
Join Ed Watters on the Dead America Podcast for an eye-opening discussion with Paul Bauer, host of the Come On Man Podcast, author, and relationship coach. In this episode, Paul shares his journey from growing up in Colorado, navigating early relationships, serving in the Navy, and learning valuable lessons through marriage and divorce.
Explore key relationship skills that can help men foster stronger connections, including recognizing and handling partner tests, maintaining a dominant masculine presence, and setting healthy boundaries. Paul dives into the impact of social media on modern relationships and the importance of taking proactive steps toward relationship improvement.
Through practical insights and personal experiences, Paul provides actionable advice for enhancing relationship dynamics and building lasting, fulfilling connections. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, this episode delivers crucial strategies for navigating the complexities of love and commitment.
00:00 Understanding Validation Seeking Behavior
00:54 Introducing Paul Bauer
01:32 Paul’s Early Life and Relationships
02:10 Marriage and Military Life
04:34 Struggles and Divorce
06:38 Re-entering the Dating World
09:42 Self-Improvement and Podcasting
13:28 Relationship Dynamics and Coaching
20:04 The Science of Attraction
26:44 Recognizing and Handling Women’s Tests
28:56 The Impact of Social Media on Relationships
37:58 Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
47:58 Final Thoughts and Call to Action
#relationships
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Doing that a lot is validation seeking
behavior and, uh, it’s not masculine
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to be constantly seeking validation.
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Like, it, it’s actually, that’s more of
a, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
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for validation and attention all the time.
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And so if you’re that guy, women start
looking at that going, I don’t know why,
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but it, it’s unattractive is because
it, it goes against the nature, right?
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Today, we are speaking with Paul Bauer.
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Paul Bauer is the host
of Come On Man podcast.
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He’s also an author of three books
and he’s a relationship coach.
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Paul, could you please introduce
yourself and let people know just
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a little more about you please?
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Yeah.
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Ed, thank you for having
me on your show today.
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I really appreciate it.
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Uh, yeah.
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A lot of people, when I go on other
people’s shows, they want to hear, they
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want to hear the Batman origin story.
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Like, who is this guy?
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Why should I care what he has to say?
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I, I get it.
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Um, well, a little bit about me.
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I grew up in, uh, rural Colorado
on the eastern slope in the
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foothills outside of Denver.
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I was always pretty good with women,
you know, I would say like when I was
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in high school, I always had dates.
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Uh, you know, lost my
virginity at, at sixteen.
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But I was always the kind of guy that
had what we call a sniper mentality,
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which means the first girl that’s
nice to you, you go all in on her.
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You’re immediately
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monogamous with her, and you’re like,
Okay, I’m gonna pursue this girl
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and this is, this, she’s the one for
me, she’s my soulmate, or whatever.
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And so I had a lot of
soulmates, um, early on there.
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And, uh, ended up being, I, I
ended up leaving for the US Navy.
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I’m a, I’m a former sailor and I left
for the Navy when I was eighteen.
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And two years into my enlistment, I went
home on leave and I met my now ex-wife.
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And it was the same thing, I met her,
uh, through some mutual friends and I
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spent that whole week with her when I
was on leave, just getting to know her.
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And ended up going back to my ship
which was in San Diego, she was
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here in Colorado, and we had this
long distance relationship for
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almost a year before I convinced her
to move out to San Diego with me.
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And so she moved out to San Diego and
we only really knew each other in person
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for about three months before we ended
up eloping, which is a big mistake.
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But when you’re young and, and you’re,
you’re in love and you’re rushing for
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that white picket fence, you know,
that’s, uh, that tends to happen, right?
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Well, the problem with, you know, not
knowing someone much longer than that
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is you overlook red flags, you never
really get to see who they truly are.
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Because in most relationships,
there’s a six month to a year
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honeymoon phase where everyone’s
on their best behavior, you know?
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Well, but we rushed into that
because I was getting ready to
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go on a couple of deployments.
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A three month training deployment, uh, out
in Hawaii, and then come back for a month,
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and then I was gonna be gone for
six months on a real deployment
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out in the Middle East.
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And so I wanted to make sure that
she was taken care of because
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that’s your job as a man, right?
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You have to protect and provide and I
wanted to make sure that she was okay.
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And so she had insurance and, you know,
if I, if something happened to me,
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she would get my my life insurance.
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Because by God, I was in love,
Ed, and I wanted to make sure
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she was taken care of, right?
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Well, we get married and luckily we
did get along very well, at least
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in the beginning, and we ended up
being married for fourteen years.
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And that first, the first seven
years were actually pretty good
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and we had, uh, we ended up having
two wonderful children out of it.
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My, my daughter’s now twenty,
she’s off in college now.
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And my son, he’s turning
sixteen at the end of the month.
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He’s, he’s, uh, a sophomore in
high school and he’s getting
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ready to get his driver’s license.
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Great kids.
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But man, after that seven year mark, uh,
things started really going downhill.
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And man, I just, I, I, we got
to a place in the relationship
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where I would work like seventeen
hour days just to avoid her.
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I, because I knew, Ed, that when I got
home, I was gonna get an earful about how
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I wasn’t doing things good enough, and
everything was wrong, and that she had a
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million, you know, honeydo chores for me.
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And, and I was just like,
I’m not dealing with this.
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I, I’m going to, I’m
just gonna focus on work.
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So I’d work late hours,
come home, go to bed.
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There was nights where I, I didn’t like
her so much that instead of, I didn’t
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even wanna sleep in the same room as her.
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I would go out to my garage, I would
grab a cot, I’d go sleep in my office.
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I was like, I, I don’t even wanna
be, be around you, you know?
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But I was also the kind of guy who
was raised that, you know, vows
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are, vows mean something, you know?
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so I was never gonna divorce her, I
was never gonna give up, I was just
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resolved to be miserable in this
relationship until the end of life.
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Because that’s how my dad does it, right?
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My dad’s, my dad and my mom are still
together, they’re, they’re coming up
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on their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
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They hate each other.
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They, they’re together at this point
just to spite each other, you know?
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And, um, my grand, my, my, both sets
of grandparents never got divorced.
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So I was like, This is just how life is.
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I, I developed this paradigm that,
yeah, you, you’re happy in the
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beginning, you have a couple kids
and then you’re supposed to be
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miserable, a miserable workhorse
for the rest of your life, you know?
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And bless her heart, you know, after
fourteen years, she, she had enough of it.
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And she, her, her, she wasn’t raised the
same way, her, her mom and dad split, you
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know, when she was, uh, you know, young.
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And so she didn’t have the same qualms
about going and filing for divorce, and,
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uh, she ended up filing for divorce.
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And, and honestly, for me, it was a big
weight lifted off my chest because I, you
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know, she had the, the guts to go do it.
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But then I found myself fifty pounds
overweight, back on the dating
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circuit, uh, in my mid thirties,
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you know, it’s a, it was, it’s a
totally different world out here now.
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Because when I, when she and
I met, there were no dating
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apps, there was no social media.
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You know, we actually had to go out
when we were in high school and, and
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get in the car with a bunch of our
boys and go hollering at girls who were
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also in cars hollering at guys, right?
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So, or go down to the mall or
to the skating rink or whatever.
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And, uh, now it’s, it’s a
totally different world.
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And, uh, I just floundered, man.
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I,I floundered on the dating
circuit, this was in 2014.
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Floundered on the dating circuit for
almost a whole year, about, about eleven
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months before I found, uh, another gal who
sort of, I, I call her a chubby chaser.
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She sort of took pity on me, gorgeous
gal. But she really liked me, and
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I, and I, same patterns emerged,
I was like, Oh, I’m going all in.
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I like this girl, first
girl that’s nice to me.
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I’m going all in.
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Ended up in this relationship
that I probably shouldn’t have
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been in for four and a half years.
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And the problem with that is
immediately the, the same things
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that caused the attraction to erode
in my marriage, I, I started being
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that guy in this relationship.
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I immediately started going into
husband mode where I thought I
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reached this imaginary finish line
and I didn’t have to try anymore.
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And, for her, she checked out much faster.
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She checked out mentally about
two years into that relationship.
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And what, what a guy, a lot of guys
don’t realize is when a woman mentally
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checks out from a relationship,
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um, they can do that up to two years
before filing for divorce, before
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breaking up with you, whatever.
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And what they tend to do in that time
is they start socking money away, they
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start lining up male orbiters, they start
making a, a, basically an exit strategy.
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And sometimes it takes, takes a while.
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And so for her, it, she was
doing that pretty much the last
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two years of the relationship.
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And right near the end, uh, she started
acting so bad that I, I finally was
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like, I can’t deal with this anymore
and I ended up breaking up with her.
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And I came to find out, uh, a while
later that she was actually cheating
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on me at the end of that relationship,
Um, which was, you know, a, a, a big
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sort of eye-opening moment for me.
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00:09:05,170 –> 00:09:11,745
But that time, back on the dating
circuit, this was in 2019, I
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had a much easier time, Ed.
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I had a, because I had lost all the
weight, I, I, I had lost, while I was
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in that relationship, I got back into
fitness, I, I lost all the fifty pounds,
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I was actually in really good shape.
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So I was able to get dates
really easy this time.
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Uh, but I couldn’t keep women around
more than like two or three dates.
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And I was like, What
am I doing wrong here?
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Like, the two biggest
relationships in my life failed.
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I can’t keep women around longer than
two or three dates before they ghost me.
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Like, I’m clearly the problem.
