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He’s my friend, he’s my, he’s my
lover, he’s my partner, you know?

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I like that a lot, I really
think that that’s key.

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If, if we understand that we’re going
to have disagreements and we don’t

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have to argue about every disagreement.

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And that falls into the emotional
intelligence that we gain by

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accepting our failures, our
weaknesses, and even our divisions.

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Uh, what do you have to say about that?

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Yeah, I agree.

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Yeah.

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And, you know, um, I love talking
about emotional intelligence.

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That’s what, that was probably the thing
that I’d have to say, I can say that I’ve

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learned the most in sixty-four years is
how to navigate my emotions, how to know

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my emotions, how to connect with them,
how to speak for myself, or them, how

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to understand where they’re coming from.

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If they’re coming from something that’s
happened in front of me or something

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in front of me is connecting to some
old pain that is left in me and then,

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you know, how do I handle that versus
the old ways that I used to handle it?

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Or even if I hear it in my head, the old
way that I used to handle it, learning

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to hear that, but not empower that.

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Yeah.

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You know, so really what we’ve learned
on, how to, you know, and what we

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teach is how to really look at that
emotional life, love ourselves through

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that, and then speak for ourselves.

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And not just become it, you know?

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And how, you know, how do you
not become it is you gotta be

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emotionally intelligent, right?

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Yeah.

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You wanna go there?

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Yeah, I think it’s interesting.

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We’ve been doing marriage counseling,
coaching for over three decades.

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What I find, Ed, that’s really
interesting is that oftentimes the

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people are divorcing the wrong person.

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In a sense that

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they’re trying to divorce their own
painful history that keeps coming up from

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them, that’s triggered by their partner,
but that’s who they’re trying to divorce.

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And if they’re not able to successfully,
in a sense, divorce outta common peace in

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terms with that, then those very things
will be played out with their partner.

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And so sometimes it’s like, to myself, I
mean, sometimes I’ll say like, You, you

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might be divorcing the wrong person here.

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You know, you divorce the situation.

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Now obviously I’m not talking about an
abusive situation and something really

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tragic is happening and they need to
get out, but I’m just saying in general.

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Another thing too, to add, that it’s
not about divorcing your parents

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No.

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or the people that hurt you,
it’s about divorcing the emotion

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that’s attached to all of that.

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The painful memory.

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Right.

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The painful memories of what
happened, the way we felt and saw it.

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May it be that way or
not, it doesn’t matter.

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It’s the way I, it felt when I was
a little kid, or you know, a little

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boy and something happened to us,
and so now we’re, you know, it

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gets triggered in this relationship

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Yeah.

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and we start playing it out on each other.

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And I just want you to stop doing that.

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And if you just stop doing
that, then I’ll be okay, right?

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But that’s not true.

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And, go ahead.

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Well, we know, we know that is, we
talk about emotional intelligence.

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That our wounds, any wounds that we’ve
experienced, have two characteristics

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that are so important to understand.

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Our wounds have no sense of time, which
means any wound that we’re carrying from

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our history doesn’t know the difference
between five years ago, ten years ago,

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twenty years ago, yesterday and today.

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And that part of us thinks in symbols.

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Yeah.

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So symbols can trigger it off.

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The symbol can be an anniversary
date, the symbol could be a person, it

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could be a female, it could be a male,
it could be an authority figure, it

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could be a number of different things.

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Like a real simple, I had a guy that
was driving from New Orleans and

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Baton Rouge one time in college.

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Uh, it was raining real hard, flipped the
car and, uh, walked out of it unscathed,

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but really could have been killed.

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And, you know, fifteen, twenty years
later, was driving from New Orleans

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to Baton Rouge and it started to rain
and had an absolute panic attack.

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Right.

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Now the panic attack wasn’t because
it was raining and he didn’t know how

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to drive, he’s an experienced driver.

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It was because the symbol of, its
raining and I’m driving between

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New Orleans and Baton Rouge.

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And all the pain that he had from the
original accident that hadn’t really

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successfully been dealt with came
up for him and he was having a panic

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attack and he didn’t understand it.

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But I mean, it makes easy sense as I’m
talking about it, but we’re talking

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about a twenty year difference between
the first experience and the second one.

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And so we all can have sensitive
triggers that can occur if, If, uh,

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they get, the symbol gets activated.

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Right.

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And that’s what happens in relationship
with, uh, emotional intelligence,

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is that we often get activated
about things that are happening.

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But the intensity that we’re feeling
maybe is about a symbol in the past.

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Right.

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And so, you know, if my wife said
something that’s upsetting to me, or

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say she’s being controlling and I have
this issue about being controlled.

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Now she may deserve out of one to
ten scale, uh, ten being high, a

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reaction that deserves a three.

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But because it’s a sensitive symbol
that I’ve had over and over again,

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and she’s being controlling, all of a
sudden I’m feeling an eight or nine.

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And so instead of a three, she’s
experienced an eight or nine, and she’s

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saying, Wow, that’s quite an overreaction.

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I, I just told you to
wear that shirt, you know?

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And, and I’m an eight or a nine.

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00:13:29,945 –> 00:13:34,205
And okay, well, where’s the extra
five or six come from, right?

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It comes from my unique history
and it’s not about her, it’s

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only partially about her.

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00:13:39,965 –> 00:13:42,605
But if I can’t calibrate and
understand the difference,

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Right.

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00:13:43,730 –> 00:13:45,290
it’s gonna cause fireworks.

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That’s good.

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00:13:49,370 –> 00:13:49,940
Yeah.

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00:13:49,940 –> 00:13:55,490
I like that a lot because I, I experienced
that the other day, you know, my

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00:13:55,490 –> 00:13:57,440
wife and I, we had a disagreement.

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And how we handle that, I, I recognized
how we changed that, you know,

221
00:14:06,410 –> 00:14:08,390
interaction throughout the years.

222
00:14:08,390 –> 00:14:14,870
It used to be very volatile and,
you know, just erupt into something

223
00:14:14,870 –> 00:14:16,610
it shouldn’t have really quick.

224
00:14:17,090 –> 00:14:24,440
And now it’s more I say, No, you’re
not allowed to do that to me.

225
00:14:24,470 –> 00:14:31,040
And until you accept what you’ve
done and how you approached me,

226
00:14:32,150 –> 00:14:37,895
we can’t carry on any further
with this argument or discussion.

227
00:14:38,255 –> 00:14:45,125
Let’s do it in a way that we can
actually sit down, talk, and, and

228
00:14:45,125 –> 00:14:51,785
it’s getting easier and easier
to go through these past traumas.

229
00:14:51,815 –> 00:14:58,880
Because that’s what sparks a lot of these
things is past traumas and I, I really

230
00:14:58,880 –> 00:15:05,960
think it’s very key that we identify
those trigger points that make us upset.

231
00:15:06,980 –> 00:15:12,920
So now as we go through these things,
I find myself saying, Hey, let’s

232
00:15:12,920 –> 00:15:15,860
stop there, and what caused that?

233
00:15:16,850 –> 00:15:20,060
Let’s identify what just caused that.

234
00:15:21,050 –> 00:15:27,125
And I think it’s easier if
we can start doing that, we

235
00:15:27,125 –> 00:15:29,525
can get over it much quicker.

236
00:15:31,445 –> 00:15:31,735
Yeah.

237
00:15:32,315 –> 00:15:35,555
And one of the things that I
always say is the trigger is an

238
00:15:35,555 –> 00:15:40,115
opportunity to love myself in an
area that didn’t get enough love.

239
00:15:41,335 –> 00:15:42,335
Oh, I like that.

