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Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate.

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Educate not only yourself, but
educate anyone seeking to learn.

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We are all Dead America,
we can all learn something.

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To learn, we must challenge
what we already understand.

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The way we do that is
through conversation.

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Sometimes we have conversations with
others, however, some of the best

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conversations happen with ourselves.

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Reach out and challenge yourself; let’s
dive in and learn something new right now.

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Today, we are speaking
with Kristal DeSantis.

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She is a licensed marriage and family
therapist, and she is also an author.

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Her book is Strong, A Relationship
Field Guide for the Modern Man.

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Kristal, could you please introduce
yourself and let people know just

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a little more about you, please?

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Kristal DeSantis: Hi, so I’m Kristal
DeSantis, and like you said, I’m a

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licensed marriage and family therapist.

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Um, I am married, I live in Austin, I
have two dogs and a big, big chubby cat.

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And yeah, as an author, uh, Strong,
Relationship Field Guide for the Modern

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Man is my first book, my only book so far.

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And yeah, I’m excited to be here
and have this conversation with you.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, it’s, it’s great
having you because this is kind of

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one of those things that people really
need to speak up about right now.

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Especially in our time, the modern man.

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Could you emphasize and explain what
that means to you, first of all?

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Kristal DeSantis: Yeah.

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I think, you know, the way I am using it
in the book and what I’m talking about

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is it’s basically any man that’s trying
to navigate the modern world right now.

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Um, that is maybe noticing a break from
the traditional models of masculinity

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or kind of the traditional relationship
roles that men have maybe in the

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past, or, you know, past generations.

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Um, it was maybe a little bit more
clear, like kind of the roles of men

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and, you know, what was expected of them.

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And in the modern world, it’s just things
have gotten a lot more complicated.

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So I just wanted to speak to kind
of what I noticed a lot of modern

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men were struggling with, which is,
you know, how do we navigate all of

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these, all of these new rules, all
of these new paths, um, all of these

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new conversations, and all of these
new changes without losing ourselves?

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Ed Watters: Yeah, that’s very interesting.

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I find it kind of difficult at times
because, you know, you never know whose

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toes you are going to step on anymore.

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And that gets a little confrontational,
if you will, for many people.

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So, you know, it’s important to
have conversations, especially about

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men and women working together.

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Relationship,

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it’s a big thing.

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And a big part of that is always
going to be communication.

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So what we’re doing here is we’re opening
up conversation pathways for individuals.

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And I think that is really
where most people are going to

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reconcile their differences.

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From my personal experiences, I understand
that communicating with my wife about who

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and what she is, no matter what I think
who and what she is, it’s very important.

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So, communication is a
big part of relationship.

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What’s your take on
relationship communication?

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Kristal DeSantis: I’d say that’s
probably the main thing that brings

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people to come to see me for couples
counseling, right, is, you know, when

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I’m asking them what brings you here?

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Often, kind of the number one thing
is we have communication issues.

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Um, and, you know, as, as I’m sure
you, you know, and you’ve, you know,

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experienced and taught is, you know,
sometimes communication issues are, is

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a symptom of a deeper disconnection.

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But also a lot of things can be
rectified through better communication,

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right?

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And so it is, it is a really crucial
part of healthy relationships.

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And especially, like you said,
navigating, um, you know, what might

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seem like a big divide between men and
women or, you know, there’s a lot of

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noise out there about, you know, women
are like this, or men are like this.

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But ultimately what I found at the end
of the day is, you know, people that

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want to be in healthy relationships just
want the skills to be able to communicate

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with their partner and to make their
relationship work for them so they can

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both be happy, and connected, and healthy
and thriving, and create the lives

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and the family that they want to have.

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And so I really wanted to speak to
that, you know, those people that,

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you know, regardless of all the noise
out there, they wanted to listen

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to each other and make it work.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, that’s huge.

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You know, people can’t be afraid
of the no, when you get told

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no, I don’t agree with you.

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You know, sometimes disagreements
come because there’s problems.

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And if you have a disagreement,
that’s the best time to really know

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who and understand who you are.

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It’s, it’s kind of tricky
to navigate at times.

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And, you know, there’s unique challenges
that you say men face in today’s society.

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Could you talk to us about that?

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Kristal DeSantis: Yeah.

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I think, you know, part of, kind of
the premise of my book was naming that,

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you know, a lot of men, um, and this
is, you know, just based on research.

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Um, but also in my conversations
with men is, you know, they kind of

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felt like how they were raised to
show up in a relationship like, you

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know, you got to have a good job,
you know, happy wife, happy life,

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be the protector, be the provider.

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You know, she wants kids, make sure
she can stay home and raise them

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and you got to go pay the bills.

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And, you know, um, is that, that
wasn’t necessarily working to make

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their marriages happy anymore.

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Um, and so that’s kind of the
purpose of this book is, you know,

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it’s like, I heard a lot of men
saying like, I’m a really good man.

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Why is my wife saying I’m a bad partner?

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And it’s, you know, and so really
kind of navigating that difference

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that, you know, what, what makes
you a good man when it comes to, you

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know, the character qualities or, um,
the characteristics of what people

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perceive a good man are in the world.

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Like you have a good job, you have a
stable income, or whatever it is, doesn’t

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necessarily translate to being, to
having the skills to be a good partner.