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I’m clearly the common denominator here.
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And one of the, the biggest blessings
of that relationship, that second
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relationship, the four and a half
year one, I I, I referred to her
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as Red Pill Chick, is that she was
really big into self-help books
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and audio books and she was always
listening to this kind of stuff.
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and I go, Man, I bet you there’s
some books out there, some audio
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00:10:01,814 –> 00:10:05,760
books, I could, I could study to
figure out what I’m doing wrong.
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And so I took a deep dive in intersexual
dynamics, I took a deep dive into the
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psychology of attraction, understanding
where women were coming from and stuff.
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And so through that process and applying
that in the dating world, I ended up in a
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men’s group on Facebook called The 3% Man
Group, where we were all studying a book
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called How to Be A 3% Man by Corey Wayne.
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And out of that group, I, I created
my podcast, the Come On Man podcast.
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And it initially started as me
interviewing other guys in the
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group who were trying to level
up and get better with women.
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And the funny thing that we all realized,
the guys that actually put the work
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in, is that when you level up to get
better with women, it tends to make you
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better men in all areas of your life.
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It’s almost like women
make us better, you know?
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Just the, the qualities that women
find attractive make you better in
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business, it makes you better in your
social life, it just, it’s, it’s kind
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of an interesting, uh, phenomenon.
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It’s like men and women really are meant
to compliment each other in that way.
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And so, uh, so anyway, I started
the podcast and from the podcast it
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started getting bigger, I started
interviewing more guys in the space.
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And, uh, from there I ended up,
uh, getting invited on a, a panel
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show on Saturdays with some of
the more prominent guys in, in
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what we call the red pill space.
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I don’t know if you’re familiar with Red
Pill, but, um, I got invited on a panel
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show by a guy named Rollo Tomassi who
wrote, uh, a really phenomenal book series
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called The Rational Male book series.
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And, uh, went under the learning
tree of all the guys in that group
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’cause they’re all very seasoned,
you know, mentors in the space.
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Guys that are, that coach men,
psychologists, and stuff like that.
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And, uh, ended up starting
coaching men myself.
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And so I’ve been doing that
for the last several years now.
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Um, I’m in a wonderful relationship
now that’s going on five years and it’s
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00:12:00,040 –> 00:12:04,750
effortless just because of everything
that I’ve learned and, uh, I apply
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it every day in my relationship.
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Like we’ve been together, We’ve
been get, like I said, going on five
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00:12:09,730 –> 00:12:13,510
years now we’ve never once had a real
argument, not a, not a serious argument.
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Which when I talk to people about that,
they’re like, That, How is that possible?
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And I’m like, It’s possible.
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It’s possible when you learn, you
know, relationship skills, you know?
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And a lot of us have never been
taught relationship skills.
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It’s, it’s actually a, a, a thing that,
you know, we, we tend to learn from our
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parents, you know, from our upbringing.
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We see how mom and dad
interact with each other.
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We never actually really get sit
down and study, you know, how,
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how, how to properly communicate.
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00:12:43,515 –> 00:12:45,975
Because men and women communicate
differently so there’s, there’s
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a, there’s some tricks there.
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So, um, anyway, after learning all
that stuff, um, now I help men.
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And, and one of the things that
really motivated me, it was something
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that clicked with me last year
was, uh, a lot of guys find their
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way into the space because they’re
in a position I was years ago.
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Where they’re married, they,
they’ll, they’ll never give up,
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um, but their relationship is
not where they want it to be.
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A lot of guys are in a dead bedroom
situation and a lot of guys find
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their way to the space because they’re
trying to find out how do I get my
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00:13:17,775 –> 00:13:20,145
wife to have sex with me again, right?
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00:13:20,145 –> 00:13:23,925
Like, my wife hasn’t had sex with me in
months, or if she does, she’s not into it.
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How do I get her, like this, right?
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It’s all about changing her.
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And, uh, and so a lot of guys find
their way to the space and they
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realize it’s not her, it’s you and
how you show up in the relationship
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and how you lead that relationship.
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And so, uh, so I decided I’m gonna
help men in that situation never have
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to go through what I went through.
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00:13:44,250 –> 00:13:47,130
Paul, very interesting story going on.
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Uh, I wanna start with, thank you for
serving our country, it’s top in my life.
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I, I really appreciate people
that take the time to do that.
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The Come On Man podcast basically
is, is to help yourself grow
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as you help others grow.
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Is that correct?
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That’s, that’s really what it started
out as, uh, and I’ll tell you why.
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Because a lot of people, a lot of
people, what I found in the space
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is they’ll study this stuff, right?
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They’ll read the books just long
enough to get, you know, get into
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their next relationship, right?
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00:14:31,225 –> 00:14:35,820
Or, or just long enough in to, in order
to get their wife to act a certain
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way, then they’ll stop and then they
will fall back on old programming.
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00:14:40,995 –> 00:14:44,954
Because a lot of people don’t realize
this is that, uh, we are, our, our
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actions and our results in life come
from our paradigm, our subconscious mind.
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00:14:50,025 –> 00:14:54,944
And so we have this paradigm of how
relationships should be that, and that’s
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00:14:54,944 –> 00:14:57,194
been programmed in us all, all our lives.
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And you can’t undo twenty, thirty,
forty years of programming after
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00:15:01,665 –> 00:15:04,344
reading a book once, you know?
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00:15:04,915 –> 00:15:10,829
And so, so one of the things that,
uh, I realized is that I have to
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00:15:10,949 –> 00:15:12,780
constantly study this material.
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00:15:12,839 –> 00:15:17,819
And one of the things that forces
me to have to keep this stuff on the
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00:15:17,819 –> 00:15:22,890
forefront so I’m, it, I never fall
back into complacency, is the podcast.
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The podcast forces me to keep
studying this stuff so it’s always
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on the forefront of my mind.
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I always have to come up with new episodes
and so, yeah, it, it, it really started
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out as a way for me to keep this on the
forefront of my mind, and then it just
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blew up as a way to help other men.
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And then I’ve, I’ve just found that
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helping other men is just
extremely rewarding and it’s
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become a mission of mine in life.
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And, and every man needs a, a mission
or a purpose in life, or else he’s
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gonna fall stagnant, uh, you know, he’s
gonna get, just let life happen to him.
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That actually ends up being,
making you really unattractive.
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Women really like a guy that has a
mission, a purpose, a, a sense of, of
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ambition and drive, and something that
makes them want to get up in the morning.
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That’s attractive to women and
a lot of guys aren’t like that.
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00:16:13,255 –> 00:16:18,079
They just, you know, they get to a place,
I got a job now, I, you know, I, I, I work
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00:16:18,079 –> 00:16:22,340
nine to five, I come home, I crack open a
couple of beers, I try to get my wife to
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sleep with me, she rejects me, whatever.
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I go to sleep, wake up, rinse, wash,
repeat, they, that’s their lives.
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It’s extremely boring.
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Women hate that, and that’s
why women start nagging.
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You know, when a woman’s
nagging you, that’s a sign.
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That’s a sign.
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It’s not, she’s not trying
to be mean, she’s trying to
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snap you out of complacency.
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I, I have been with my wife forty-two
years, married forty years, and
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I’ve been the rollercoaster,
up and down, up and down.
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And really until I hit fifty years old, I
had no clue of what the heck I was doing.
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And you know, my wife got fed up with
it several times and I had no clue.
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And until I really was put on a spot and
I found myself broken, then I started to
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really understand, Well, maybe this is me,
like you stated in your, uh, run up here.
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That, that’s really where it
starts, finding that awareness and
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understanding maybe, uh, you’re not
the same person that your wife met.
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And through getting complacent with life,
maybe you’ve slacked here and there.
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Figuring that out is hard.
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00:17:56,370 –> 00:18:00,960
And then also, you know,
communication, like you said,
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different worlds, men and women,
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big time.
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00:18:05,295 –> 00:18:09,345
Uh, we’re different creatures and we
think different, we act different,
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our emotions come out different.
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This is hard, especially
if you’re a young man.
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And you know, I, it was one of
the hardest things in my life when
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I had to tell my wife, Fuck off.
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You know, this isn’t
the way it’s going to be.
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00:18:28,575 –> 00:18:37,095
And when I was able to do that in
a loving way, that’s when my life
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started getting better, you know?
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And, and this, uh, what,
what do you call it?
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Uh, betaization , it, it
really is a thing, you know?
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And you’ve got to be on top
of who you are, what you are,
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and why you’re that person.
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What is your goal in life?
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Having a goal.
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If, if you don’t, stagnation, it slides
in quick and that’s not attractive.
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It, it gets redundant, boring,
and it causes conflict.
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00:19:16,740 –> 00:19:22,620
So understanding who your partner is
is very important, and that means being
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blunt, getting straight to the point
as quick as possible, and that, that
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way you know who you’re dealing with.
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00:19:32,550 –> 00:19:38,070
Because sometimes, like you stated, it
takes years to understand who you’re with.
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00:19:38,670 –> 00:19:42,150
And that’s part of that
complacency, isn’t it?
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It is.
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Um, and I like how you said it’s really
hard, it’s really hard for a young man.
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Um, my, my first book is
called, Everything I Wish
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I Knew When I was Eighteen.
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Because after I learned all this stuff,
it was just like a slap in the face.
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00:19:59,909 –> 00:20:00,810
Like why?
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00:20:01,149 –> 00:20:01,450
What?