240
00:15:44,065 –> 00:15:45,015
Isn’t that good?

241
00:15:45,275 –> 00:15:49,160
Because it’s like there’s a
wound that has been there, right?

242
00:15:49,520 –> 00:15:52,430
It’s, it, it, you know, something
happened to us and it’s there.

243
00:15:52,670 –> 00:15:55,190
It’s not that we don’t know it, it’s
not that we haven’t talked about it,

244
00:15:55,190 –> 00:15:58,460
not that we haven’t brought it to the
table, not that it hasn’t jumped out of

245
00:15:58,460 –> 00:16:00,290
the closet, all of these things, right?

246
00:16:00,710 –> 00:16:06,370
But when it comes up again, it just
means, what I see is, it means that

247
00:16:06,580 –> 00:16:11,200
that thing needed, let’s say you need a
thousand, you know, you need a hundred,

248
00:16:11,350 –> 00:16:15,010
you need a hundred pounds of love for
that particular thing to really be healed,

249
00:16:15,040 –> 00:16:15,460
okay?

250
00:16:15,820 –> 00:16:19,210
So over your lifetime, it’s
maybe gotten 50%, okay?

251
00:16:20,180 –> 00:16:22,160
And now it comes up again.

252
00:16:22,610 –> 00:16:28,430
It’s an opportunity to go in, for my, for
my true self, to love the wound itself.

253
00:16:28,940 –> 00:16:32,810
And for me to take this opportunity
to love that part of me.

254
00:16:33,020 –> 00:16:33,740
And you know what?

255
00:16:33,740 –> 00:16:39,680
After this incident, I may, that,
that wound may only need 40% Now.

256
00:16:40,060 –> 00:16:43,840
I’ve loved it, I’ve loved it 60% so far.

257
00:16:44,080 –> 00:16:47,350
And you can’t love something
that hasn’t jumped out, Right?

258
00:16:47,350 –> 00:16:49,180
Or that hasn’t gotten like, you know,

259
00:16:49,420 –> 00:16:50,260
Brought to the surface.

260
00:16:50,260 –> 00:16:51,490
yeah, brought to the surface.

261
00:16:51,490 –> 00:16:56,230
So it’s like it’s an opportunity
versus me going, Stop, stop doing

262
00:16:56,230 –> 00:16:58,181
that to me, you always do that to me.

263
00:16:58,810 –> 00:17:02,890
It’s because, versus saying, Okay, just
like you said, like, okay, let’s look at

264
00:17:02,890 –> 00:17:04,420
this and see where this is coming from.

265
00:17:04,600 –> 00:17:07,504
And it’s like I have an
opportunity to love myself in this.

266
00:17:07,504 –> 00:17:12,214
And then of course, my partner that loves
me, and I’m taking ownership of this

267
00:17:12,214 –> 00:17:17,915
thing, he may say, Wow, I can really see
how that hurt you and how that triggered

268
00:17:17,915 –> 00:17:19,835
that and I never meant to do that.

269
00:17:20,825 –> 00:17:23,464
And then so he’s loving me too in this.

270
00:17:23,734 –> 00:17:26,855
So maybe now it’s gone down to 38%,

271
00:17:27,004 –> 00:17:27,814
you know what I’m saying?

272
00:17:28,085 –> 00:17:33,514
But what if it takes till I die for this
thing to get a hundred percent of love?

273
00:17:34,730 –> 00:17:37,280
It’s just, I get to love myself.

274
00:17:37,940 –> 00:17:42,050
It’s not like this is this horrible
thing that we all get so afraid of

275
00:17:42,050 –> 00:17:43,520
and that we don’t want it to come up.

276
00:17:43,820 –> 00:17:47,630
But it’s like all of us deserve
the hundred percent of love

277
00:17:47,630 –> 00:17:50,000
that each wound needs to heal.

278
00:17:50,240 –> 00:17:53,990
It’s just, you know, me taking
those opportunities to do it.

279
00:17:54,260 –> 00:17:58,850
And for my true self to love my wounded
self instead of the protective part

280
00:17:58,850 –> 00:18:03,255
of me saying, You need to stop, stop
doing that or, you know, I’m gonna

281
00:18:03,255 –> 00:18:07,305
drink over this, or I’m gonna smoke
dope, or I’m gonna run away, or I’m

282
00:18:07,305 –> 00:18:08,985
gonna get a divorce, or whatever

283
00:18:08,985 –> 00:18:09,945
that part says.

284
00:18:09,975 –> 00:18:14,445
I’m gonna leave my whole life behind
so I cannot have to feel this feeling

285
00:18:14,445 –> 00:18:16,275
anymore or this wound anymore.

286
00:18:16,485 –> 00:18:18,280
And it’s like, it’s not gonna happen.

287
00:18:18,280 –> 00:18:23,380
I mean, unless you’re gonna like,
just like live in your room and be

288
00:18:23,380 –> 00:18:28,060
in contact with no human beings, you
know, it’s not gonna happen, right?

289
00:18:28,060 –> 00:18:30,310
I mean, you’re going to get
triggered, go to the grocery.

290
00:18:30,310 –> 00:18:31,240
I mean, it’s gonna happen.

291
00:18:33,400 –> 00:18:33,610
Yeah.

292
00:18:33,940 –> 00:18:39,040
Uh, you know, and, and I think it’s
important for the males to understand,

293
00:18:39,040 –> 00:18:45,850
especially the young males that might be
going through these things, that we’ve

294
00:18:45,850 –> 00:18:53,390
got to learn to listen to our wife and,
you know, sometimes that hurts our ego.

295
00:18:53,870 –> 00:19:00,530
But when we have those hurts, our egos
being hurt, isn’t that something that

296
00:19:00,860 –> 00:19:03,860
we as males need to look deeper into?

297
00:19:05,080 –> 00:19:06,170
Yeah, definitely.

298
00:19:06,230 –> 00:19:07,640
I definitely think so.

299
00:19:07,640 –> 00:19:13,130
It’s that, you know, a relationship’s
gonna challenge us both to grow.

300
00:19:14,315 –> 00:19:21,305
And when a couple comes in, you know,
I always say that, that if you can take

301
00:19:21,305 –> 00:19:25,625
responsibility to your contribution to
any argument, we can work through it.

302
00:19:26,745 –> 00:19:31,300
Because the tendency is to be overly
focused on what your partner’s doing.

303
00:19:33,245 –> 00:19:40,505
And the things can shift when I can
say, What is my reaction, my response,

304
00:19:40,505 –> 00:19:42,255
and how did I contribute to it?

305
00:19:42,255 –> 00:19:45,905
I’m not talking about placing
blame and who has blame in this.

306
00:19:46,395 –> 00:19:48,635
Look, it takes two to tango.

307
00:19:49,295 –> 00:19:52,805
And so I think sometimes it’s the
biggest challenge for, for, for men,

308
00:19:52,805 –> 00:19:59,615
women also, is to say, okay, like for
example, if, if my wife figuratively,

309
00:19:59,615 –> 00:20:03,335
which she’s never done, slap me three
times and then I slap her back once

310
00:20:03,335 –> 00:20:08,690
and she slaps me three more, in my
own mind, she’s got six in, I got one.

311
00:20:08,690 –> 00:20:10,250
She deserves at least two or three.

312
00:20:11,930 –> 00:20:16,010
But if we were gonna really work on this,

313
00:20:16,100 –> 00:20:16,310
Right.

314
00:20:16,880 –> 00:20:19,610
I need to take responsibility
for my one slap.

315
00:20:20,450 –> 00:20:21,870
Say, Honey, that was wrong.