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And I really wanted to say that, you
know, getting the skills to be a good

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partner is really just about learning.

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And it’s about practicing, and it’s
about being vulnerable, and being

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open to learning those new skills and
having those difficult conversations.

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Um, and it really doesn’t have anything
to do with whether or not you’re,

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you know, you’re worth as a man.

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And that’s really where I found, um,
some really interesting conversations

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with a lot of men where, you know,
in the past, maybe there was the

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emphasis on, you know, if you have a
good job, you will be a good partner.

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If you are able to bring home the bacon
and, and provide for your family in that

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way, you’re automatically a good partner.

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Like that’s, that’s the baseline.

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Um, and then same thing, you know, if you
want to protect your family, you know?

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Maybe back in the day, that
was a very cut and dry.

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I wouldn’t say it was easy, but it was
cut and dry as far as like, you know, I

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mean, if we go way back is, you got to be
able to fight off any intruders, right?

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You got to be able to kill any bears,
and fight any lions, and, you know,

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keep your family safe from, you
know, the marauding hordes of thieves

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that might try to steal your farm.

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Um, but now, you know, I, I heard a
lot of men say, like, I still want to

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be the protector, but I, I don’t know
how modern women want to be protected.

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Like, you know, I don’t want to be,
uh, overbearing, I don’t want to be

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a creep, I don’t want, you know, to
get labeled as something that I’m not.

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So how do I embody this kind of
masculine urge that I have to be a

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protector in my family, um, without
being perceived as controlling, or

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aggressive, or something negative?

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Um, and so that’s really what, you know,
kind of was coming up for me when I

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was writing this book is, you know, how
can, how can we honor that, you know?

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These masculine traits are very,
very necessary, very present, very

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important, and yet they do look different
in a modern relationship, right?

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Where maybe there is dual income,
you’re not the sole provider, you

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know, what does that mean then?

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What else can you provide?

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Uh, same thing, they, you know, your wife
might not need you to fight everyone on

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your neighborhood and, you know, fight
the HOA, but how else can you show up

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as a protector in the relationship?

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Ed Watters: Yeah, it’s very tough.

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Especially if you’re a young man today.

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And, you know, I remember the
insecurities that I used to feel.

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It, it was tough just being
what was perceived to be a man.

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And it really wasn’t, it was a facade.

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And many, many times all it would
have taken was sit down and actually

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have that tough conversation.

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We, we feel uncomfortable
sometimes because we don’t want

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to offend the person that we love.

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And it’s kind of troubling that men are
getting a bad name, but it’s, it’s not,

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not a bad thing per se, really, because
men need to wake up in a big way, too.

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Look, we, we have to allow our wives,
our partners, to be who they are.

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And if we’re deep in a
relationship, we should have

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already known who they are anyway.

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And that means allowing
them to communicate.

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And, you know, if they have an
issue with you, you need to let

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them address that and hear it.

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My wife used to say, Well, you never
hear me, it goes over your head.

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And she’s right.

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I was so busy trying to play that role
that I assumed I heard what she said.

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And sometimes that’s troubling because
when we play it back, I didn’t hear

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forty percent of what my wife said to me.

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So there is a trouble spot.

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When we are providers, we have
to stop and be a good listener.

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Because if we can’t know what
is troubling our partner, how

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can we protect them from it?

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So it’s back to that communication
thing again, isn’t it?

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Kristal DeSantis: And this is really
where, you know, I often say, you know,

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most of the people that come to see me,
when they say communication issues, you

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know, I often like to point out like,
well, you know, both of you clearly

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are able to communicate well, like
you both have jobs, you know, you’ve

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completed education, you’re, you’ve
made the appointment to come see me.

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So, you know, when we talk about
communication, it’s not so much

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simply about transmitting information,
but it’s about, like you said, that

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understanding on the deeper level.

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Of, you know, sometimes communicating
about more vulnerable issues, right?

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How do we, how do we listen
to that without defensiveness?

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Without, like you said, kind of, it
goes in one ear, it goes out the other.

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Or you’re listening to defend yourself and
say, Well, that’s really not how it goes.

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Or, you know, it goes through
your own filter of what you

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think they want from you.

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Um, and so really that communication
is, you know, and I, in my book and

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part of the work I do with couples
is, I also talk about how, you know,

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men and women do get socialized to
communicate very differently, right?

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That’s just kind of, you know,
the reality of the way, you know,

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little girls and little boys get
socialized with their friend groups.

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Um, and so then you put these two people
in a relationship and expect them to

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kind of communicate well and then people
are surprised when it doesn’t happen.

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And so that’s also something I
also want to talk about is, one

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is not better than the other.

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But it’s like having two people
from two different countries,

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two different cultures that speak
different languages, you know?

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And you throw them in a room and
say, All right, now figure this out.

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They’re going to struggle.

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So finding those kind of common points
of communication that like, Hey, when

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I say blank, this is what I mean.

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And then when you say blank,
this is what you mean.

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Um, and so yeah, I talk about the kind
of four positions of conversation that

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often women are socialized to listen
and join with each other, right?

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So they just like, they
hold space for each other.

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They empathize.

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Oh my gosh, girl, that was so hard.

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I’m so sorry to hear that, right?

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They join with the experience.

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Um, whereas again, and it’s not totally
cut and dry, but what I often see

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is men are socialized to fix things.