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00:20:01,470 –> 00:20:04,560
I wish someone would’ve told me
this coming out of high school.
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That there’s a, there’s a, it’s almost
a science, you know, it really is.
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00:20:09,480 –> 00:20:11,670
A lot of, uh, so I come
out of the Red Pill space.
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00:20:11,700 –> 00:20:17,760
Red pill started, uh, as guys swapping
notes in pickup forums, right?
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00:20:17,760 –> 00:20:19,790
How to get women to sleep
with them quick, right?
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00:20:19,790 –> 00:20:23,445
Like it, and what these guys found
was there was all these tricks
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00:20:23,445 –> 00:20:25,365
that tended to work really well.
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00:20:25,365 –> 00:20:30,435
And so then these other guys came in
with evolutionary psychology to try
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00:20:30,435 –> 00:20:34,875
to explain, okay, well, we know this
works, we know women respond to this.
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00:20:35,265 –> 00:20:36,555
Why, right?
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00:20:36,555 –> 00:20:40,065
And so they came in with evolutionary
psychology to try to explain it.
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So it really is a science and it,
and one of the things that I found
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is that it, a lot of people think
that love is this thing that just
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sort of magically sort of happens.
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00:20:50,205 –> 00:20:51,495
It works like clockwork.
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00:20:51,555 –> 00:20:56,505
If you, if you apply it, um, like
in the dating process, right?
329
00:20:56,505 –> 00:21:02,445
You apply it in a strategic way,
men can actually, you can watch
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00:21:02,445 –> 00:21:04,125
guys progress through this.
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00:21:04,155 –> 00:21:06,135
Uh, every guy that I’ve
ever watched study this,
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00:21:06,135 –> 00:21:07,275
it’s like clockwork, right?
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00:21:07,275 –> 00:21:13,410
So one of the things that we found
is that if you, in the beginning, you
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00:21:13,410 –> 00:21:15,480
don’t push for a relationship, right?
335
00:21:15,480 –> 00:21:19,410
You be the one that, uh, you only
see her once a week, you don’t
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00:21:19,410 –> 00:21:20,940
try to occupy all of her time.
337
00:21:20,940 –> 00:21:24,490
That’s what a lot of guys do, they find a
girl that’s nice, they try to see her ten
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00:21:24,510 –> 00:21:26,850
times a week, like the first week, right?
339
00:21:27,000 –> 00:21:30,930
Well, you don’t do that you act
like, you know, you’re busy and
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00:21:30,930 –> 00:21:32,730
you try to be really busy, right?
341
00:21:32,730 –> 00:21:34,110
Be a man of, of purpose.
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00:21:34,110 –> 00:21:39,150
You, you go out there, you only see her
once a week, you wait a couple of days to
343
00:21:39,150 –> 00:21:43,760
let her wonder about you, you know, you
don’t text her all day long your play by
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00:21:43,760 –> 00:21:45,560
play, like, I just ate a ham sandwich.
345
00:21:45,560 –> 00:21:46,550
Like she doesn’t care.
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00:21:46,910 –> 00:21:51,920
So you be a mystery and you’ll find
that women will start chasing you.
347
00:21:52,040 –> 00:21:55,280
Like if they really like you and they’re
like, they’re trying to figure you out,
348
00:21:55,280 –> 00:21:58,880
they’re, that actually draws them in
and makes them more attracted to you.
349
00:21:59,180 –> 00:22:04,035
So you only see ’em once a week for
the first couple weeks until she
350
00:22:04,035 –> 00:22:05,805
really wants to start seeing you a lot.
351
00:22:05,805 –> 00:22:07,995
Then she’s going to reach out to you more.
352
00:22:08,235 –> 00:22:09,555
Hey, I was just thinking about you.
353
00:22:09,555 –> 00:22:11,535
Hey, I just saw this meme
that made me think of you.
354
00:22:11,535 –> 00:22:13,185
Whatever, that’s women chasing you.
355
00:22:13,185 –> 00:22:17,804
It’s funny ’cause women are very
subtle, they don’t openly ask men out.
356
00:22:17,865 –> 00:22:21,615
They don’t openly pursue men
’cause that’s not in their nature.
357
00:22:21,615 –> 00:22:22,514
They’re very passive.
358
00:22:22,514 –> 00:22:25,844
So the way women will chase you is
they just sort of put themselves
359
00:22:25,844 –> 00:22:30,044
in their, in your orbit and
hope you ask them out, right?
360
00:22:30,375 –> 00:22:34,004
And so you just gotta recognize this as
a guy and, and when, and when you realize
361
00:22:34,004 –> 00:22:36,945
that that’s what’s happening, you say, Oh
hey, when are you free to get together?
362
00:22:36,945 –> 00:22:38,175
And you meet up with her.
363
00:22:38,715 –> 00:22:43,034
By the seventh or eighth date,
on average, women are usually in
364
00:22:43,034 –> 00:22:45,405
love and pushing for exclusivity.
365
00:22:46,080 –> 00:22:49,380
By the seventh or eighth date it, and
it’s like clockwork, just like I said,
366
00:22:49,380 –> 00:22:51,840
it’s, it’s a, a, a fascinating thing.
367
00:22:51,840 –> 00:22:55,890
You’ll find that, uh, in the modern
era, women will sleep with you by the,
368
00:22:55,890 –> 00:22:57,630
the second or third date on average.
369
00:22:57,780 –> 00:23:00,480
So it’s like you don’t have
to be constantly trying to
370
00:23:01,050 –> 00:23:02,190
seduce her all the time.
371
00:23:02,190 –> 00:23:05,340
You, you know, if she likes you, she’s
gonna be pushing for that sort of thing.
372
00:23:05,610 –> 00:23:07,110
It’s very fascinating.
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00:23:07,170 –> 00:23:10,770
And so what you’ll find is it works
the same way in relationships.
374
00:23:11,040 –> 00:23:13,110
And you mentioned the
betaization process.
375
00:23:13,850 –> 00:23:18,720
The betaization process is, uh, I,
I have an, a free ebook for guys out
376
00:23:18,720 –> 00:23:23,340
there, uh, if they go to my website,
fixdeadbedrooms.com, they can get it.
377
00:23:23,580 –> 00:23:27,480
It’s, it, it’s the, the eBook’s
called She’s Made You Weak.
378
00:23:27,750 –> 00:23:31,440
And this is why attraction tends
to erode over time, most men
379
00:23:31,440 –> 00:23:32,700
don’t even know what’s happening.
380
00:23:33,270 –> 00:23:39,420
But it’s a part of a woman’s evolutionary
wiring to where they will test you.
381
00:23:39,794 –> 00:23:44,354
We call these shit tests, or
frame checks, or fitness tests.
382
00:23:44,354 –> 00:23:46,334
Like there’s lots of different
words for it, it’s the same thing.
383
00:23:46,334 –> 00:23:50,024
But women will subtly, they don’t even
know they’re doing it half the time,
384
00:23:50,024 –> 00:23:51,524
it’s a very subconscious thing.
385
00:23:51,524 –> 00:23:56,175
But they will test you to see if they
can push your buttons, if they can
386
00:23:56,175 –> 00:24:01,650
get you mad, if they can make you
change your plans, uh, if they can
387
00:24:01,740 –> 00:24:04,080
manipulate you in a, any certain way.
388
00:24:04,290 –> 00:24:09,570
And if you fail these tests, she
starts losing respect for you.
389
00:24:10,350 –> 00:24:12,480
And a woman can’t love a
man she doesn’t respect.
390
00:24:13,020 –> 00:24:18,300
And then, uh, the next part
of the process is, uh, try to
391
00:24:18,300 –> 00:24:19,470
get you to be more vulnerable.
392
00:24:19,470 –> 00:24:21,090
Like, I need you to open up to me.
393
00:24:21,090 –> 00:24:24,900
Like, tell me, tell me all your, your,
your, your deepest, darkest secrets.
394
00:24:24,900 –> 00:24:29,250
And then what a lot of women
will do is, uh, if, if there’s
395
00:24:29,940 –> 00:24:33,990
continuing to lose respect for
you, they use that against you.
396
00:24:34,290 –> 00:24:36,750
It’s really a dirty tactic, right?
397
00:24:37,440 –> 00:24:39,615
So, it’s bad.
398
00:24:39,615 –> 00:24:39,885
Yeah.
399
00:24:39,885 –> 00:24:44,415
And then one of the things that they do,
which isn’t a bad thing, is they try to,
400
00:24:44,475 –> 00:24:48,225
um, they try to put you to work, right?
401
00:24:48,225 –> 00:24:51,705
So they, this is where a woman will
get behind you and motivate you to
402
00:24:51,705 –> 00:24:56,325
get a better job, to go for that
next promotion, basically to put
403
00:24:56,325 –> 00:25:00,645
you to work so that you’re providing
for her and the children, right?
404
00:25:00,645 –> 00:25:04,980
And that’s not a bad thing ’cause
you’ll find that, oh, a good woman will
405
00:25:05,040 –> 00:25:07,350
push you to move to the next level.
406
00:25:07,350 –> 00:25:09,450
Men are inherently lazy, you know?
407
00:25:09,450 –> 00:25:12,149
And that comes from our
evolutionary wiring too.
408
00:25:12,149 –> 00:25:17,490
Because, uh, our ancestors were rewarded
for laziness, conserving calories, not
409
00:25:17,490 –> 00:25:19,740
spending all day chasing lions and stuff,
410
00:25:19,740 –> 00:25:20,040
right?