316
00:20:22,460 –> 00:20:24,080
I’m sorry I, I slapped you.

317
00:20:24,080 –> 00:20:25,920
It’s her job to work on her six.

318
00:20:26,900 –> 00:20:32,210
But the, the interesting thing is,
if I did that, it would actually

319
00:20:32,210 –> 00:20:35,840
increase the chances of her taking
responsibility for her part.

320
00:20:37,295 –> 00:20:42,395
What, what most people don’t
understand is that the attitude of,

321
00:20:42,545 –> 00:20:48,235
of true repentance actually creates
conviction for the other person.

322
00:20:48,265 –> 00:20:50,285
So, to give you another example.

323
00:20:50,285 –> 00:20:56,985
If you, and Ed, and I, you, you and I
were business partners and we had an

324
00:20:56,985 –> 00:21:01,145
agreement nobody takes money outta the
company without the others’ permission.

325
00:21:01,145 –> 00:21:04,445
And say you take $10,000
out and I’m all mad.

326
00:21:04,450 –> 00:21:07,565
I say, I can’t believe Ed took it
without telling me this and that.

327
00:21:07,905 –> 00:21:12,305
And then I take out $2,000 and
then you’re mad at me for that.

328
00:21:12,305 –> 00:21:14,585
And we having our own justification.

329
00:21:15,245 –> 00:21:20,405
If I have a meeting with you and I
said, Ed, you as a business partner mean

330
00:21:20,405 –> 00:21:25,115
so much to me and I made an agreement
with you to not take any money outta

331
00:21:25,115 –> 00:21:27,410
the company without your permission.

332
00:21:28,310 –> 00:21:32,480
And I took $2,000 out of this
company and I’m putting it back

333
00:21:32,480 –> 00:21:34,220
because it was wrong, and I’m sorry.

334
00:21:35,090 –> 00:21:36,770
And I asked for your forgiveness.

335
00:21:37,730 –> 00:21:39,980
Now most people would say,
that’s stupid to do that.

336
00:21:40,640 –> 00:21:41,600
No, no, no, no.

337
00:21:42,020 –> 00:21:47,210
I do that and I walk away, that’s
going to increase the chances of you

338
00:21:47,490 –> 00:21:47,840
Right.

339
00:21:48,210 –> 00:21:49,760
having your own conviction.

340
00:21:51,140 –> 00:21:51,740
Wow.

341
00:21:52,355 –> 00:21:54,545
He took only 2000, I took 10.

342
00:21:54,545 –> 00:21:56,225
He’s sorrowful, he’s authentic.

343
00:21:56,225 –> 00:21:59,945
He’s expressing how important I
am to the business relationship.

344
00:22:00,005 –> 00:22:02,105
He’s taken responsibility for that.

345
00:22:02,315 –> 00:22:06,315
That’s actually going to increase the
chances of you taking responsibility.

346
00:22:06,725 –> 00:22:10,365
You may not, but I just made
it harder for you not to.

347
00:22:10,900 –> 00:22:16,265
And I’m gonna get a lot more leverage
out of that than to cuss you out and call

348
00:22:16,265 –> 00:22:20,045
you a low down dog, and you’re a robber,
and you’re a crook, and this and that.

349
00:22:20,345 –> 00:22:24,125
It, that, that’s not gonna get us
anywhere, it’s not gonna get us anywhere.

350
00:22:24,545 –> 00:22:29,135
So, so I, I do say, and I challenge
the young men out there is, take

351
00:22:29,135 –> 00:22:30,845
responsibility for your part.

352
00:22:30,895 –> 00:22:35,855
Have the humility to acknowledge
that, and you actually get closer

353
00:22:35,855 –> 00:22:37,285
to the result that you want.

354
00:22:37,395 –> 00:22:42,425
And I always say that the other thing
that’s key in, especially in, in dealing

355
00:22:42,425 –> 00:22:48,005
with disputes is, I’ve, I’ve come to
understand over the years that I really

356
00:22:48,005 –> 00:22:50,315
need to trust my partner’s intention.

357
00:22:51,965 –> 00:22:57,515
It’s, it’s very uncanny how, here’s
the woman that I’ve been married to

358
00:22:57,515 –> 00:23:03,665
thirty-three years, she’s my lover, she
knows everything about me, she has access

359
00:23:03,665 –> 00:23:08,015
to all my bank accounts, she has access
to everything that’s important to me.

360
00:23:08,015 –> 00:23:12,905
And in 3.2 seconds, she can
go from my friend to my enemy.

361
00:23:13,955 –> 00:23:16,385
You know, just something could
be said, and all of a sudden

362
00:23:16,385 –> 00:23:17,855
I’m seeing her as an enemy.

363
00:23:17,855 –> 00:23:24,095
Now here’s this person and it’s, it’s
crazy how that can happen to us, but

364
00:23:24,095 –> 00:23:30,335
I think it’s really important to, to
say, No, I’m gonna trust her intention.

365
00:23:31,275 –> 00:23:34,375
And her intention wasn’t
to hurt me, she loves me.

366
00:23:34,555 –> 00:23:39,530
And I’m not gonna see her as my enemy,
I’m just gonna see her as a friend that

367
00:23:39,530 –> 00:23:41,360
did something that was hurtful to me.

368
00:23:41,780 –> 00:23:46,130
And we’re not going to square
off in enemy battle lines.

369
00:23:47,360 –> 00:23:54,230
And if I do that, I can stay, I can keep
the lines of communication open in a way

370
00:23:54,230 –> 00:23:56,930
that potentially can create resolution.

371
00:23:58,640 –> 00:24:00,950
Yeah, I think that’s so big.

372
00:24:01,190 –> 00:24:08,810
Uh, you know, Dean, because we,
we often want to protect ourselves

373
00:24:08,810 –> 00:24:14,120
and we do that to the person
closest to us for some reason.

374
00:24:14,120 –> 00:24:20,510
And you know, just the other day when
we had our disagreement, there was

375
00:24:20,570 –> 00:24:29,315
this sense that I was an enemy and
we, we stepped through that because we

376
00:24:29,315 –> 00:24:37,175
recognized, Hey, no, you’re, you’re the
person here helping, being with me, and

377
00:24:37,835 –> 00:24:41,555
that you got together for that reason.

378
00:24:41,615 –> 00:24:42,665
I’m sure of it.

379
00:24:42,815 –> 00:24:48,365
And we have to remember those
precious moments and why we love

380
00:24:48,365 –> 00:24:54,155
each other, because there’s no one
closer to you than your partner.

381
00:24:54,514 –> 00:25:02,554
And, and even, I, I like that you took
that into a business sense and yes, I,

382
00:25:02,554 –> 00:25:12,065
I think every bit of being able to own
up and step up, even though somebody

383
00:25:12,065 –> 00:25:20,945
else may not be willing to, is key to
showing people that there’s a better way.

384
00:25:21,650 –> 00:25:27,350
Then when, when we do that,
people do, they recognize, Wow.

385
00:25:28,610 –> 00:25:31,610
And it makes them pause,
take pause at that.

386
00:25:31,880 –> 00:25:35,690
So I really enjoy hearing that.

387
00:25:36,830 –> 00:25:45,215
Another thing that I, as I researched
you, limiting patterns, you guys talk

388
00:25:45,215 –> 00:25:49,055
about limiting patterns in our behaviors.

389
00:25:49,535 –> 00:25:51,545
Could you talk to us about that?

390
00:25:51,635 –> 00:25:53,825
Because I think that’s pretty important.

391
00:25:55,040 –> 00:25:55,400
Yeah.