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You know, if your buddy’s like,
Man, my TV is, you know, acting up.

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It’s like, well, you’re not just
telling, telling me that so I

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can go, Oh, that sucks, man.

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You can’t watch your favorite shows.

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It’s you’re telling me so
I can give you a solution.

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Um, so thinking, and then also debating,
that’s something else I saw that when

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it comes to men socializing with men,
often they find a lot of bonding in,

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like, kind of intellectual debate.

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Um, Which again is very bonding, but
when you put it in a relationship with

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somebody who’s looking to be listened
to, and you come at them with debate,

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it, it immediately causes a conflict.

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Yeah, so again, just like, yeah.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, I like that a lot.

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Uh, your book, you say it’s based on
six pillars of a good relationship.

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Could you tell us more about that?

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Kristal DeSantis: Yeah.

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So that was something, you
know, as a therapist, I wanted

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to kind of boil things down.

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You know, when we talk about relationship
issues, we talk about communication,

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sometimes it can feel really overwhelming.

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Like, what does it mean to
have a good relationship?

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Um, and who gets to set that standard?

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So I really wanted to boil it down to
kind of like the psychological pillars of

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what a healthy relationship looks like.

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Um, so these are the six pillars.

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Um, number one is safety.

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So a healthy relationship is
a safe relationship, right?

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Not only physically safe where, you know,
there’s no physical violence or, um,

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you know, throwing things when you’re
upset, but also emotional safety, right?

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That you can be yourself, you can
be heard, you can be listened to.

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And at the end of the day,
your conflict doesn’t escalate

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to a point that feels unsafe.

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Alright, so safety in a relationship
is kind of fundamental, so that’s the

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S. The T is trust, which, obviously,
I think, you know, if you don’t

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trust each other, it’s not going
to be a very healthy relationship.

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There’s going to be, you know,
toxic controlling behaviors,

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there’s going to be, um, you know,
anxious, anxiety, jealousy, um,

242
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when there’s no trust, right?

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And all of that can lead to a very
unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

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And then R is for respect.

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Respect is so important in a
healthy relationship, right?

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Knowing that your partner respects you,
respects the skills and, and you know,

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strengths you bring to the relationship,
respects your boundaries, respects your

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00:17:00,685 –> 00:17:05,715
limits when it comes to, you know, you
need personal recharge time, you need

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things that make you feel healthy.

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And so just, you know, again, without
respect in a relationship, contempt and

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resentment starts to build, and that
leads to some really, really ugly, um,

252
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ugly patterns in a relationship, right?

253
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And disrespectful language, communication,
um, you know, all of that takes a toll.

254
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So having safety, trust, and
respect are kind of the first three

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00:17:31,165 –> 00:17:32,595
pillars of a healthy relationship.

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Um and then the O N G is kind of where I
say like, you know, If your relationship

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is going to survive, we need the S T R.
We need the safety, trust, and respect

258
00:17:43,345 –> 00:17:45,085
just for basic relationship survival.

259
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But then if you want to take it to
that next level and make sure that you

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keep growing together throughout the
years, I mean, you know, hopefully your

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relationship will last your lifetime.

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So the O is openness, continuing
to be open with each other

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about how you’re changing.

264
00:18:01,670 –> 00:18:04,759
Whether it’s learning new
things, having different needs

265
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at different stages of life, um,
and also physical changes, right?

266
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Your bodies are going to change
as you go throughout the years.

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Being really open with each other,
you know, how are you doing?

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You know, are you staying,
are you staying connected?

269
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Um, yeah.

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So openness is so important to make sure
a relationship doesn’t grow apart, right?

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And then N is nurturing, which, you
know, it’s so interesting when I was

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looking at the research about like, you
know, what’s the difference between a

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00:18:34,840 –> 00:18:39,290
relationship that kind of fits, like, it
looks good on paper but doesn’t feel good?

274
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It’s that difference of a relationship
that kind of checks the boxes

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versus really feels nurturing and
that the people come to it for

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strength and come to it for comfort.

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And almost that, like, if I have good
news, I want to tell my partner because

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they’re my best friend, they’re my spouse.

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And I know that they’re going
to nurture my dreams, they’re

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going to be happy for me.

281
00:19:00,879 –> 00:19:05,060
Um, and just, you know, that nurturing
aspect of a relationship is kind of

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what makes, you know, what looks good on
paper actually feels good in real life.

283
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And then G is that kind of,
kind of final fairy dust of a

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relationship, which is generosity.

285
00:19:18,235 –> 00:19:23,404
Which is that mindset shift between,
you know, again, when I was kind of

286
00:19:23,435 –> 00:19:28,264
going back to the fundamentals of
what’s, what happens when somebody

287
00:19:28,725 –> 00:19:33,264
stops thinking about themselves and
starts thinking about a couple is

288
00:19:33,264 –> 00:19:38,090
they have to switch from a survival
mindset to a generosity mindset, right?

289
00:19:38,170 –> 00:19:41,510
Because if you’re, you know, living
in a cave and you find, you know, a

290
00:19:41,510 –> 00:19:45,930
piece of bread, you’re going to keep
it for yourself if it’s about survival.

291
00:19:46,370 –> 00:19:49,609
But if you’re going to thrive in a
relationship, you’re going to have

292
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to be generous and say, Hey guys,
I found a piece of bread, you know?