411
00:25:20,040 –> 00:25:23,435
Like it, the, the, the people that just,
you know, gathered what they needed
412
00:25:23,435 –> 00:25:26,135
and just like hunkered down, survived.
413
00:25:26,225 –> 00:25:30,095
And so we’re sort of wired to
be more lazy, but, and women are
414
00:25:30,095 –> 00:25:32,165
more wired to push us, right?
415
00:25:32,165 –> 00:25:33,455
And so that’s not a bad thing.
416
00:25:34,475 –> 00:25:38,195
But what will happen is guys will
go too hard on the provider side
417
00:25:38,195 –> 00:25:42,095
stuff and they will be workhorses.
418
00:25:42,095 –> 00:25:45,515
They will, that they will go all in on
their work, they’ll make sure that they’re
419
00:25:45,515 –> 00:25:48,695
bringing home the bacon, they’re taking
care of their children, being good dads.
420
00:25:50,430 –> 00:25:53,220
Women don’t necessarily find
that attractive, though.
421
00:25:53,220 –> 00:25:54,990
They don’t find that sexually attractive.
422
00:25:55,080 –> 00:26:00,090
And so what they’ll find is that, um,
they, they’re not, they’re no longer
423
00:26:00,149 –> 00:26:02,220
responding sexually to you anymore.
424
00:26:02,820 –> 00:26:06,330
And then now they’re, they’re not
getting their sexual needs met, but
425
00:26:06,330 –> 00:26:09,840
they’re sexual beings too, that, but
they don’t find you sexually attractive
426
00:26:09,840 –> 00:26:13,740
anymore ’cause now you’re this
beta, you know, provider workhorse.
427
00:26:15,015 –> 00:26:18,135
That’s where their evolutionary
selfishness starts taking in.
428
00:26:18,135 –> 00:26:21,105
They start nitpicking at things you do,
you’re not doing things good enough,
429
00:26:21,105 –> 00:26:24,405
they keep making you work and work and
work until they, but they’re, they’re
430
00:26:24,405 –> 00:26:28,365
trying now to find a guy that’s more
sexually attractive and that’s where their
431
00:26:28,365 –> 00:26:30,915
evolutionary, um, selfishness takes in.
432
00:26:30,915 –> 00:26:35,670
And they tend to, uh, give you the, I love
you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.
433
00:26:36,500 –> 00:26:39,540
And then they’re, they’re either cheating
on you or filing for divorce, right?
434
00:26:39,540 –> 00:26:42,900
It’s a, it’s an erosion over
time that’s subconscious, they
435
00:26:42,900 –> 00:26:44,040
don’t even know they’re doing it.
436
00:26:44,040 –> 00:26:47,280
And if you’re, as a man, don’t
realize it’s happening to you, you
437
00:26:47,280 –> 00:26:48,780
don’t know how to defend against it.
438
00:26:48,780 –> 00:26:52,050
I kind of jokingly call it defending
against the dark arts, you know?
439
00:26:52,620 –> 00:26:55,530
But it all starts with
the the, the testing process.
440
00:26:55,590 –> 00:26:59,160
So one of the things that I
teach men when I coach them is
441
00:26:59,160 –> 00:27:02,560
how to recognize a woman’s test.
442
00:27:02,620 –> 00:27:06,310
Like things that they’ll, they’ll
say, things that they’ll do, and,
443
00:27:06,310 –> 00:27:09,710
uh, like a good rule of thumb is to
assume everything she says or does is
444
00:27:09,710 –> 00:27:12,900
a test and act accordingly, you know?
445
00:27:13,110 –> 00:27:15,540
And there’s different ways that
you can handle women’s tests.
446
00:27:15,600 –> 00:27:20,670
Uh, like two of the biggest ones is,
uh, what we call agree and amplify.
447
00:27:20,700 –> 00:27:22,230
And the other one is acting different.
448
00:27:22,650 –> 00:27:27,030
And a lot of it, the testing, like I said
before, is about seeing if she can throw
449
00:27:27,030 –> 00:27:30,900
you off center, seeing if, if, uh, she
can get you up in your emotions, right?
450
00:27:30,930 –> 00:27:33,720
Like, see if she can push your buttons
enough that you’re, you yell at her.
451
00:27:34,814 –> 00:27:37,875
But another thing is, uh, seeing
if she can manipulate you,
452
00:27:37,905 –> 00:27:39,645
get you to change your plans.
453
00:27:39,705 –> 00:27:44,085
And so that’s where being able
to tell a woman, No, no, we’re
454
00:27:44,085 –> 00:27:45,824
doing things my way, right?
455
00:27:46,155 –> 00:27:49,544
She, she might get mad and throw
a fit and a lot of guys like will
456
00:27:49,544 –> 00:27:52,574
do anything to avoid any kind
of tension in the relationship.
457
00:27:52,605 –> 00:27:56,715
But you gotta understand that that
tension, that tension’s required
458
00:27:56,805 –> 00:27:58,125
for her to be attracted to you.
459
00:27:58,125 –> 00:28:01,155
So you don’t, you embrace it
and be able to tell her, No.
460
00:28:01,155 –> 00:28:05,115
Let her have her fit, don’t, don’t
climb on her emotional rollercoaster.
461
00:28:05,115 –> 00:28:08,425
And you’ll find thirty minutes later
she’s crawling into your lap, you know?
462
00:28:09,335 –> 00:28:14,054
So, um, but a lot of that is just
her testing your strength, right?
463
00:28:14,054 –> 00:28:15,075
Is he a good leader?
464
00:28:15,075 –> 00:28:20,145
Is he, is, is he going to set the tone
and, and, and lead this relationship
465
00:28:20,145 –> 00:28:22,695
and let me relax into my feminine?
466
00:28:22,754 –> 00:28:27,375
But most guys let their wives get in
the driver’s seat then they, you know,
467
00:28:27,375 –> 00:28:30,165
I, I saw a joke the other day where
a guy goes, I could never cheat on my
468
00:28:30,165 –> 00:28:34,034
wife because she would have to plan
it and then remind me about it, right?
469
00:28:34,845 –> 00:28:38,535
That’s, uh, that’s a woman being in charge
of the relationship, being the one that
470
00:28:38,535 –> 00:28:43,245
sets the tone and leads, and that puts
her in her masculine energy, which isn’t
471
00:28:43,245 –> 00:28:47,155
natural to her, which makes her resent you
for it, which causes attraction to erode.
472
00:28:47,175 –> 00:28:49,575
So it’s like you can’t do that,
you have to be the leader.
473
00:28:49,575 –> 00:28:52,925
You have to be the one that sets the
tone and leads that relationship.
474
00:28:54,525 –> 00:28:54,865
Yeah.
475
00:28:54,930 –> 00:28:56,340
I, I believe that a lot.
476
00:28:56,700 –> 00:29:01,410
Uh, I, I really think there’s a lot
of this unnatural behavior going
477
00:29:01,410 –> 00:29:08,040
on, and it’s frustrating because,
you know, the mainstream media is
478
00:29:08,040 –> 00:29:15,465
telling all these young people one
thing, and yet, it’s totally opposite
479
00:29:15,465 –> 00:29:18,375
of the reality of the situation.
480
00:29:18,675 –> 00:29:25,395
We are biological creatures and we
have these certain urges, desires,
481
00:29:25,695 –> 00:29:28,935
and, and that’s generalizing.
482
00:29:29,385 –> 00:29:30,615
You know, there’s these
483
00:29:32,925 –> 00:29:39,585
offshoots, but generally
everybody is like everybody else.
484
00:29:40,005 –> 00:29:44,835
And that’s kind of the
thing that makes us a tribe.
485
00:29:45,765 –> 00:29:53,985
So we, we really have to dig into that
and understand that simplicity is, just
486
00:29:53,985 –> 00:29:58,305
what you said, very simple to survive.
487
00:29:58,635 –> 00:30:07,815
And if you can get back to that
simplicity in living, that is really key.
488
00:30:08,115 –> 00:30:15,765
And I think our world now, it has us
motivated in the wrong directions.
489
00:30:16,125 –> 00:30:22,485
We are running for money,
and, uh, fame, and attention.
490
00:30:22,815 –> 00:30:24,495
Everybody wants attention.
491
00:30:26,025 –> 00:30:29,475
We’re looking for it in the
wrong places, is what I feel.
492
00:30:29,535 –> 00:30:32,070
What, what’s your take on that?
493
00:30:33,000 –> 00:30:35,580
Uh, well, what do you mean we’re, we’re
looking for attention in the wrong places?
494
00:30:35,580 –> 00:30:37,200
You’re, like on, uh, social media?
495
00:30:37,410 –> 00:30:40,680
The, like, you know, get,
getting the fake internet points?
496
00:30:41,070 –> 00:30:41,850
Yes.
497
00:30:42,030 –> 00:30:47,790
I, I, I think that is, yes, that, that
is very key, Paul, because, you know,
498
00:30:47,790 –> 00:30:53,580
we are finding ourselves moving more
in the direction of digital world.
499
00:30:53,969 –> 00:31:01,199
But our biological body needs to be
looking for interaction in the real world.
500
00:31:01,590 –> 00:31:06,600
Uh, we used to have picnics and we,
we’d have these social interactions
501
00:31:06,600 –> 00:31:13,469
in the park and people would meet
and gather, and that’s how we used to
502
00:31:14,129 –> 00:31:17,669
get all of our social interactions.