392
00:25:55,640 –> 00:25:58,500
In patterns, it’s, you know,
one of the things is we wanna

393
00:25:58,500 –> 00:26:00,800
understand ourselves, right?

394
00:26:01,070 –> 00:26:06,740
And we wanna see, uh, for me it’s always
doing the work, you know, doing the work.

395
00:26:06,980 –> 00:26:09,140
And the, and people are
like, What is the work?

396
00:26:10,400 –> 00:26:13,580
Well, the work is the things, first,
you start out with the things that

397
00:26:13,580 –> 00:26:14,600
you don’t like about yourself.

398
00:26:14,630 –> 00:26:17,525
Which means, I’m not talking about,
you know, if you need a facelift,

399
00:26:17,525 –> 00:26:19,145
like I feel like I do, not that.

400
00:26:19,145 –> 00:26:21,125
I’m not talking about that, I’m not
talking about the physical stuff.

401
00:26:21,365 –> 00:26:26,795
I’m talking about the part of us that,
you know, uh, snaps, or the part of us

402
00:26:26,795 –> 00:26:31,655
that’s rude, or the part of us that, you
know, says, when we look in the mirrors,

403
00:26:31,920 –> 00:26:35,040
says ugly things to us or calls us stupid.

404
00:26:35,070 –> 00:26:38,340
That part of us that we don’t
like about ourselves is really

405
00:26:38,340 –> 00:26:40,500
starting to understand that part.

406
00:26:40,500 –> 00:26:41,970
How does that part see me?

407
00:26:41,970 –> 00:26:43,560
How does that part see the world?

408
00:26:43,830 –> 00:26:48,450
You know, where, you know, in
all my life, how has this part

409
00:26:48,450 –> 00:26:50,460
of me not been nice to others?

410
00:26:50,590 –> 00:26:52,780
And maybe it’s just inside my head, okay?

411
00:26:53,140 –> 00:26:55,810
Or has been a yes person,
said yes to everybody.

412
00:26:55,810 –> 00:26:56,890
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

413
00:26:56,890 –> 00:26:59,710
And then I’m aggravated because
I don’t have no time for myself

414
00:26:59,710 –> 00:27:00,880
’cause it’s always a yes.

415
00:27:01,360 –> 00:27:07,210
And then really looking at the part
of me that is wounded and the way I’m

416
00:27:07,210 –> 00:27:12,480
afraid of things and the things that,
you know, that did not go well for me.

417
00:27:13,140 –> 00:27:16,264
People that, people, places, and
things that have hurt me, okay?

418
00:27:16,415 –> 00:27:19,514
So like, really separating
that out, all right?

419
00:27:19,795 –> 00:27:25,055
And when we do that, we can start to
see the patterns of our life, right?

420
00:27:25,055 –> 00:27:28,655
Is that, why do I keep picking
people that aren’t nice to me?

421
00:27:28,925 –> 00:27:32,195
Why do I keep having
friends that never call me?

422
00:27:32,465 –> 00:27:38,225
Why do I have, um, you know, I have a job
where my boss doesn’t even see me, okay?

423
00:27:38,225 –> 00:27:39,875
Like those types of things.

424
00:27:40,115 –> 00:27:42,605
So it’s like you start to see that, okay?

425
00:27:43,115 –> 00:27:46,445
In, in this world who’s
showing up to work, right?

426
00:27:46,625 –> 00:27:50,555
So if I’m showing up to work as
this wounded person, you know,

427
00:27:50,795 –> 00:27:55,115
and that, you know, I feel like
I’m a victim, I start attracting

428
00:27:55,115 –> 00:27:56,755
people that treat me like a victim.

429
00:27:58,055 –> 00:28:00,830
So all of a sudden this
pattern keeps happening.

430
00:28:01,129 –> 00:28:06,620
But if I stop and I start to look at my
own world, and I start to look at the

431
00:28:06,620 –> 00:28:10,310
things that I don’t like about myself,
and I start to look at the things of

432
00:28:10,310 –> 00:28:14,060
people, places, the things that hurt me,
and I start to dissect that and start

433
00:28:14,060 –> 00:28:18,260
to really give it a voice and see it
for myself, and you know, me knowing

434
00:28:18,260 –> 00:28:23,659
me, then all of a sudden as I give
myself a voice, then I have a choice

435
00:28:23,800 –> 00:28:28,480
on how I want to present myself to
the world, to my job, to my husband,

436
00:28:28,480 –> 00:28:30,190
to my children, to my friends.

437
00:28:30,400 –> 00:28:33,930
And then I start to have a
voice that says, I’m somebody.

438
00:28:34,390 –> 00:28:38,740
I, I’m gonna speak up at that next
meeting, I’m going to make sure that I

439
00:28:38,740 –> 00:28:42,490
tell my friend I need her to call me,
you know, once a week I’ll call her, she

440
00:28:42,520 –> 00:28:46,600
calls me, or we set up a text where we,
we’re giving each other some good things.

441
00:28:46,600 –> 00:28:50,280
Where I start to have better
expectations for myself for

442
00:28:50,280 –> 00:28:53,909
things that are not working, and I
start to have a voice about that.

443
00:28:53,909 –> 00:28:59,159
So I come out of that and I quit living
in those patterns because I start to take

444
00:28:59,399 –> 00:29:02,159
the power back on what’s important to me.

445
00:29:02,610 –> 00:29:03,355
Yeah, that’s good.

446
00:29:03,835 –> 00:29:06,610
I think the awareness, this,
first, you need to have

447
00:29:06,610 –> 00:29:08,350
awareness of your, the patterns.

448
00:29:08,370 –> 00:29:08,669
Yes.

449
00:29:08,850 –> 00:29:09,929
The limiting patterns.

450
00:29:10,230 –> 00:29:11,220
How do you do that?

451
00:29:11,550 –> 00:29:15,840
Well, you know, I ask a simple
question when I see, uh, either

452
00:29:15,840 –> 00:29:20,044
couples, individuals, first time, I
say, What are three behaviors that you

453
00:29:20,044 –> 00:29:24,395
do when you’re stressed out that you
would consider unhealthy behaviors?

454
00:29:25,504 –> 00:29:29,044
And so what I’m trying to get is,
what are the survival behaviors?

455
00:29:29,044 –> 00:29:30,605
We all have survival behaviors.

456
00:29:30,605 –> 00:29:35,205
Mine might be to run another person,
might be to be real aggressive.

457
00:29:35,485 –> 00:29:39,560
Another person might be to numb out,
another, you know, this, we all have

458
00:29:39,560 –> 00:29:45,140
our different coping behaviors, survival
behaviors, and those survival behaviors

459
00:29:45,140 –> 00:29:47,170
work for us when we develop them.

460
00:29:47,790 –> 00:29:50,240
But over time, they
begin to work against us

461
00:29:50,670 –> 00:29:53,570
and they become limiting to us.

462
00:29:53,975 –> 00:29:59,810
The, the second thing that need,
we need to have awareness about is

463
00:30:00,080 –> 00:30:05,075
actually the, the wounds that we’re
carrying that haven’t been resolved.

464
00:30:05,645 –> 00:30:10,925
We all carry things from our life and
our history that become internalized.

465
00:30:11,495 –> 00:30:14,615
And when we’re not aware of them,
then they take a life of their

466
00:30:14,615 –> 00:30:16,145
own, as HollyKem was talking.

467
00:30:16,445 –> 00:30:19,774
So we have these two parts, we
have our survival behaviors, and

468
00:30:19,774 –> 00:30:23,405
we have our internalized wounds
that haven’t been resolved.