293
00:19:53,160 –> 00:19:55,739
So that we can all share, and
that we can all survive, and

294
00:19:55,739 –> 00:19:57,440
that you lift everybody together.

295
00:19:57,880 –> 00:20:02,450
Um, so that’s that shift from that kind of
selfish mindset to the generous mindset.

296
00:20:02,770 –> 00:20:07,205
And that’s really what I see as often,
kind of the hardest part of being married

297
00:20:07,215 –> 00:20:10,855
or being in a committed relationship
is it’s not all about you anymore.

298
00:20:12,265 –> 00:20:15,865
Where, you know, so, so those are
kind of, those are the six pillars

299
00:20:15,925 –> 00:20:20,070
of a strong relationship and
it’s an easy to remember acronym.

300
00:20:20,300 –> 00:20:23,110
So yeah, that’s my book.

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Ed Watters: I like that a lot.

302
00:20:25,910 –> 00:20:26,360
Yeah.

303
00:20:27,159 –> 00:20:34,679
Now I also was looking around
the internet, found that you

304
00:20:34,679 –> 00:20:42,449
talk about a new wave coming over
America and around the internet,

305
00:20:42,770 –> 00:20:45,330
it’s called the TradWife movement.

306
00:20:45,850 –> 00:20:54,030
And this kind of blew me away that
there are so many women out there

307
00:20:54,030 –> 00:20:56,360
thinking about being traditional.

308
00:20:56,360 –> 00:20:59,639
And, uh, could you cover
that for us, please?

309
00:20:59,840 –> 00:21:01,250
Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, absolutely.

310
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So, you know, I think there’s,

311
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so a couple of things, one thing
is, you know, I think more people

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00:21:13,540 –> 00:21:18,280
are looking to kind of slow down and
focus on what’s important in life.

313
00:21:20,325 –> 00:21:25,685
You know, this kind of push of towards,
you know, more money, more jobs, acquiring

314
00:21:25,695 –> 00:21:29,875
more stuff, and kind of push, push,
push, push, push, I want to say since

315
00:21:29,925 –> 00:21:35,435
COVID, it was kind of like the great
reset in a way of like, you know, at the

316
00:21:35,435 –> 00:21:37,114
end of the day, what does it all mean?

317
00:21:37,124 –> 00:21:38,344
What is really important?

318
00:21:38,405 –> 00:21:39,705
What really matters?

319
00:21:40,374 –> 00:21:44,824
Um, and kind of going back to, you
know, at the end of the day, if you

320
00:21:44,844 –> 00:21:50,804
have people who love you, you have a
family that you can pour into, um, and

321
00:21:50,815 –> 00:21:55,425
more of that, like focus on, I guess
what you would call more of that kind of

322
00:21:55,485 –> 00:21:59,524
traditional values of, you know, at the
end of the day, isn’t it about family?

323
00:21:59,534 –> 00:22:00,735
Isn’t it about community?

324
00:22:00,735 –> 00:22:05,625
Isn’t it about living a life that
you can, you can be proud of, right?

325
00:22:05,655 –> 00:22:08,534
It’s not just look how
much stuff I have, right?

326
00:22:09,365 –> 00:22:16,764
Um, so, you know, and it’s, it’s
funny because like anything,

327
00:22:16,794 –> 00:22:19,395
everything can get capitalized on.

328
00:22:20,064 –> 00:22:24,474
Um, so I think what I saw is there’s
this super desire for like slowing

329
00:22:24,485 –> 00:22:28,415
back down, getting more in touch with
nature, getting more in touch with,

330
00:22:28,485 –> 00:22:33,960
you know, um, your relationships,
your family, nurturing back to that.

331
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And then of course there are the
people that are going to capitalize

332
00:22:36,530 –> 00:22:41,709
on it and turn it into a, you know,
something they can make money off of.

333
00:22:42,249 –> 00:22:46,030
Um, so there is kind of a TradWife
movement of women who are,

334
00:22:48,179 –> 00:22:52,119
you know, showing that they can be,
you know, stay at home, bake bread

335
00:22:52,119 –> 00:22:54,149
from scratch, raise their children.

336
00:22:54,509 –> 00:23:03,270
Um, and I guess I want to be careful
because some of it is, um, is it, it’s

337
00:23:03,290 –> 00:23:07,200
an actual, um, like industry, right?

338
00:23:07,260 –> 00:23:09,960
So these women are actually
making a lot of money doing that.

339
00:23:10,460 –> 00:23:14,250
Um, but then there’s off,
of course, always the,

340
00:23:16,340 –> 00:23:21,289
there are actually those people that have
always focused on those core values and

341
00:23:21,289 –> 00:23:24,530
having those strong kind of families,

342
00:23:25,090 –> 00:23:26,949
um, strong relationships.

343
00:23:26,949 –> 00:23:28,899
That that’s their primary
investment, right?

344
00:23:29,030 –> 00:23:33,110
And so that traditional value of, at the
end of the day, so what if you have all

345
00:23:33,110 –> 00:23:36,450
the money in the world if you don’t have
time to spend with your family, right?

346
00:23:36,450 –> 00:23:40,940
So what if you have the coolest car, or
the biggest, baddest job, or, you know,

347
00:23:41,050 –> 00:23:46,040
whatever, you just got some award, if your
wife doesn’t like you or your husband,

348
00:23:46,040 –> 00:23:50,780
and you haven’t had a conversation about
anything real in ten years, you know?