503
00:31:17,669 –> 00:31:22,560
Now it’s generally
online, so there is this.
504
00:31:23,550 –> 00:31:24,390
Diminished.
505
00:31:25,740 –> 00:31:26,730
Oh, there, it is.
506
00:31:26,730 –> 00:31:30,900
And it, it impacts us all in different
ways, you know, a lot of, um, a
507
00:31:30,900 –> 00:31:35,520
lot of the social media, it’s all
dopamine addiction too, you know?
508
00:31:36,750 –> 00:31:39,930
When you, when you post something online
and you’re like constantly checking
509
00:31:39,930 –> 00:31:41,250
back, like, how many views do I get?
510
00:31:41,250 –> 00:31:42,165
How many likes did I get?
511
00:31:42,480 –> 00:31:44,340
That’s, uh, that’s all dopamine addiction.
512
00:31:44,760 –> 00:31:48,150
And the way, uh, it, it, it
manifests itself in, in lots of
513
00:31:48,150 –> 00:31:50,190
different negative ways, you know?
514
00:31:50,250 –> 00:31:56,235
uh, for men, men who get addicted to
social media and posting so that they
515
00:31:56,235 –> 00:31:59,715
get the fake internet points and stuff
like that, what a lot of guys don’t
516
00:31:59,715 –> 00:32:04,754
realize is that, uh, especially if they’re
trying to be more attractive for their
517
00:32:04,965 –> 00:32:11,564
wives or girlfriends is, doing that a
lot is validation seeking behavior and,
518
00:32:12,195 –> 00:32:16,425
uh, it’s not masculine to be
constantly seeking validation.
519
00:32:16,815 –> 00:32:21,435
Like, it, it’s actually, that’s more of
a, a, a, a feminine trait to be looking
520
00:32:21,435 –> 00:32:23,325
for validation and attention all the time.
521
00:32:23,415 –> 00:32:28,485
And so if you’re that guy, women
start looking at that going, I don’t
522
00:32:28,485 –> 00:32:30,195
know why, but it, it’s unattractive.
523
00:32:30,195 –> 00:32:32,955
It’s because it, it goes
against the nature, right?
524
00:32:33,315 –> 00:32:37,725
Um, and then a, a, a problem with
women, uh, having, being, putting
525
00:32:37,725 –> 00:32:42,915
on social, putting themselves out
there on social media is that they
526
00:32:42,915 –> 00:32:45,585
do get a lot of attention, especially
if they’re attractive, right?
527
00:32:45,585 –> 00:32:49,064
They’ll get a lot of
attention from other men.
528
00:32:49,575 –> 00:32:54,825
And then, uh, their hypergamous
nature, um, which is, is fascinating,
529
00:32:54,825 –> 00:32:56,955
uh, there’s this concept
called hypergamy, right?
530
00:32:56,955 –> 00:33:00,865
And women, women’s sexual
strategy is hypergamy.
531
00:33:00,885 –> 00:33:03,750
And hypergamy is where a woman
is typically trying to look for
532
00:33:03,750 –> 00:33:06,389
her best possible option, right?
533
00:33:06,389 –> 00:33:11,475
And a part of that is she wants
a guy who’s sexually attractive,
534
00:33:11,475 –> 00:33:14,565
we call those, you know, those
types of traits, alpha traits.
535
00:33:14,565 –> 00:33:17,385
A lot of guys don’t like the concepts
of alpha/ beta, but you can, you
536
00:33:17,385 –> 00:33:21,585
can say sexually attractive and
not sexually attractive, right?
537
00:33:22,065 –> 00:33:25,965
So they’re looking for a guy that’s
sexually attractive, but who’s
538
00:33:25,965 –> 00:33:27,855
also kind and nurturing, right?
539
00:33:28,095 –> 00:33:32,175
And that the kind and nurturing’s the beta
traits, they want a guy with both traits.
540
00:33:32,595 –> 00:33:33,075
Um.
541
00:33:33,795 –> 00:33:37,335
And so that’s, that’s gonna be their
best possible option, a guy that
542
00:33:37,335 –> 00:33:39,495
has a, a solid mixture of both.
543
00:33:40,635 –> 00:33:44,175
And what they’ll, what women, if
they can’t get one thing in their
544
00:33:44,175 –> 00:33:46,965
relationship, like maybe they do
have the beta provider guy, right?
545
00:33:46,965 –> 00:33:49,755
That’s where they put them to work and
they made them the solid workhorse.
546
00:33:49,755 –> 00:33:51,285
Now he’s the beta provider guy.
547
00:33:51,315 –> 00:33:55,155
Now they’re looking for, that’s why
they cheat, they’ll cheat with the pool
548
00:33:55,155 –> 00:33:56,805
boy who’s more sexually attractive.
549
00:33:57,435 –> 00:34:00,960
Well, the thing is, about being on
social media is, now they have a whole
550
00:34:00,960 –> 00:34:05,940
world open to them of guys who are
just constantly giving them validation.
551
00:34:05,940 –> 00:34:07,740
Telling them that they’re beautiful,
552
00:34:07,740 –> 00:34:09,120
like, Oh, you’re so gorgeous.
553
00:34:09,120 –> 00:34:12,150
And there’s all these, you know, we
call them simps in the space, where
554
00:34:12,150 –> 00:34:14,760
they’re, they’re just constantly
putting these women on pedestals,
555
00:34:14,760 –> 00:34:16,590
so they get this inflated ego.
556
00:34:17,415 –> 00:34:23,235
And now they, they get this over sense,
uh, this overinflated sense of self, where
557
00:34:23,235 –> 00:34:27,105
now they’re looking at the guy they’re
with, who, if you didn’t have social
558
00:34:27,105 –> 00:34:31,545
media, he probably would be her best
possible option in her immediate vicinity.
559
00:34:31,844 –> 00:34:35,895
But now she’s got this worldwide thing
where she’s being told constantly how
560
00:34:35,925 –> 00:34:39,284
great she is, and how beautiful she is,
and how she’s like a ten, and she’s gonna
561
00:34:39,284 –> 00:34:44,669
start looking at her average husband
and go, Oh, I could do better than this.
562
00:34:44,759 –> 00:34:48,449
And then her hypergamous nature is
gonna start seeking that out elsewhere.
563
00:34:48,870 –> 00:34:54,239
And then that’s where, like we have
this really, you know, bad, uh, you
564
00:34:54,239 –> 00:34:57,330
know, we have bad divorce rates now,
people can’t seem to stay together,
565
00:34:57,330 –> 00:34:58,859
relationships are in shambles.
566
00:34:59,250 –> 00:35:01,450
A lot of it is fueled by social media.
567
00:35:02,980 –> 00:35:05,565
Yes, I believe that a hundred percent.
568
00:35:05,595 –> 00:35:10,785
It, it’s, it’s really a good thing
what we’re doing here today, Paul,
569
00:35:10,785 –> 00:35:17,265
is, you know, educating the younger
people that, hey, it, it’s not real
570
00:35:17,265 –> 00:35:19,695
what we’re dealing with in this world.
571
00:35:19,695 –> 00:35:24,195
So, you know, this is just a
natural feeling that you’re
572
00:35:24,195 –> 00:35:25,785
having, it’s okay to be you.
573
00:35:26,730 –> 00:35:33,300
And, and that, I, I really feel will
help build young people to a better
574
00:35:33,300 –> 00:35:36,270
standing or understanding, anyway.
575
00:35:37,215 –> 00:35:38,790
I, I, I, I agree.
576
00:35:38,790 –> 00:35:45,359
And, and going back to the social media
thing, uh, when I realized that, uh,
577
00:35:45,540 –> 00:35:49,200
posting on social media and trying
to get likes and stuff like that, uh,
578
00:35:49,200 –> 00:35:53,700
was attention seeking behavior, I,
I really did an, a self-evaluation
579
00:35:53,700 –> 00:35:56,100
of my personal social media.
580
00:35:56,190 –> 00:35:58,259
And I, I realized that I was that guy.
581
00:35:58,380 –> 00:36:02,400
I was, I was posting like every
dinner I had, everywhere I went, I,
582
00:36:02,400 –> 00:36:07,860
it was always selfies and whatever,
and I immediately cut that out.
583
00:36:07,860 –> 00:36:11,700
If you are someone that’s like my,
my, one of my close friends and
584
00:36:11,700 –> 00:36:14,640
you follow me on social media, you
probably never see me post anymore.
585
00:36:14,670 –> 00:36:15,630
Like never.
586
00:36:15,720 –> 00:36:19,020
Like my personal, my personal
social media is completely dead.
587
00:36:19,320 –> 00:36:23,490
My professional social media is very
active ’cause it’s marketing really,
588
00:36:23,490 –> 00:36:26,340
you know, it’s trying to get people
to the podcast, or to the books, or
589
00:36:27,105 –> 00:36:28,965
to the coaching, so I have to post.
590
00:36:28,965 –> 00:36:31,275
It’s not really attention
seeking behavior, it’s business.
591
00:36:31,305 –> 00:36:36,795
But, but, but I’ll, I’ll see it ’cause
I’m on TikTok a lot and I see, I see
592
00:36:36,795 –> 00:36:41,625
guys, you know, making these videos for no
reason other than to get internet points.
593
00:36:41,685 –> 00:36:46,229
And I’m just like, Man, if you just, if
you just cut that out, you would, your
594
00:36:46,229 –> 00:36:47,790
wife would like you better, you know?