469
00:30:23,825 –> 00:30:28,805
And those two things create the
unhealthy patterns, the reciprocal

470
00:30:28,805 –> 00:30:31,250
patterns that seem to get us in trouble.

471
00:30:31,580 –> 00:30:36,650
So what we do is we actually help you
first develop awareness about those,

472
00:30:36,680 –> 00:30:38,660
and we ask questions like I just did.

473
00:30:39,470 –> 00:30:42,530
Or we’ll ask questions about
experiences that you’ve had

474
00:30:42,740 –> 00:30:46,370
anytime in your life that have been
challenging or difficult for you.

475
00:30:46,700 –> 00:30:51,945
And they start to give you certain
patterns that you begin to identify.

476
00:30:51,945 –> 00:30:55,485
And once you know that and you
begin learning to love those

477
00:30:55,485 –> 00:31:00,225
aspects of ourselves, then we
can break out of the patterns.

478
00:31:00,975 –> 00:31:04,845
You know, there was a powerful statement
one of our close friends told us,

479
00:31:05,355 –> 00:31:10,005
uh, his name’s Pastor Poncho Murguia,
he’s an extraordinary guy who’s

480
00:31:10,005 –> 00:31:14,300
done, he lives in Juarez, Mexico, and
has really done some extraordinary

481
00:31:14,300 –> 00:31:16,310
things to bring peace to that city.

482
00:31:16,400 –> 00:31:21,020
Like he, he did some initiatives
in a nineteen month period.

483
00:31:21,020 –> 00:31:26,330
The, uh, murder rate went down 70%
in that city, it was extraordinary.

484
00:31:26,870 –> 00:31:32,770
But we were asking him like, What
was the key to the success, you know?

485
00:31:32,770 –> 00:31:37,610
And his success, he prayed and he
was getting, getting nudges from

486
00:31:37,610 –> 00:31:39,200
heaven about what to do and so forth.

487
00:31:39,200 –> 00:31:44,380
But he, he said something that was very
profound, he said, he said, Dean, you

488
00:31:44,380 –> 00:31:48,140
can’t change anything that you can’t love.

489
00:31:48,470 –> 00:31:48,830
That’s right.

490
00:31:49,730 –> 00:31:52,010
If you can’t love it, you
won’t be able to change it.

491
00:31:53,000 –> 00:31:59,030
And he said, What we started to do was
that we started to love the people that

492
00:31:59,030 –> 00:32:01,180
were creating so much havoc in our city.

493
00:32:01,330 –> 00:32:02,630
Not that we agreed with them,

494
00:32:02,780 –> 00:32:02,960
Right.

495
00:32:03,230 –> 00:32:06,230
but we started to love
and pray for the Sicarios.

496
00:32:06,800 –> 00:32:08,780
We started to adopt them as our own.

497
00:32:09,620 –> 00:32:14,420
We started to ex, do, you know, just
do things like that and things started

498
00:32:14,420 –> 00:32:16,760
happening, which were extraordinary.

499
00:32:17,300 –> 00:32:23,390
And I was saying, Well, that applied
to a person trying to help a city, but

500
00:32:23,390 –> 00:32:25,170
it’s the same thing with ourselves.

501
00:32:26,040 –> 00:32:30,840
The things that we can’t learn to love
and embrace in ourselves, not agree with,

502
00:32:31,095 –> 00:32:31,445
Right.

503
00:32:31,820 –> 00:32:32,630
Not empower.

504
00:32:32,660 –> 00:32:38,915
not empower, but if we can love
those aspects of ourselves that

505
00:32:38,915 –> 00:32:44,345
we deem unlovable, it can actually
create a change and a shift.

506
00:32:45,405 –> 00:32:45,645
Yeah.

507
00:32:45,645 –> 00:32:51,814
Love, love the sinner and hate
the sin, I like that a lot.

508
00:32:52,835 –> 00:32:53,254
Right.

509
00:32:53,260 –> 00:32:53,379
Yeah.

510
00:32:53,540 –> 00:32:54,260
I like that a lot.

511
00:32:54,264 –> 00:32:54,695
Yeah.

512
00:32:54,995 –> 00:32:57,034
And that’s for in, in our own self.

513
00:32:57,975 –> 00:32:59,365
Yes, exactly.

514
00:32:59,575 –> 00:33:06,065
And, and that emulates out as we do that
because those people that are encountering

515
00:33:06,065 –> 00:33:14,855
us as we do that mission work, you know,
it, it’s important because they feel it.

516
00:33:15,185 –> 00:33:21,649
They know if you’re there under false
pretenses, they live it every day so

517
00:33:21,889 –> 00:33:24,770
they know when they’re being truly loved.

518
00:33:25,129 –> 00:33:27,320
And I, I think it’s important.

519
00:33:27,919 –> 00:33:35,780
Uh, I wanna go back on, you know, I
have this muddy shoe theory and it’s,

520
00:33:37,205 –> 00:33:45,500
you know, life is like a muddy shoe
going down a muddy path and people,

521
00:33:45,590 –> 00:33:49,054
places, and things, that’s the mud.

522
00:33:49,475 –> 00:33:54,905
Well, if you’ve ever walked on a muddy
trail, you know how heavy that mud gets.

523
00:33:55,385 –> 00:34:02,284
And sometimes we have to find a rock and
just wipe that off so we can carry down

524
00:34:02,284 –> 00:34:05,465
the trail and not tire ourselves out.

525
00:34:06,004 –> 00:34:12,050
And hopefully, we pick up some mud later
down that we’ve already encountered

526
00:34:12,199 –> 00:34:16,279
and we’ve seen that that mud’s made
it down the trail a little further.

527
00:34:16,850 –> 00:34:21,415
The good mud’s gonna be in the crevice of
your shoes, it’s gonna be there with you.

528
00:34:22,159 –> 00:34:24,380
You can’t get it out of the shoe.

529
00:34:25,460 –> 00:34:32,720
So if we remember that people, places, and
things can weigh us down and we have the

530
00:34:32,800 –> 00:34:40,445
power to wipe that mud off and separate
it from us, I think it’s powerful.

531
00:34:40,775 –> 00:34:48,335
And I like that, you know, symbol
of the muddy shoe carrying good

532
00:34:48,335 –> 00:34:50,435
mud and wiping off the bad mud.

533
00:34:52,055 –> 00:34:52,745
I love that.

534
00:34:52,775 –> 00:34:53,495
Yeah, that’s good.

535
00:34:54,755 –> 00:34:55,534
That’s very good.

536
00:34:57,065 –> 00:34:58,115
Yes, thank you.

537
00:34:58,240 –> 00:35:03,215
And, and I, I like to share that out
because it’s, it’s important and it’s a

538
00:35:03,215 –> 00:35:11,120
way that people can actually understand
how devastating, heavy, people,

539
00:35:11,149 –> 00:35:13,670
places, and things can be in our life.

540
00:35:14,000 –> 00:35:18,800
Because that’s what makes us tire
out and wanna do those drugs, or

541
00:35:19,069 –> 00:35:22,130
be bad people and do bad things.

542
00:35:22,130 –> 00:35:26,660
It’s easier that way because we’re
so tired of dealing with it all.

543
00:35:27,680 –> 00:35:28,115
Yeah.

544
00:35:28,115 –> 00:35:32,840
And, Ed, that’s something that we
talk about a lot is, um, is how do

545
00:35:32,840 –> 00:35:34,520
you get the bad mud off your shoe?

546
00:35:34,520 –> 00:35:34,730
Yeah.