349
00:23:50,955 –> 00:23:56,274
Um, and so I am seeing a resurgence,
especially among younger generations

350
00:23:56,274 –> 00:23:59,485
of people that are kind of being
reminded that, like at the end of

351
00:23:59,524 –> 00:24:03,084
the day, we don’t want to spend our
whole lives working just to work.

352
00:24:03,804 –> 00:24:07,875
What is the quality of our lives
and what does the quality of

353
00:24:07,875 –> 00:24:08,975
our relationships look like?

354
00:24:09,675 –> 00:24:12,531
And that’s something I find so
encouraging is, you know, at the end

355
00:24:12,531 –> 00:24:16,684
of the day, having the choice to stay
at, you know, having the luxury to be

356
00:24:16,685 –> 00:24:20,714
able to have one parent stay at home
and raise the kids or take time off.

357
00:24:21,154 –> 00:24:26,500
Um, I mean, that’s, that’s also
something that I think, um, we need to

358
00:24:26,629 –> 00:24:31,069
really talk about is, you know, where’s
the support system for this, right?

359
00:24:31,069 –> 00:24:35,219
Where’s the community that protects
and helps these families that

360
00:24:35,250 –> 00:24:36,649
want to have that lifestyle?

361
00:24:36,709 –> 00:24:42,339
Otherwise, it’s super hard, um, which
is a shame because, you know, you

362
00:24:42,339 –> 00:24:45,759
should be able to make the choice
that works for your family and

363
00:24:45,759 –> 00:24:49,220
have a society that supports you.

364
00:24:49,750 –> 00:24:53,405
So anyway, that was a very long
winded answer, but you know?

365
00:24:55,104 –> 00:24:56,274
Ed Watters: That, that’s great.

366
00:24:56,274 –> 00:24:59,314
You know, that, that’s
what a podcast truly is.

367
00:24:59,714 –> 00:25:06,675
Uh, it’s a great thing to think about
because, bottom line, each of us are

368
00:25:06,675 –> 00:25:12,864
responsible for our own relationships
and we kind of knit together this

369
00:25:13,125 –> 00:25:16,395
concept or a bag to hold it all in.

370
00:25:16,635 –> 00:25:25,054
And basically you carry your own bag
and what you make that bag is unique.

371
00:25:25,064 –> 00:25:31,435
And I don’t care what John and
Susie does, that’s their business.

372
00:25:31,860 –> 00:25:40,070
I really want to concentrate on what I
do and how I treat others, regardless of

373
00:25:40,070 –> 00:25:43,980
their race, religion, sexual orientation.

374
00:25:44,310 –> 00:25:48,849
You know, that’s none of my business,
that’s between them and whoever

375
00:25:48,849 –> 00:25:54,350
they have to be together with, you
know, that’s none of my business.

376
00:25:54,350 –> 00:26:00,209
And I truly think a lot of this
is part of that slowing down.

377
00:26:00,310 –> 00:26:03,419
Don’t get caught into the hype of media.

378
00:26:03,900 –> 00:26:08,260
People are trying to make money
off of division, that’s for sure.

379
00:26:08,679 –> 00:26:15,019
And I really think a good conversation,
even between you and somebody

380
00:26:15,019 –> 00:26:20,449
that you might not agree with is
always going to prevail and show

381
00:26:20,449 –> 00:26:23,679
you you’re not so far divided.

382
00:26:23,749 –> 00:26:31,009
You think the same, you actually walk
a lot of the same values, it’s just,

383
00:26:31,009 –> 00:26:36,600
you want your bag to be unique and
I think we need to remember that.

384
00:26:38,230 –> 00:26:38,440
Kristal DeSantis: Yeah.

385
00:26:38,440 –> 00:26:44,960
And that’s really what I, I highlight in
my book is, you know, every relationship

386
00:26:44,970 –> 00:26:47,739
has to be a bespoke relationship, right?

387
00:26:47,740 –> 00:26:50,159
It’s tailor made for you and your partner.

388
00:26:50,760 –> 00:26:55,310
And you know, that’s, that’s
kind of a little bit of a mindset

389
00:26:56,379 –> 00:26:58,000
shift for a lot of people.

390
00:26:58,449 –> 00:27:04,504
Because what I found is there are people
that feel like, well, no, there’s a

391
00:27:04,504 –> 00:27:06,114
script I’m supposed to follow, right?

392
00:27:06,114 –> 00:27:09,364
You grow up, you go to high school,
you go to college, you get a job, you

393
00:27:09,364 –> 00:27:10,904
find a partner, you have, you know?

394
00:27:10,904 –> 00:27:15,594
And it’s like, at what point do you
need to sit back and say, Hold on,

395
00:27:15,634 –> 00:27:17,264
what is it that I actually want?

396
00:27:18,064 –> 00:27:20,754
And what kind of life do
I actually want to create?

397
00:27:21,404 –> 00:27:25,405
Um, And again, these fundamentals
of a healthy relationship, like

398
00:27:25,405 –> 00:27:27,955
you said, like communication, it’s
going to be valuable no matter

399
00:27:27,955 –> 00:27:29,745
what kind of setup you have, right?