595
00:36:48,120 –> 00:36:55,470
And then women, if they, you stop putting,
you know, sexy picks online and started,
596
00:36:55,560 –> 00:37:00,629
you know, really saving that for your
relationship and really maybe only post,
597
00:37:01,050 –> 00:37:05,190
yeah, maybe only post things that
are like family updates that are
598
00:37:05,190 –> 00:37:08,850
important, you know, so that, you
know, grandma knows what’s going
599
00:37:08,850 –> 00:37:10,410
on, that, that kind of stuff’s okay.
600
00:37:10,410 –> 00:37:14,460
But if you’re putting like thirst
traps up, which a lot of women do,
601
00:37:14,460 –> 00:37:18,330
they’ll put like sexy pictures of
themselves up there just so they
602
00:37:18,330 –> 00:37:19,535
can get other guys’ attention.
603
00:37:19,535 –> 00:37:23,540
That, that’s gonna hurt your marriage,
that’s gonna hurt your relationship.
604
00:37:24,009 –> 00:37:30,390
So it, it, it, it would behoove
both genders to not do that so much.
605
00:37:30,450 –> 00:37:34,529
Pull back from social media and, and
be more present in your relationship.
606
00:37:35,100 –> 00:37:36,420
Yeah, yeah.
607
00:37:36,480 –> 00:37:44,910
And, and that, that should carry on into
your personal life behavior, all of that.
608
00:37:44,910 –> 00:37:48,630
Moderation in everything
that we do is key.
609
00:37:49,320 –> 00:37:57,180
So it happens with alcohol and, you know,
all, all behavior depends on moderation.
610
00:37:58,470 –> 00:38:03,690
I wanna touch on setting, uh, boundaries.
611
00:38:04,419 –> 00:38:10,290
You know, I really feel that a good
relationship has healthy boundaries
612
00:38:10,650 –> 00:38:17,730
and both partners should understand
the boundaries within the relationship.
613
00:38:18,450 –> 00:38:23,590
What is your understanding
of boundaries, Paul?
614
00:38:25,110 –> 00:38:26,940
Boundaries are, boundaries are paramount.
615
00:38:26,940 –> 00:38:30,780
But, but a lot of people don’t really
have a good understanding of boundaries.
616
00:38:30,780 –> 00:38:32,430
Boundaries aren’t for them.
617
00:38:32,490 –> 00:38:33,421
Like, boundaries are for you.
618
00:38:33,845 –> 00:38:39,285
It’s, it’s rules and values you set
for yourself of what you’re willing
619
00:38:39,285 –> 00:38:40,785
to tolerate and what you’re not.
620
00:38:41,085 –> 00:38:47,145
And, uh, a lot of people don’t know
how to set boundaries very well.
621
00:38:47,235 –> 00:38:49,005
Uh, there’s effective ways of doing it.
622
00:38:49,665 –> 00:38:51,915
And, um, like a good example, right?
623
00:38:52,365 –> 00:38:56,610
Because one of the things that, that
I, we talk about in the Red Pill
624
00:38:56,610 –> 00:39:01,200
space is, is for men, uh, women are
typically drawn to a guy who has a
625
00:39:01,200 –> 00:39:03,810
dominant masculine presence, right?
626
00:39:03,900 –> 00:39:07,890
Uh, being dominant doesn’t necessarily
mean domineering, you know, like
627
00:39:07,890 –> 00:39:09,690
being controlling and stuff like that.
628
00:39:09,690 –> 00:39:12,810
That’s not a, that’s not
a good attractive feature.
629
00:39:12,810 –> 00:39:15,870
But a lot of guys, when they’re
setting boundaries, they
630
00:39:15,870 –> 00:39:18,210
will be controlling, right?
631
00:39:18,210 –> 00:39:24,690
So, for example, uh, a, a, a, a guy
might not want his wife going out
632
00:39:24,690 –> 00:39:29,430
with her single ho friends, you know,
which is a good boundary to have.
633
00:39:29,529 –> 00:39:32,790
Because a, a woman that is going
out with her single friends,
634
00:39:33,060 –> 00:39:36,270
if she has five single friends,
she’s gonna go out and act single.
635
00:39:36,450 –> 00:39:39,150
And that’s typically how cheating starts.
636
00:39:39,750 –> 00:39:43,740
If she goes out and hangs out with, uh,
if she’s in a committed relationship or,
637
00:39:43,920 –> 00:39:48,000
you know, if she’s married, she goes out
and, and hangs out with married women that
638
00:39:48,000 –> 00:39:49,720
are typically happy in their marriage,
639
00:39:50,529 –> 00:39:54,210
that’s gonna be, you know, a
good, you know, feedback loop,
640
00:39:54,270 –> 00:39:55,710
positive feedback loop for her.
641
00:39:55,830 –> 00:39:57,140
Like, you should encourage that.
642
00:39:58,090 –> 00:40:01,620
But if she’s like, if she, if you don’t
want her going out with her single, single
643
00:40:01,620 –> 00:40:06,810
ho friends, uh, a, a, a domineering guy
will say, You are forbidden from going
644
00:40:06,810 –> 00:40:09,060
out with your single ho friends, right?
645
00:40:09,300 –> 00:40:14,100
But a, a, a good way to set that boundary,
where it’s not controlling and you’re
646
00:40:14,100 –> 00:40:19,049
just being clear with, Hey, this is a
boundary of mine, is by saying, I can’t
647
00:40:19,049 –> 00:40:22,080
be in a relationship with a woman that
goes out with her single ho friends.
648
00:40:22,940 –> 00:40:24,420
Because that’s you.
649
00:40:24,509 –> 00:40:25,980
Like, I, I can’t do that.
650
00:40:25,980 –> 00:40:29,490
You’re, you’re free to do it, but
we can’t be together, you know?
651
00:40:29,910 –> 00:40:31,920
And so that’s a decision you have to make.
652
00:40:32,640 –> 00:40:37,350
And, uh, and that’s a, a good way of
setting that by being clear like, Hey,
653
00:40:38,339 –> 00:40:41,055
I, I don’t tolerate this, you know?
654
00:40:41,295 –> 00:40:43,305
And so, uh, that’s one way of doing it.
655
00:40:43,395 –> 00:40:47,975
Uh, there’s a really phenomenal book
I highly recommend everyone read.
656
00:40:47,975 –> 00:40:52,005
It’s not one of mine, but it’s one that
I, I have my coaching clients read.
657
00:40:52,725 –> 00:40:54,795
It’s called, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
658
00:40:55,185 –> 00:40:58,305
I think it came out, I wanna say
it came out in the seventies.
659
00:40:58,995 –> 00:41:02,085
Uh, it’s a, a phenomenal book.
660
00:41:02,085 –> 00:41:05,535
It, it starts off with your
assertive bill of rights, it
661
00:41:05,535 –> 00:41:12,194
teaches you how to communicate,
uh, assertively, um, effectively.
662
00:41:12,345 –> 00:41:15,555
And so a lot of people think being
assertive means being aggressive.
663
00:41:15,555 –> 00:41:19,185
Like you have to yell at your wife and
tell her, No, you can’t do this, right?
664
00:41:19,634 –> 00:41:22,365
No, you don’t have to do that at all.
665
00:41:22,365 –> 00:41:24,585
You can be very calm
and still be assertive.
666
00:41:25,004 –> 00:41:27,645
And he teaches lots of
techniques in that book.
667
00:41:27,765 –> 00:41:32,444
Uh, and one of them, when it comes to
setting boundaries, that’s probably
668
00:41:32,444 –> 00:41:35,444
the, your number one tool in the
toolbox is what we call broken record.
669
00:41:36,045 –> 00:41:42,345
Where you set the boundary, which is, I
don’t, I don’t date, I don’t date women
670
00:41:42,345 –> 00:41:44,225
that go out with their single ho friends.
671
00:41:44,695 –> 00:41:47,925
And, uh, and she starts arguing
about it, Oh, you’re being insecure
672
00:41:47,925 –> 00:41:49,275
and dah, dah, dah, dah, or whatever.
673
00:41:49,665 –> 00:41:55,185
And you say, Maybe, maybe I am being
insecure, but I don’t date women that
674
00:41:55,185 –> 00:41:56,354
go out with their single ho friends.
675
00:41:56,654 –> 00:42:00,615
So the broken record is you just keep
repeating the phrase over and over
676
00:42:00,615 –> 00:42:02,955
again until they get it, you know?
677
00:42:03,044 –> 00:42:07,125
And people typically, uh, you know,
sometimes, like the first couple of
678
00:42:07,125 –> 00:42:09,654
times you do it, if you, especially
if you’re one of those people that
679
00:42:09,654 –> 00:42:14,189
are, you know, used to manipulative
language being used on you and you do
680
00:42:14,189 –> 00:42:18,479
feel guilty for telling people no and
stuff like that, uh, it’s gonna feel
681
00:42:18,479 –> 00:42:22,529
uncomfortable the first few times you do
it, but then it becomes second nature.
682
00:42:22,529 –> 00:42:27,029
And a lot of the stuff that I teach
guys is, I want it to become a habit.
683
00:42:27,779 –> 00:42:31,319
I want it to become a part of your
new paradigm of having a dominant
684
00:42:31,319 –> 00:42:34,350
masculine presence ’cause you’ll do it
without even thinking about it then.
685
00:42:34,890 –> 00:42:38,115
Um, but, but it’s gonna
feel uncomfortable at first.