547
00:35:35,495 –> 00:35:40,024
And I think there’s two principles
that Jesus actually taught that were

548
00:35:40,805 –> 00:35:45,845
spiritual principles, but have deep
psychological implications, and it’s

549
00:35:45,904 –> 00:35:47,585
how to get the mud off your shoe.

550
00:35:48,335 –> 00:35:53,104
The bad mud is through the two
principles of repentance and forgiveness.

551
00:35:54,349 –> 00:36:00,185
And repentance is often seen as repenting
before God for my behavior, which is a

552
00:36:00,185 –> 00:36:05,675
dimension of it, but repentance also is
to have a heartfelt sorrow for the things

553
00:36:05,675 –> 00:36:07,955
that I have done to you or to others.

554
00:36:09,154 –> 00:36:15,215
To take full responsibility for
that and to, to make a commitment

555
00:36:15,215 –> 00:36:16,564
to learn to do it differently.

556
00:36:18,185 –> 00:36:21,245
And so we, we talked
some about that earlier.

557
00:36:21,755 –> 00:36:24,814
The second principle is forgiveness.

558
00:36:25,564 –> 00:36:31,325
Which is to recognize that I have
been hurt by things that other people

559
00:36:31,325 –> 00:36:36,904
have done, the mud, the bad mud, and
I’m willing to lay that hurt down on

560
00:36:36,904 –> 00:36:39,035
the altar and ask it to be removed.

561
00:36:40,295 –> 00:36:44,675
Now everything has to do with
the condition of our heart.

562
00:36:46,444 –> 00:36:51,790
And, and when I, when in a relationship,
we’ll use that for an example,

563
00:36:53,435 –> 00:36:59,314
uh, if I don’t take responsibility for
my behavior and then I never forgive, I’m

564
00:36:59,314 –> 00:37:05,104
gonna have a very hard heart towards my,
towards my spouse, towards other people.

565
00:37:06,305 –> 00:37:13,654
If I learn to take responsibility for my
part and I learn to forgive, that’s what

566
00:37:13,654 –> 00:37:16,024
softens or gets the mud off of my heart.

567
00:37:17,075 –> 00:37:21,365
Now Jesus said, Repent for the
kingdom of heaven is at hand.

568
00:37:22,475 –> 00:37:23,915
He also said, Forgive.

569
00:37:24,305 –> 00:37:25,805
And He said it over and over again.

570
00:37:27,694 –> 00:37:33,935
What He meant, I believe, is that,
um, that when we don’t repent, well,

571
00:37:33,965 –> 00:37:37,805
when we repent, it ushers in the
presence of heaven into a situation.

572
00:37:39,395 –> 00:37:41,975
It’s all around us,
it’s, it’s, it’s at hand.

573
00:37:42,065 –> 00:37:43,265
But how do you activate it?

574
00:37:43,265 –> 00:37:45,035
You practice these two principles.

575
00:37:46,475 –> 00:37:48,365
The, the opposite is true too.

576
00:37:49,325 –> 00:37:49,805
Is

577
00:37:50,780 –> 00:37:55,970
if you want hell in a situation,
never repent and never forgive and

578
00:37:55,970 –> 00:37:57,590
I promise you’ll have lots of hell.

579
00:37:58,940 –> 00:38:04,580
So in the parable to the sowers, Jesus
said, talking about the Pharisees,

580
00:38:04,580 –> 00:38:08,120
Though they have eyes, they do not
see, they don’t see spiritually.

581
00:38:08,330 –> 00:38:10,550
Though they have ears, they do not hear.

582
00:38:10,730 –> 00:38:11,120
Why?

583
00:38:11,120 –> 00:38:13,550
Because their heart has grown hardened.

584
00:38:15,455 –> 00:38:20,404
That my ability to connect spiritually,
seeing and hearing has nothing to do

585
00:38:20,404 –> 00:38:24,215
with my eyes and ears, but has everything
to do with the condition of my heart.

586
00:38:25,775 –> 00:38:30,755
If I practice these two simple principles
of repentance and forgiveness, then it

587
00:38:30,755 –> 00:38:36,335
opens up my spiritual eyes and opens up
my spiritual ears, and it softens my heart

588
00:38:36,605 –> 00:38:39,335
and it makes me in a position to love.

589
00:38:40,880 –> 00:38:47,060
So I, so when we have couples come in,
that’s who we say, Look, if you adopt

590
00:38:47,060 –> 00:38:51,770
these two principles of repentance
and forgiveness, we can reconcile

591
00:38:51,770 –> 00:38:53,479
anything in your relationship.

592
00:38:56,109 –> 00:39:02,720
And if you choose not to adopt
these principles, we can guarantee

593
00:39:02,720 –> 00:39:05,540
continued hell in your relationship.

594
00:39:05,899 –> 00:39:06,410
Right.

595
00:39:06,769 –> 00:39:08,059
And so it’s really,

596
00:39:08,225 –> 00:39:08,705
I believe that.

597
00:39:09,080 –> 00:39:09,410
Right.

598
00:39:09,410 –> 00:39:10,700
It’s really choices, right?

599
00:39:10,700 –> 00:39:14,650
And you were describing, you were
describing, well, like the mud on

600
00:39:14,650 –> 00:39:18,740
the shoes, that accumulates and it
just hardens our heart and we become

601
00:39:18,740 –> 00:39:24,410
bitter, and we become, uh, angry,
and we play out this bitterness on

602
00:39:24,410 –> 00:39:29,540
everybody that we interact with,
and it just becomes a horrible

603
00:39:29,540 –> 00:39:31,460
place for us and for other people.

604
00:39:32,149 –> 00:39:37,730
And so there’s a formula, you know,
uh, Jesus talked about it like that.

605
00:39:37,790 –> 00:39:41,060
You know, the, the twelve step program
talks about it through the steps.

606
00:39:41,390 –> 00:39:46,250
And the steps are all about, about
repentance, which is step one, taking

607
00:39:46,250 –> 00:39:47,980
responsibility for my behavior.

608
00:39:48,200 –> 00:39:53,029
Step four, practicing forgiveness
and sharing that with another person.

609
00:39:53,029 –> 00:39:59,899
Step five, and Bill Wilson, who
founded AA, understood deeply that at

610
00:39:59,899 –> 00:40:08,149
the root of every unhealthy habit is
unforgiveness and unrepentance and fears.

611
00:40:08,599 –> 00:40:16,130
But those are all connected in a, in a,
in a trilogy that destroys the heart and

612
00:40:16,130 –> 00:40:18,800
needs to be acted out in unhealthy ways.

613
00:40:21,769 –> 00:40:23,390
That, that’s very powerful.

614
00:40:23,720 –> 00:40:30,060
You know, and if, if we learn
to accept what we cannot

615
00:40:30,060 –> 00:40:33,510
change, that, that’s big too.

616
00:40:33,950 –> 00:40:39,290
And, and a lot of stressors in our
life comes from those things that

617
00:40:39,859 –> 00:40:42,080
we really don’t have control over.

618
00:40:42,080 –> 00:40:47,660
And this was one of my wife’s major
things, she, she had a hard time

619
00:40:47,660 –> 00:40:51,500
letting go of things that, well,
you can’t do anything about that.

620
00:40:51,500 –> 00:40:56,105
Let’s work on something that
we can do something about.

621
00:40:56,735 –> 00:41:01,775
And, and once we figure that out,
I’ve been working five years to try

622
00:41:01,775 –> 00:41:09,365
to get Theresa on a podcast and, you
know, just the other week I finally

623
00:41:09,425 –> 00:41:15,785
got her to come on a podcast and
start explaining some of these things.