400
00:27:29,745 –> 00:27:33,685
If you both work, if you stay
home, if you have two kids, have

401
00:27:33,694 –> 00:27:37,154
three kids, have no kids, have, you
know, whatever, it doesn’t matter.

402
00:27:37,544 –> 00:27:42,184
Having those fundamentals where you
both feel safe, you trust each other,

403
00:27:42,254 –> 00:27:46,114
you respect each other, you can be open
with each other, you know, you nurture

404
00:27:46,114 –> 00:27:49,574
each other’s hopes and dreams, and
then ultimately you feel generously,

405
00:27:49,605 –> 00:27:51,364
you know, you have each other’s backs.

406
00:27:51,634 –> 00:27:53,554
Um, and yeah.

407
00:27:54,294 –> 00:27:59,465
You know, also I think that’s
something when you take that personal

408
00:27:59,465 –> 00:28:03,834
accountability to say, It’s also my job
to show up that way in my relationship.

409
00:28:04,424 –> 00:28:09,804
Um, it really kind of brings it back home
to, are you ready to be in a relationship?

410
00:28:09,824 –> 00:28:13,464
Are you ready to do the work to invest
in having a healthy relationship?

411
00:28:13,824 –> 00:28:17,854
Or are you kind of just quote
unquote following the next step of

412
00:28:17,854 –> 00:28:20,914
what you think people are supposed
to do at this stage in life?

413
00:28:20,945 –> 00:28:22,024
Oh gosh, I’m twenty-five.

414
00:28:22,044 –> 00:28:27,645
I should probably, like, do it
well or don’t do it, you know?

415
00:28:28,294 –> 00:28:34,134
Um, because you deserve, again, like I
see so many people, um, and, you know,

416
00:28:34,134 –> 00:28:38,835
part of my passion population is working
with first responders and veterans.

417
00:28:38,995 –> 00:28:43,339
And, you know, here are some people
that have some of the most fundamental

418
00:28:43,340 –> 00:28:45,090
foundational jobs of our society.

419
00:28:45,550 –> 00:28:50,080
And seeing the impact that a healthy
relationship has on the mental

420
00:28:50,080 –> 00:28:53,519
health, the physical health, the
emotional health, the stress level of

421
00:28:53,519 –> 00:28:56,389
somebody who’s doing a job like that,

422
00:28:56,889 –> 00:28:59,759
you see how important healthy
relationships are, right?

423
00:28:59,979 –> 00:29:06,764
And so again, no matter what job you do,
your, the quality of your relationships

424
00:29:06,804 –> 00:29:10,674
will determine the quality of your
life in so many different ways, right?

425
00:29:10,675 –> 00:29:13,104
Your personal relationships,
your relationships with your

426
00:29:13,134 –> 00:29:16,254
children, your relationships with
your friends, your coworkers.

427
00:29:16,705 –> 00:29:21,980
Um, so just giving yourself kind
of that reminder that investing in

428
00:29:21,990 –> 00:29:25,710
your relationship skills, your skills
for communication, your listening

429
00:29:25,710 –> 00:29:29,650
skills, um, your skills for critical
thinking and being able to talk to

430
00:29:29,650 –> 00:29:32,840
somebody who has a different opinion
than you, um, because believe it or

431
00:29:32,840 –> 00:29:35,639
not, you and your partner are going
to be two different people, right?

432
00:29:35,639 –> 00:29:37,080
You’re going to have
two different opinions.

433
00:29:37,080 –> 00:29:45,189
Um, so really committing to developing
those skills for yourself, um, you

434
00:29:45,189 –> 00:29:50,360
know, for the sake of your own health,
your own, you know, mental, relational,

435
00:29:50,399 –> 00:29:54,639
emotional health and wellness, um, is
always just going to be a good investment.

436
00:29:55,410 –> 00:29:57,660
Ed Watters: Yeah, I, I
really agree with that.

437
00:29:57,870 –> 00:30:05,360
You know, and I see a lot today where
it, we have this like grade school

438
00:30:05,360 –> 00:30:10,870
mentality or high school mentality
going along with our society.

439
00:30:10,900 –> 00:30:16,400
And I, I think that’s really
shameful because it shows a lower

440
00:30:16,400 –> 00:30:18,440
emotional intelligence level.

441
00:30:18,440 –> 00:30:25,395
And I, I really, I expect more from
our country than what I’ve been seeing.

442
00:30:26,065 –> 00:30:31,754
And, and I think a good
relationship is always a higher

443
00:30:31,754 –> 00:30:34,095
emotional intelligence level.

444
00:30:34,385 –> 00:30:39,715
And when you work on that, you’re going
to really enjoy your relationship.

445
00:30:40,425 –> 00:30:52,330
We, we now have so much intent on our
relationship, we, we do it with intent.

446
00:30:52,610 –> 00:30:58,620
And each week we carve out special
time just for our relationship,

447
00:30:58,630 –> 00:31:00,779
our communication skill.

448
00:31:01,010 –> 00:31:06,129
We, we actually read books each week.

449
00:31:06,560 –> 00:31:14,110
Uh, we take turns reading to each other
and this actually helps us apply a model

450
00:31:14,550 –> 00:31:21,080
to speak and communicate about what
we just talked about or read about.

451
00:31:21,630 –> 00:31:27,980
And I think living with that intention
is very important and it’s going to

452
00:31:28,190 –> 00:31:34,080
allow people to grow that emotional
intelligence level when they really

453
00:31:34,080 –> 00:31:38,570
put focus on your relationship intent.