686
00:42:38,115 –> 00:42:40,305
And it just, like anything
else in life, if you wanna get
687
00:42:40,305 –> 00:42:41,745
good at it, it takes practice.
688
00:42:42,225 –> 00:42:43,455
But, uh, but yeah.
689
00:42:43,455 –> 00:42:45,195
That’s a, it’s a phenomenal book.
690
00:42:45,195 –> 00:42:49,575
It talks, it tells you how to, like,
if your wife gets angry and starts
691
00:42:49,575 –> 00:42:53,854
yelling at you, how to stay calm
and centered in those circumstances.
692
00:42:53,870 –> 00:42:57,920
Because like we talked about before,
with the shit tests, if she can get you
693
00:42:57,920 –> 00:43:02,330
mad and angry and push your buttons,
and you get mad, you fail her tests
694
00:43:02,390 –> 00:43:03,720
and then she loses respect for you.
695
00:43:03,720 –> 00:43:08,690
But if, if, if you are able to stay
calm, like the most calm person wins.
696
00:43:09,350 –> 00:43:13,940
If you can stay calm and be able to
interact with her, despite her being mad
697
00:43:13,940 –> 00:43:18,500
and yelling and whatever, you’re gonna win
and she’s gonna have more respect for you.
698
00:43:18,500 –> 00:43:21,290
And the more respect she has for you,
the more in love with you she’s gonna
699
00:43:21,290 –> 00:43:25,935
be, the more she’s gonna see you as her
best hypergamous option, the longer your
700
00:43:25,935 –> 00:43:27,435
relationship’s gonna last, you know?
701
00:43:27,645 –> 00:43:31,365
So it’s, it, it ends up compounding,
all this stuff compounds.
702
00:43:31,365 –> 00:43:36,075
And the, the ability to be able to tell
your wife no and set boundaries is huge.
703
00:43:36,285 –> 00:43:38,205
She, she likes that structure.
704
00:43:38,205 –> 00:43:41,895
I, I was talking with another guy
and he, he, he said it very well.
705
00:43:42,404 –> 00:43:46,575
He said, Imagine walking through
a cave and it’s dark in there
706
00:43:46,575 –> 00:43:47,985
and you can’t see very well.
707
00:43:48,435 –> 00:43:53,714
Uh, as long as you can feel the sides of
the cave, you feel a little more secure.
708
00:43:53,714 –> 00:43:55,214
Like, okay, I might be
able to get through this.
709
00:43:55,214 –> 00:43:57,975
I can, I can kind of
feel my way out of this.
710
00:43:58,365 –> 00:44:02,535
But if you go and push on the cave
wall and the cave wall’s collapsing,
711
00:44:02,535 –> 00:44:03,674
you’re not gonna feel safe.
712
00:44:03,674 –> 00:44:05,984
You’re gonna be like, Oh my God,
I’m in a dark cave, I can’t see
713
00:44:05,984 –> 00:44:07,515
anything, the walls are caving in.
714
00:44:08,415 –> 00:44:10,904
Boundaries are the same thing
for your wife or your girlfriend.
715
00:44:11,504 –> 00:44:16,725
She’s like in a cave, ’cause women, you
know, they, uh, the, with their emotions,
716
00:44:16,725 –> 00:44:19,754
there’s, there’s, it’s, it’s like,
it’s like they’re, they’re the wind.
717
00:44:19,754 –> 00:44:23,295
And so they, like, one of the
reasons why they like, uh, male
718
00:44:23,325 –> 00:44:26,924
masculine leadership is because it
provides structure to their chaos.
719
00:44:27,495 –> 00:44:32,265
And so if you could be, if you can
apply boundaries, you are providing,
720
00:44:32,759 –> 00:44:36,900
um, the walls in the cave for her to feel
more safe and secure in the relationship.
721
00:44:36,900 –> 00:44:41,040
Being able to tell her no
provides structure and that makes
722
00:44:41,040 –> 00:44:42,390
her feel more safe and secure.
723
00:44:42,645 –> 00:44:44,100
And, and it’s, it’s fascinating.
724
00:44:44,130 –> 00:44:46,980
Uh, one of my mentors in the space,
a guy named Dr. Robert Glover, he’s
725
00:44:46,980 –> 00:44:48,630
written some really phenomenal books.
726
00:44:49,080 –> 00:44:53,160
Um, one of the things that he said
that he had to learn, like, ’cause he’s
727
00:44:53,160 –> 00:44:56,310
been, I think he’s, I think he’s on
his third, third marriage, he finally
728
00:44:56,310 –> 00:44:57,870
figured it out after his third marriage.
729
00:44:58,230 –> 00:45:02,700
But his, after his second marriage,
his wife told him, Look, if you
730
00:45:02,700 –> 00:45:06,510
can’t stand up to me, how can
I trust you to stand up for me?
731
00:45:06,540 –> 00:45:09,900
Like, that’s, that’s how
a lot of women think.
732
00:45:09,960 –> 00:45:13,890
And so if you can’t tell her no, if
you can’t stand up to her nagging
733
00:45:13,890 –> 00:45:17,760
and whatever, and be able to sort
of, you know, lovingly put her in
734
00:45:17,760 –> 00:45:21,660
her place, um, she won’t respect you.
735
00:45:21,660 –> 00:45:24,270
And then she can’t love you and
she can’t, she doesn’t trust your
736
00:45:24,270 –> 00:45:26,940
leadership and she doesn’t feel
safe and secure in the relationship.
737
00:45:27,060 –> 00:45:31,350
And at the end of the day, women
are security seeking creatures
738
00:45:31,350 –> 00:45:32,700
that respond to strength.
739
00:45:33,030 –> 00:45:38,580
And if, if, if you can recognize that and,
and provide that structure, like she can
740
00:45:38,580 –> 00:45:42,150
relax into her feminine and, and things
will be swimming in your relationship.
741
00:45:43,740 –> 00:45:47,550
That was solid advice right there
and, and you laid it out well.
742
00:45:47,790 –> 00:45:54,090
Uh, I like the collapsing cave walls in
the dark that, that paints a good picture.
743
00:45:54,960 –> 00:46:00,750
And, and it’s very, very challenging
when you’re in the heat of the moment
744
00:46:00,900 –> 00:46:05,819
and that feminine chaos hits you.
745
00:46:06,900 –> 00:46:13,950
Uh, it took me years and years to figure
out how to stay calm in that storm.
746
00:46:14,580 –> 00:46:20,439
And, and really it does help, not
only your wife’s attitude, but
747
00:46:20,505 –> 00:46:25,515
it helps yourself and it gives
yourself understanding of the
748
00:46:25,515 –> 00:46:31,755
chaos that the world that surrounds
you throws at you every day.
749
00:46:32,175 –> 00:46:38,025
And really that’s back to that
natural feeling of security, that
750
00:46:38,025 –> 00:46:40,095
sense of security is very important.
751
00:46:40,425 –> 00:46:41,900
It’s not everything but.
752
00:46:43,500 –> 00:46:45,870
I was gonna say, well, that’s,
that’s one of the big reasons
753
00:46:45,870 –> 00:46:47,790
why women test you though.
754
00:46:48,120 –> 00:46:51,180
They, you know, they’re testing to
see if they can, you know, push your
755
00:46:51,180 –> 00:46:55,140
buttons and throw you off center and
manipulate you because she needs, she
756
00:46:55,140 –> 00:46:59,759
needs to know that life’s challenges,
that you’re gonna be able to handle
757
00:46:59,759 –> 00:47:02,400
them and lead the family through that.
758
00:47:03,120 –> 00:47:08,645
And if, if you can’t, if you can’t handle
her women’s nonsense, like how are you
759
00:47:08,645 –> 00:47:10,535
gonna handle life’s bigger challenges?
760
00:47:10,595 –> 00:47:12,785
Like, that’s really where it comes from.
761
00:47:12,785 –> 00:47:14,585
And it, like, women don’t
even know they’re doing it.
762
00:47:14,884 –> 00:47:19,355
And so the, the, the sooner men
realize what’s happening and how
763
00:47:19,355 –> 00:47:22,655
to handle it, uh, like, the better
their relationships are gonna be.
764
00:47:23,685 –> 00:47:25,455
You know, Paul, that’s very key.
765
00:47:25,905 –> 00:47:31,095
Uh, sometimes when women are in
that chaotic state, they don’t
766
00:47:31,095 –> 00:47:32,505
even realize they’re there.
767
00:47:32,505 –> 00:47:37,995
They’re just reacting the way that their
subconscious mind tells them to react.
768
00:47:38,505 –> 00:47:44,774
So we’re back into that, you, you
gotta understand the feminine mind.
769
00:47:44,924 –> 00:47:50,535
And you have to understand the
male mind model to really live in a
770
00:47:50,535 –> 00:47:54,254
harmonious situation, a relationship.
771
00:47:54,365 –> 00:47:57,825
It’s, it’s quite interesting
how it all works.
772
00:47:58,875 –> 00:48:00,794
Our time is running short.
773
00:48:01,365 –> 00:48:05,865
Uh, do you have anything you wanna
add to our conversation, Paul?
774
00:48:06,345 –> 00:48:10,875
Um, I’ll just say, final thoughts
on this is, uh, the, the number one
775
00:48:10,875 –> 00:48:14,625
thing I think guys, if they wanna
start turning their relationship
776
00:48:14,625 –> 00:48:20,025
around and start fixing things, is
learning how to handle women’s tests.