624
00:41:16,415 –> 00:41:22,385
And I think it’s, it’s important
that we empower our partner

625
00:41:22,895 –> 00:41:25,865
to share their experience.

626
00:41:26,165 –> 00:41:31,955
Because their experience should be
our experience, is that not true?

627
00:41:33,300 –> 00:41:34,985
Yeah, definitely is true.

628
00:41:35,255 –> 00:41:41,225
Is that, you know, as we love one another,
I mean, we want to help them become all

629
00:41:41,225 –> 00:41:44,405
that they’ve intended to be, all that
God wants them to be, their destiny.

630
00:41:44,405 –> 00:41:46,715
We don’t want them to miss
anything ’cause we love them.

631
00:41:46,715 –> 00:41:49,835
Just like with our children, we want
them to get, you know, your child

632
00:41:49,835 –> 00:41:52,625
does something and you’re like,
you know they could do more, right?

633
00:41:52,835 –> 00:41:56,675
So you just keep empowering them
and building them up, you know?

634
00:41:56,675 –> 00:42:00,120
And then they do it and it’s
like, Yes, I knew it, you know?

635
00:42:00,269 –> 00:42:03,720
It was in you, you know,
so yes, most definitely.

636
00:42:03,720 –> 00:42:09,269
I know, like I’ve been sober for forty-two
years, uh, January 10th of 83 I got sober.

637
00:42:09,540 –> 00:42:13,115
And, uh, you know, I’ve
had to work really hard.

638
00:42:13,115 –> 00:42:16,684
I mean, you know, I would, wouldn’t
even hold my head up when I was,

639
00:42:16,684 –> 00:42:18,665
got sober, I had so much shame.

640
00:42:18,995 –> 00:42:23,434
And today, you know, telling my story
and being, you know, doing, you know,

641
00:42:23,434 –> 00:42:29,555
whatever, uh, having no shame, you know,
about where I’ve been, have, you know,

642
00:42:29,644 –> 00:42:34,684
pain about where I’ve been and done, but
in the sense of forgiving myself that if

643
00:42:34,684 –> 00:42:38,345
this could help another person, then I’m
going to share it if it’s appropriate.

644
00:42:40,550 –> 00:42:41,270
And that’s growth.

645
00:42:41,470 –> 00:42:42,880
Yeah, I,

646
00:42:44,900 –> 00:42:46,030
I like that.

647
00:42:46,670 –> 00:42:47,840
Yep, that’s growth.

648
00:42:48,170 –> 00:42:48,830
Exactly.

649
00:42:50,120 –> 00:42:57,920
Let, let’s, uh, segue into some of what
you offer people, because I’ll go on

650
00:42:57,920 –> 00:43:02,810
for hours about these things and not
get some of the important things in.

651
00:43:03,140 –> 00:43:09,875
So let’s talk about, uh, Transform
You, and also your book, and what

652
00:43:09,875 –> 00:43:12,514
you offer people for services.

653
00:43:12,514 –> 00:43:19,385
Because you’ve got quite a few, uh,
things that people can tap into there.

654
00:43:20,465 –> 00:43:20,944
Yeah.

655
00:43:21,484 –> 00:43:25,835
Well, our, our book is called A Roadmap
to the Soul, and it’s all about what

656
00:43:25,835 –> 00:43:31,295
we’re talking about today is, how to
remove the blocks that keep you from

657
00:43:31,295 –> 00:43:33,694
being who you’re destined to become.

658
00:43:34,355 –> 00:43:38,635
And those things are our wounds
and those are our coping behaviors.

659
00:43:39,165 –> 00:43:45,470
And so the Roadmap is actually a journey
to identify and learn to contain our

660
00:43:45,470 –> 00:43:50,810
coping behaviors, to do some healing work
with our wounds, and to really teach our

661
00:43:50,810 –> 00:43:56,154
true self or who we really are, how to
manage those two parts in a way that it

662
00:43:56,154 –> 00:43:58,345
becomes life giving and not life taking.

663
00:43:59,154 –> 00:44:01,675
And so we do that through
a variety of ways.

664
00:44:01,675 –> 00:44:05,035
Our book, A Roadmap to the
Soul, is actually a journey.

665
00:44:05,035 –> 00:44:10,765
It has questions, it’s exercises, it’s
uh, it’ll take a person through a journey.

666
00:44:11,365 –> 00:44:14,904
But sometimes people read that and
say, Look, we want to go much deeper

667
00:44:15,130 –> 00:44:15,685
than that.

668
00:44:16,165 –> 00:44:21,205
And so that’s really where our Transform
You, our online coaching course, it’s a

669
00:44:21,495 –> 00:44:28,745
four month course, and it’s a combination
of, of really some teaching activation

670
00:44:28,745 –> 00:44:31,595
exercises, experiential exercises.

671
00:44:31,895 –> 00:44:36,484
We do two coaching calls a week,
HollyKem and I do those together.

672
00:44:36,845 –> 00:44:41,105
And it’s really a comprehensive
experience from A to Z where a person

673
00:44:41,105 –> 00:44:46,085
goes through a journey and goes
from, uh, one place to a dramatically

674
00:44:46,325 –> 00:44:48,515
different place, um, by the end.

675
00:44:48,515 –> 00:44:49,745
And it’s also for couples.

676
00:44:49,745 –> 00:44:54,845
We’ve had a number of couples that have
done this process together and I’ve

677
00:44:54,845 –> 00:44:57,765
had their relationships transformed.

678
00:44:57,904 –> 00:44:58,265
Right.

679
00:44:58,654 –> 00:45:03,455
So it’s very, very much of a
transformational experience for the brave.

680
00:45:04,225 –> 00:45:09,795
Those that want, wanna do a deep dive and
say, I want more, I want more, and I want

681
00:45:09,795 –> 00:45:12,725
to become who I’m really destined to be.

682
00:45:12,965 –> 00:45:13,325
Yeah.

683
00:45:13,564 –> 00:45:17,285
And I always like to say it’s kind of
like, you know, Shaq being a, he’s a

684
00:45:17,285 –> 00:45:18,995
professional basketball player, right?

685
00:45:18,995 –> 00:45:21,904
And, but his free throws sucked, right?

686
00:45:22,205 –> 00:45:26,795
And nobody thought anything bad about
him because he got a coach to help

687
00:45:26,795 –> 00:45:28,715
him be better at his free throws.

688
00:45:29,180 –> 00:45:34,580
It’s kind of like LeBron James, he wanted
to continue to play basketball past his

689
00:45:34,580 –> 00:45:41,390
thirties and he got a coach to help him
slim down, you know, control his food,

690
00:45:41,390 –> 00:45:46,370
his exercise, and get lean so he can stay,
you know, at the height of his health.

691
00:45:46,640 –> 00:45:48,590
And everybody like cheers him on.

692
00:45:48,680 –> 00:45:50,450
And it’s like, that’s what we do.

693
00:45:50,450 –> 00:45:54,500
We take people that want more out of their
relationships, wants more outta life,

694
00:45:54,765 –> 00:45:58,985
they wanna know how to really,
really love the parts of them, and

695
00:45:59,195 –> 00:46:02,235
why they’re doing the things they’re
doing and, you know, why they’re

696
00:46:02,255 –> 00:46:03,705
thinking the things they think.

697
00:46:03,705 –> 00:46:07,005
And, you know, really
take that and get a coach.

698
00:46:07,095 –> 00:46:12,290
And we, you know, have this whole, you
know, lessons on how to do that and really

699
00:46:12,290 –> 00:46:18,440
become free of who they really are with
love, you know, with true internal love.