454
00:31:39,515 –> 00:31:40,115
Kristal DeSantis: Absolutely.

455
00:31:40,645 –> 00:31:42,475
Yes, so much.

456
00:31:42,635 –> 00:31:48,184
You know, it’s, it’s so interesting how
much, um, and I, I love to hear that.

457
00:31:48,265 –> 00:31:54,104
I love, I love hearing from people who,
um, recognize that, you know, having a

458
00:31:54,105 –> 00:31:57,295
healthy relationship takes intentionality.

459
00:31:57,335 –> 00:32:02,205
It takes investment, um, it takes
effort, but it doesn’t necessarily

460
00:32:02,205 –> 00:32:04,430
have to be like, you know, hard work.

461
00:32:04,890 –> 00:32:07,930
It can be like your life’s work, right?

462
00:32:07,970 –> 00:32:13,259
But it can be super fulfilling, um, but
it’s not, it’s not nothing, you know?

463
00:32:13,360 –> 00:32:19,940
And that’s what, um, I see so often is,
there’s this emphasis on dating, right?

464
00:32:19,970 –> 00:32:22,629
There’s this emphasis on
like, you know, how to get a

465
00:32:22,629 –> 00:32:24,870
partner, how to find a person.

466
00:32:25,320 –> 00:32:30,625
Um, And there’s not enough on,
well, how do you keep that person?

467
00:32:30,625 –> 00:32:32,675
How do you keep that relationship healthy?

468
00:32:32,685 –> 00:32:39,725
Like, you know, it’d be like, if all
of the career advice was only about

469
00:32:39,725 –> 00:32:43,425
getting the interview, it’s like, well,
then you have to keep the job, right?

470
00:32:43,854 –> 00:32:48,200
Um, and so that’s also where I would
hope that people start to think

471
00:32:48,200 –> 00:32:51,690
of relationships differently it’s
like, you know, it’s not, and then

472
00:32:51,690 –> 00:32:53,690
they met happily ever after the end.

473
00:32:53,850 –> 00:32:56,270
It’s like, that’s really
the start of the story.

474
00:33:00,620 –> 00:33:00,800
Ed Watters: Yeah.

475
00:33:00,800 –> 00:33:02,720
I can’t agree more, Kristal.

476
00:33:03,080 –> 00:33:06,920
You know, it’s funny how things change.

477
00:33:06,950 –> 00:33:10,480
Time equals change no matter who you are.

478
00:33:10,980 –> 00:33:18,030
So tell us about your services that
you offer people and how, how do people

479
00:33:18,330 –> 00:33:20,220
get ahold of you to work with you?

480
00:33:20,900 –> 00:33:24,260
Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, so right
now I’m only licensed in Texas.

481
00:33:24,600 –> 00:33:29,720
Um, so I can do therapy in
Texas, but, you know, I put out

482
00:33:29,720 –> 00:33:32,180
a lot of stuff on my Instagram.

483
00:33:32,740 –> 00:33:35,180
Um, that’s not therapy, but
it’s more like psychoeducation.

484
00:33:35,810 –> 00:33:40,409
I talk about, you know, I share any
kind of resources I find, other book

485
00:33:40,410 –> 00:33:42,429
recommendations, movie recommendations.

486
00:33:42,850 –> 00:33:45,550
Um, I try to, you know, be a connector.

487
00:33:45,550 –> 00:33:48,720
And if somebody reaches out to me
from somewhere outside of Texas,

488
00:33:49,230 –> 00:33:53,150
um, I have a really good network
among my therapist friends.

489
00:33:53,170 –> 00:33:55,399
So, you know, please reach out to me.

490
00:33:55,400 –> 00:33:58,940
I’ll hook you up with somebody
in your area, um, or lead

491
00:33:58,940 –> 00:34:00,740
you to some online resources.

492
00:34:01,289 –> 00:34:05,230
Because, you know, I’m really passionate
about this work and especially for men.

493
00:34:06,075 –> 00:34:10,345
I know I’m a woman and, you know, I
have my own little niche, but there are

494
00:34:10,345 –> 00:34:14,715
so many men out there, like yourself,
who are helping to elevate men.

495
00:34:16,225 –> 00:34:20,915
And so, you know, I’m always kind
of creating a database of resources

496
00:34:20,945 –> 00:34:24,715
for men who want to do the work
of, you know, improving their

497
00:34:24,715 –> 00:34:28,644
relationship skills, improving their
communication, how to be a good listener.

498
00:34:29,054 –> 00:34:33,364
Um, so yeah, people are free to reach
out to me on Instagram @ATX therapist.

499
00:34:33,384 –> 00:34:37,405
If you’re in Texas and you want to
work with me, um, I have a practice

500
00:34:37,425 –> 00:34:40,215
that’s virtual and in person in Austin.

501
00:34:40,625 –> 00:34:43,535
Um, my website is just strong.love.

502
00:34:44,190 –> 00:34:47,950
And then, of course, I have my book,
you know, which again, I’m all about

503
00:34:47,960 –> 00:34:50,340
sharing the information, um, hopefully.

504
00:34:50,380 –> 00:34:55,370
Not everybody can access therapy,
um, you know, it’s, it’s still not

505
00:34:55,370 –> 00:34:56,880
always the easiest thing to get.