777
00:48:20,085 –> 00:48:24,915
Uh, in my coaching program, uh, we
start working on that on week two.
778
00:48:24,975 –> 00:48:31,035
Like week one, we look at, what we do is
we do what I call a relationship autopsy.
779
00:48:31,230 –> 00:48:36,180
We look at what your relationship
used to be like, where it is
780
00:48:36,180 –> 00:48:40,080
now, and, and where you think it
started going downhill, you know?
781
00:48:40,290 –> 00:48:41,640
And we start evaluating that.
782
00:48:42,480 –> 00:48:47,640
But week two, we, we talk about handling
women’s tests because as soon as a
783
00:48:47,640 –> 00:48:53,340
guy learns how to handle her tests, he
immediately puts himself back at the
784
00:48:53,340 –> 00:48:55,500
beginning of the betaization process.
785
00:48:55,860 –> 00:48:57,900
Back where she’s starting to test again.
786
00:48:57,900 –> 00:49:01,710
And as soon as you start passing
those tests, that’s when her hamster
787
00:49:01,710 –> 00:49:03,840
wheel starts, starts running again.
788
00:49:03,840 –> 00:49:07,920
Going, Wait a second, I don’t know
what he’s doing, but I like it.
789
00:49:08,640 –> 00:49:13,080
You know, I had, uh, what I, I,
I had a client who, he, he and
790
00:49:13,080 –> 00:49:17,970
his wife, they hadn’t had sex in
like six months, and they were
791
00:49:17,970 –> 00:49:19,950
constantly fighting, all this stuff.
792
00:49:19,980 –> 00:49:23,130
And on week two I showed
him, I told him what to do.
793
00:49:23,850 –> 00:49:27,330
And he, and I told him to have fun with
it ’cause, you know, the agree and amplify
794
00:49:27,330 –> 00:49:32,160
part is where you sort of take whatever
she says and you jokingly agree with
795
00:49:32,160 –> 00:49:35,879
her, and then bring it up to an absurd
level and just make a big joke out of it,
796
00:49:35,879 –> 00:49:36,149
right?
797
00:49:36,149 –> 00:49:39,240
And, and basically you, you’re
not taking her seriously.
798
00:49:39,629 –> 00:49:45,000
Well, he did that to his wife and
after that session, he, he, he, she
799
00:49:45,000 –> 00:49:49,259
was testing him in some way, he did the
agree and amplify and had fun with it.
800
00:49:50,024 –> 00:49:53,294
And he go, he, he reported back, he goes,
I’m not in a dead bedroom anymore, bro.
801
00:49:53,895 –> 00:49:55,875
I was like, boom, week two.
802
00:49:55,935 –> 00:49:58,814
Like, that’s all, for a lot of
guys, that’s all it takes is
803
00:49:58,814 –> 00:50:00,854
just handling her, her test.
804
00:50:00,854 –> 00:50:03,225
So I would highly recommend
you learn how to do that.
805
00:50:03,645 –> 00:50:07,334
Um, one way guys can do that, if
they get my, uh, latest book, it’s
806
00:50:07,334 –> 00:50:09,705
called, Get Her to Fuck You Again.
807
00:50:09,705 –> 00:50:14,525
It’s a red pill guide, um, to fix a
dead bedroom that came out in January.
808
00:50:14,525 –> 00:50:15,785
It’s also available on Audible.
809
00:50:15,785 –> 00:50:19,445
So if you prefer to listen to it on, on
audio, it’s available on Audible too.
810
00:50:19,955 –> 00:50:24,335
Um, and then if guys read that book and
they’re still having challenges, I highly
811
00:50:24,335 –> 00:50:26,135
recommend that they book a call with me.
812
00:50:26,735 –> 00:50:27,545
It’s free.
813
00:50:27,695 –> 00:50:32,650
Um, if you go to call.fixdeadbedrooms.com,
they could book a call with me and if,
814
00:50:32,655 –> 00:50:36,305
if I can help you with your situation,
I’ll show you what that looks like.
815
00:50:36,305 –> 00:50:39,155
And if I can’t, I’ll at least
point you in the right direction.
816
00:50:40,545 –> 00:50:41,295
Great, great.
817
00:50:41,535 –> 00:50:45,134
So, uh, do you have a
call to action for people?
818
00:50:45,975 –> 00:50:48,555
The call to action would
be to get the book.
819
00:50:49,755 –> 00:50:53,985
Because I, I was talking with this guy
today on, uh, a lot of guys like DM me
820
00:50:53,985 –> 00:50:58,755
and stuff, and, um, this guy DM me about
a video like a couple of weeks ago.
821
00:50:59,295 –> 00:51:02,985
And, you know, a lot of the guys that
I work with one-on-one, uh, they’re,
822
00:51:03,195 –> 00:51:06,015
they’ve been in, they’ve been married
for over five years, you know?
823
00:51:06,015 –> 00:51:08,445
They’ve had, they’ve had some
serious problems and stuff like that.
824
00:51:08,775 –> 00:51:12,435
Uh, this guy hadn’t been married,
or I think he’s still dating,
825
00:51:12,435 –> 00:51:13,635
he’s not even married, you know?
826
00:51:13,725 –> 00:51:18,464
And so, um, working with me, uh, it,
it’s, it’s not gonna be in your best
827
00:51:18,464 –> 00:51:22,185
interest if you’re, if you haven’t been,
uh, you know, married that long, right?
828
00:51:22,455 –> 00:51:24,165
So I said, Well, get the book.
829
00:51:24,285 –> 00:51:28,424
Definitely get the book and, and, and read
it and start applying some of that stuff,
830
00:51:28,424 –> 00:51:30,795
and, and you’ll, you’ll find some success.
831
00:51:31,305 –> 00:51:35,899
And then like a week later he respo, he
replied to another one of my videos going,
832
00:51:35,899 –> 00:51:37,250
Hey, can I get more information on this?
833
00:51:37,250 –> 00:51:38,899
I’m like, Well, have
you read the book yet?
834
00:51:39,680 –> 00:51:42,020
And he’s like, Oh, no,
I haven’t done that yet.
835
00:51:42,169 –> 00:51:45,529
It’s, it’s like people are out there
looking for some kind of magic pill.
836
00:51:45,560 –> 00:51:50,089
The magic pill is to get out there and
actually take some action and do the work.
837
00:51:50,330 –> 00:51:54,770
So by you, my, my best
recommendation for guys is to grab
838
00:51:54,770 –> 00:51:56,180
the book and start reading it.
839
00:51:56,210 –> 00:51:58,069
Like at least take some action there.
840
00:51:58,460 –> 00:52:01,294
And then as you’re reading
the book, apply it.
841
00:52:01,294 –> 00:52:03,754
Start applying it, don’t just read
the book and put it on the shelf
842
00:52:03,754 –> 00:52:05,235
and think that you’ve fixed things.
843
00:52:05,254 –> 00:52:07,685
You haven’t, you have
to actually take action.
844
00:52:08,134 –> 00:52:13,835
Um, nothing’s gonna work unless you start
moving the, the needle a little bit.
845
00:52:13,865 –> 00:52:16,704
And the, the quickest way to do
that would be to go get my book.
846
00:52:18,765 –> 00:52:21,015
Action makes perfection.
847
00:52:21,225 –> 00:52:23,625
You just gotta keep going, you know?
848
00:52:23,805 –> 00:52:27,674
Try, try again until you
get the right formula.
849
00:52:28,274 –> 00:52:31,545
Paul, it’s a blessing to
have you on the show today.
850
00:52:31,785 –> 00:52:37,935
I wanna say thank you for sharing here
on the Dead America Podcast and would
851
00:52:37,935 –> 00:52:44,265
you tell people one more time how to get
ahold of you and get connected with you?
852
00:52:45,765 –> 00:52:46,125
Yeah.
853
00:52:46,125 –> 00:52:50,035
So I, I have a blog, it’s
called fixdeadbedrooms.com.
854
00:52:50,084 –> 00:52:52,274
Um, and I, I post there almost daily.
855
00:52:52,274 –> 00:52:55,125
I, I don’t, I don’t really post
on Sundays, but I post there daily
856
00:52:55,424 –> 00:53:00,495
just various tips and tricks on
how to fix your mindset, how to,
857
00:53:00,555 –> 00:53:02,834
how to rebuild that attraction.
858
00:53:02,834 –> 00:53:05,024
So that’s a good free resource for people.
859
00:53:05,294 –> 00:53:08,475
And then if they go to that website,
they can find my social medias,
860
00:53:08,475 –> 00:53:12,430
they can find my, they can find my
podcast, they can find my books,
861
00:53:12,700 –> 00:53:13,990
they can book a call with me.
862
00:53:13,990 –> 00:53:17,560
So go to fixdeadbedrooms.com and
you can find all my stuff there.
863
00:53:19,035 –> 00:53:20,654
Paul, I like what you’re doing.
864
00:53:20,745 –> 00:53:21,944
Keep doing it, sir.
865
00:53:22,725 –> 00:53:23,504
Alright, thanks Ed.
866
00:53:23,504 –> 00:53:24,165
I appreciate it.
867
00:53:27,674 –> 00:53:29,355
Thank you for joining us today.
868
00:53:29,984 –> 00:53:36,194
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,
869
00:53:36,975 –> 00:53:43,400
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another
870
00:53:43,400 –> 00:53:46,790
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.
871
00:53:47,090 –> 00:53:52,610
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.