700
00:46:18,800 –> 00:46:24,149
And, um, you know, that’s, it’s
the process that I used to become

701
00:46:24,490 –> 00:46:28,330
sober still forty-two years, you
know, married thirty-three years.

702
00:46:28,330 –> 00:46:32,770
You know, I was a convicted felon,
I was, you know, a nightmare, right?

703
00:46:33,010 –> 00:46:37,720
Uh, divorced before and not knowing
how to communicate, not knowing

704
00:46:37,720 –> 00:46:42,130
how to receive love, not knowing
really how to give love, you know,

705
00:46:42,350 –> 00:46:45,390
and it’s allowed me to, you know,

706
00:46:45,460 –> 00:46:46,990
be on this other side.

707
00:46:47,230 –> 00:46:51,550
And then be doing this for thirty
years and then putting it in a process

708
00:46:51,550 –> 00:46:56,560
where we can really, uh, be a part
of the celebration of their life.

709
00:46:56,560 –> 00:47:01,810
And they become, you know, so happy
with themselves, you know, and, and see

710
00:47:01,810 –> 00:47:04,330
the results of connections and love.

711
00:47:04,330 –> 00:47:05,950
So it’s like awesome.

712
00:47:07,520 –> 00:47:13,940
So to go further with you, do, do
you plan on doing like a retreat

713
00:47:13,940 –> 00:47:17,600
for couples and working with
couples in a retreat type thing?

714
00:47:17,630 –> 00:47:27,245
I, I see that a lot from some good couples
and you guys have that, you know, pizazz.

715
00:47:27,245 –> 00:47:31,925
You guys work well together and
I, I think that would really

716
00:47:32,105 –> 00:47:36,875
accommodate well with people
working with you together like this.

717
00:47:37,895 –> 00:47:41,785
We ought to, we ought to do, we
used to do, uh, weekend retreats

718
00:47:41,785 –> 00:47:41,855
Yeah.

719
00:47:42,015 –> 00:47:42,555
for years

720
00:47:43,104 –> 00:47:43,465
Twenty years.

721
00:47:43,465 –> 00:47:45,795
and then we transitioned to online.

722
00:47:46,274 –> 00:47:49,095
But uh, we ought to do a couple a year,

723
00:47:49,154 –> 00:47:49,515
Yeah.

724
00:47:49,540 –> 00:47:49,840
you know?

725
00:47:49,840 –> 00:47:50,080
Yeah.

726
00:47:50,085 –> 00:47:54,575
We, we’re negotiating right now
to possibly go do one out at, uh,

727
00:47:54,605 –> 00:47:58,865
in Los Angeles is a, a place that
wants to bring us out to do one.

728
00:47:58,865 –> 00:47:59,225
So,

729
00:47:59,495 –> 00:47:59,734
Yeah.

730
00:47:59,795 –> 00:48:02,380
I think, uh, I think you’re nudging us to,

731
00:48:02,439 –> 00:48:02,660
Yes.

732
00:48:02,915 –> 00:48:04,415
to continue to pursue that.

733
00:48:04,415 –> 00:48:04,925
But, uh,

734
00:48:04,955 –> 00:48:05,175
There you go.

735
00:48:05,460 –> 00:48:05,740
Yeah.

736
00:48:06,160 –> 00:48:10,774
But our website is, ihaveavoice.com
and that’s the best place to,

737
00:48:11,050 –> 00:48:14,769
to really stay up with us and
to see all of those services is,

738
00:48:14,769 –> 00:48:14,979
Yeah.

739
00:48:14,979 –> 00:48:16,279
ihaveavoice.com.

740
00:48:16,300 –> 00:48:16,689
Yeah.

741
00:48:16,750 –> 00:48:21,399
We have a YouTube channel that has
over 200 videos from thirty seconds

742
00:48:21,399 –> 00:48:26,350
to an hour on all subjects and
Dean’s always putting more on there.

743
00:48:26,350 –> 00:48:30,399
And then we have a, a podcast, a
Transform You, where we do live

744
00:48:30,729 –> 00:48:33,404
coaching, um, on our podcast.

745
00:48:33,404 –> 00:48:37,785
People come on and we coach them for,
you know, anxiety, whatever, you know?

746
00:48:37,785 –> 00:48:40,394
They bring up something and
we coach them live so people

747
00:48:40,394 –> 00:48:41,774
can see what that looks like.

748
00:48:42,224 –> 00:48:46,425
And then our, our book, you can get
our book there that connects to Amazon.

749
00:48:46,425 –> 00:48:47,894
And so, yeah.

750
00:48:47,955 –> 00:48:50,925
And then, you know, we do, we do
speaking, we do all kinds of stuff.

751
00:48:50,925 –> 00:48:54,944
So, but we haven’t, we don’t have
a retreat set up at this point,

752
00:48:54,944 –> 00:48:57,245
but obviously God’s saying, Hey.

753
00:49:00,035 –> 00:49:04,115
That’s the subtle nudge
right there, I like it a lot.

754
00:49:04,505 –> 00:49:04,955
Yeah.

755
00:49:06,095 –> 00:49:07,285
That’s the subtle nudge.

756
00:49:07,354 –> 00:49:09,985
We, we, we, we’re always
listening for them, Ed.

757
00:49:11,255 –> 00:49:12,005
That’s right.

758
00:49:12,005 –> 00:49:17,015
You, you have to, and that’s part of,
you know, being in tune with what’s

759
00:49:17,015 –> 00:49:20,434
happening, not against you, but for you.

760
00:49:20,795 –> 00:49:25,385
And, and really that’s what
I’m learning how to tune into a

761
00:49:25,385 –> 00:49:27,154
little better each and every day.

762
00:49:27,904 –> 00:49:31,444
Is there anything that we’ve
missed that you want to cover?

763
00:49:33,545 –> 00:49:36,934
Well, I would just say that
for all the listeners that

764
00:49:36,934 –> 00:49:39,305
you are worth doing your work.

765
00:49:40,279 –> 00:49:45,019
Because what you find at the end of
the work, which is never ending, but

766
00:49:45,019 –> 00:49:49,849
what you find is that you are good
and that you are lovable, and that

767
00:49:49,849 –> 00:49:57,229
you are loving, and you have so much
still in there that needs to be tapped.

768
00:49:57,590 –> 00:50:01,130
So, you know, you are worth doing
the work, whatever it takes.

769
00:50:01,745 –> 00:50:02,465
Alright.

770
00:50:02,645 –> 00:50:08,255
Well, Dr. Dean and HollyKem, you’re
a very powerful entity out there

771
00:50:08,255 –> 00:50:10,535
doing great things for the world.

772
00:50:10,535 –> 00:50:11,404
I commend you.

773
00:50:11,404 –> 00:50:14,765
And I wanna say thank you for
sharing with us here today.

774
00:50:15,680 –> 00:50:16,279
Well, thank you.

775
00:50:16,279 –> 00:50:16,425
You’re welcome.

776
00:50:16,520 –> 00:50:17,625
Ed, thanks for what you’re doing.

777
00:50:17,625 –> 00:50:18,065
Thank you for having us.

778
00:50:18,285 –> 00:50:18,505
Yes.

779
00:50:19,370 –> 00:50:19,880
Thank you.

780
00:50:23,210 –> 00:50:24,890
Thank you for joining us today.

781
00:50:25,520 –> 00:50:31,730
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,

782
00:50:32,510 –> 00:50:38,930
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another

783
00:50:38,930 –> 00:50:42,319
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.

784
00:50:42,620 –> 00:50:48,170
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.