506
00:34:56,880 –> 00:35:01,140
So I wanted to make sure I could, I
could, you know, put as much as I could

507
00:35:01,140 –> 00:35:04,939
in this book, so that if, you know,
there’s a self motivated man out there

508
00:35:05,060 –> 00:35:07,880
who’s like, Gosh, I just don’t have the
time to go to therapy, or I, you know,

509
00:35:07,880 –> 00:35:12,865
I just can’t find the right fit, um,
you know, here’s, here’s some skills,

510
00:35:12,875 –> 00:35:14,635
here’s a starter, here’s a primer.

511
00:35:15,105 –> 00:35:17,825
Um, so yeah, my book is on Amazon.

512
00:35:17,825 –> 00:35:19,485
I also did an Audible.

513
00:35:19,575 –> 00:35:23,254
So, you know, if you’re on a
long drive or something, you can

514
00:35:23,254 –> 00:35:25,175
listen to it at your leisure.

515
00:35:27,084 –> 00:35:28,015
Ed Watters: Yeah, that’s great.

516
00:35:28,044 –> 00:35:34,135
You know, and, and a big thing about books
and, you know, Audible and all of these

517
00:35:34,135 –> 00:35:43,010
videos, a man can sit incognito and help
himself without letting his friends know.

518
00:35:43,160 –> 00:35:49,280
See, and that, that’s a big thing
to start the development is to give

519
00:35:49,290 –> 00:35:53,589
them the place to be without eyes on.

520
00:35:53,890 –> 00:35:57,680
So I think what you’re doing
is very important, Kristal.

521
00:35:58,240 –> 00:36:01,999
Uh, do you have a call to
action for our listeners today?

522
00:36:02,389 –> 00:36:02,649
Kristal DeSantis: Yeah.

523
00:36:02,649 –> 00:36:08,280
I would say whatever step you take
to invest in yourself, um, take it.

524
00:36:08,520 –> 00:36:12,490
And if it starts with the call to action
of getting this book and, and reading

525
00:36:12,490 –> 00:36:19,169
it, um, or sharing this podcast with a
friend, or, you know, um, listening to

526
00:36:19,169 –> 00:36:24,599
the, to the rest of your podcasts, do,
do one thing that will take you in the

527
00:36:24,599 –> 00:36:26,929
direction of the type of relationships
that you want to have in your life.

528
00:36:29,300 –> 00:36:34,900
You know, one thing I’ve seen with a
lot of men is they really tend to be

529
00:36:34,915 –> 00:36:38,585
in the position where they, you know,
it’s, it’s really interesting because for

530
00:36:38,585 –> 00:36:42,474
all the narrative that like all men are
so selfish and, you know, narcissistic

531
00:36:42,474 –> 00:36:44,075
and there’s a lot of that noise out there.

532
00:36:44,075 –> 00:36:47,754
What my experience has been is often
men struggle to put themselves first

533
00:36:48,125 –> 00:36:51,555
to, to give themselves the same kind
of care that they would want to give

534
00:36:51,895 –> 00:36:53,374
to somebody else that they love.

535
00:36:53,734 –> 00:36:56,605
And so that’s really the call to
action I would say is, you know,

536
00:36:57,140 –> 00:37:00,280
Give yourself the kind of support
that you would give to a friend.

537
00:37:00,730 –> 00:37:04,570
You know, if you’re struggling, if
you’re feeling a little confused in

538
00:37:04,570 –> 00:37:07,580
your relationship, maybe again, you’re
like, I’m trying to do everything right.

539
00:37:07,580 –> 00:37:09,150
Why isn’t my partner helping?

540
00:37:09,529 –> 00:37:13,140
Um, you know, take that seriously
and do yourself a favor and,

541
00:37:13,150 –> 00:37:17,379
you know, get my book or start
looking at some resources because,

542
00:37:17,650 –> 00:37:19,290
you know, you deserve to have a good life.

543
00:37:19,340 –> 00:37:22,470
You deserve to have a healthy
relationship, um, and you deserve to

544
00:37:22,470 –> 00:37:25,030
feel empowered and competent, right?

545
00:37:25,580 –> 00:37:31,380
Feeling competent as a man can
be really, um, mentally a real

546
00:37:31,680 –> 00:37:33,949
positive mental state, right?

547
00:37:33,949 –> 00:37:35,650
Feeling powerful, feeling competent.

548
00:37:36,990 –> 00:37:40,610
So if you don’t feel like that,
take it seriously and reach out.

549
00:37:42,200 –> 00:37:43,170
Ed Watters: Yeah, I like it.

550
00:37:43,530 –> 00:37:48,990
Uh, Kristal, it’s been a good
conversation today and I want to say

551
00:37:49,009 –> 00:37:54,800
thank you for sharing with us and being
here today with us on the podcast.

552
00:37:55,640 –> 00:37:58,211
Kristal DeSantis: Yeah, thank
you so much for having me.

553
00:37:58,271 –> 00:37:59,969
Ed Watters: Thank you
for joining us today.

554
00:38:00,590 –> 00:38:06,810
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,

555
00:38:07,580 –> 00:38:13,955
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another

556
00:38:13,965 –> 00:38:16,905
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.

557
00:38:17,655 –> 00:38:23,185
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.