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To overcome, you must educate.

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Educate not only yourself, but
educate anyone seeking to learn.

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We are all Dead America,
we can all learn something.

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To learn, we must challenge
what we already understand.

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The way we do that is
through conversation.

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Sometimes we have conversations with
others, however, some of the best

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conversations happen with ourselves.

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Reach out and challenge yourself; let’s
dive in and learn something new right now.

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Today, we have a different
sort of episode for you.

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It is not our regular day,
nor is it our regular format.

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I am especially excited today because
today I have with me my wife, Theresa.

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Theresa, can you say hi?

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Hello.

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All right.

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Now, today we are presenting an
episode in conjunction with Podcasthon.

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And we chose the non profit
organization to support, RAINN.

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Let me highlight you on RAINN’s mission.

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RAINN is an acronym, stands for Rape,
Abuse, and Incest National Network.

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RAINN is the nation’s largest
anti sexual violence organization.

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RAINN created and operates the
National Sexual Assault Hotline.

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You can reach them twenty-four
hours a day at 1-800- 656-HOPE.

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That’s 4673.

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1-800-656-4673. You can also chat with
them online at rainn, R, A, I, N, N .org.

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In partnership with more than 1, 000 local
sexual assault service providers across

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the country and operates the DOD Safe
Helpline for the Department of Defense.

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RAINN also carries out programs
to prevent sexual violence,

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help survivors, and ensure that
perpetrators are brought to justice.

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This is why we, as a couple,
chose to come together to

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support RAINN during Podcasthon.

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Without further ado, let’s
get into today’s episode.

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Every sixty-eight seconds, an
American is sexually assaulted.

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And every nine minutes,
that victim is a child.

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Meanwhile, only 25 out of every 1, 000
perpetrators will end up in prison.

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Do we see something wrong with that?

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Every day, hundreds of Americans
are affected by sexual violence.

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This doesn’t just mean the
victim, I’m talking ripple effect.

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And this can carry on forever,
generation after generation.

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And as long as nobody is willing to
stand up and really look at the scope

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of this problem, victims of sexual
violence, child and teen victims,

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they will continue to be harmed.

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And generations to come will
be affected by that harm.

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My wife, Theresa, she went
through major assaults as a child.

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And I can say after many, many
years of struggling, we are finally

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starting to get a grip on the
problems that we face as a couple.

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Not only because of her
sexual predator, but my own.

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I faced sexual predators of my own,
my family, and outside of the family.

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Theresa,

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how did it make you feel all of those
years because of your sexual predator?

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Angry, hurt, humiliated, kind of, they
make you want to feel like you’re the

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only one that it’s happening to, so
you don’t want to speak out to anybody.

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Or else, or else they intimidate you
and make you afraid to speak out.

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So when we met,

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we kind of had an idea of
what each other went through.

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But all those years, there was
this closet effect with us.

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And we really didn’t communicate
effectively about our problems.

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And that really escalated
into some bad times for us.

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What

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did it make you feel like when
I was part of those problems?

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Well, I guess I’d say confused.

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I felt like maybe I was unlovable
and that you didn’t love me because

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my dad gave me the message that
nobody was ever going to love me.

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So that created a lot of
confusion and contention

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because I was thinking the things
that you were doing were because

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it was something I was doing.

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Yeah, that’s big right there.

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You know that, because that was also in
my mind with what I was going through.

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And I did not realize that until, heck, we
were in our fifties at that point in time.

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And that’s when I really started
understanding deeper into, not

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only your problems, because I
was avoiding my own at the same

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time, kind of, I guess I would say

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trying to avoid them, because
of what we’ve learned now about

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that shame/guilt association
with problems that we go through.

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So I, I really think that’s big.

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You know, after going through all of that,
do you think there’s a better way that we

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could have communicated with each other
about what was happening in our life?

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Yeah.

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Um, I think the biggest thing was

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fear because we were afraid of
what each other would think about

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us if we opened up and talked
about what happened with us and,

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losing family members and things
like that because of how we

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felt and how we understood.

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Yeah, I guess, and a lot of it was not
knowing how to communicate it properly.

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I mean, you get so much anger and
confusion, you tend to just want to

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lash out instead of slow down and
think about what you want to say.

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That was big because, you know, that
puts you kind of in that repetitive

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loop and you only get so far in the
conversation and then it collapses.

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So we, we spent years in that cycle
and understanding how to get out

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of it wasn’t easy for either of us.

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Because we found no help anywhere
to explain these things in any way.

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I’m really glad that you got into
podcasting because through your

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podcasting, you was able to speak with
some psychologists and counselors and

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find some good self help books that we
ordered and we’ve been going through.

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And it’s been helping us to identify
our feelings and emotions and to

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be able to speak about the things
that we’ve went through without,

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you know, a bunch of embarrassment.

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And more understanding about what it is
that we went through and how our families

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affected the way we felt about ourselves.

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Yeah, not only our families, but
everything and everyone around us.

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That brings up my muddy shoe, of course.

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You know, life is like a muddy trail and
people, places, and things in our life,

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that’s the mud that we’re walking through.

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And that can get very heavy
because sometimes we don’t

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know how to deal with it.

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Well, just like if you’re on a muddy
trail, there’s rocks and tree branches

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that you can wipe that mud off.

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And really, we found out wiping
that mud off, making it lighter

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and easier to walk the mud, it,
it really does make a difference.

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So in essence, what we’re dealing with is

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finding out it’s okay to let
people, places, and things go.

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We get bound up in these things and it can
really make our personal life a struggle

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because we really looked at all of that
stuff as guidance because we don’t know.

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There’s not a manual for any of this.

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And, and, you know, when
you go through these

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sexual assaults and sexual immoralities,
all of these things that really hurt

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because you don’t feel that the people
closest to you should treat us that way.

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But through our walk, we’ve found that

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people are only doing what people do.

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And you know, sometimes

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it’s, it’s your choice whether you
forgive them or let them go for a while.

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Uh, it’s really interesting the
walk that you have to do to help

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recover after sexual assault.

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Well, personally, you know, throughout
my childhood, it was always pushed

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on me, you know, expected of
me that oh, you should forgive.

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And, you know, it’s okay if you don’t
want to be around, especially if they’re

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a family member, if you don’t want to
be around them, you don’t have to be.

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And it’s okay to not
have them in your life.

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And to me, forgiveness isn’t
something that can be expected of

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you or make you feel guilty about.

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It is something for you to, to
come to a place where you can just

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let it go and live your life as
happy as possible that you can.

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Yeah, that’s big right there.

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You know, because it is
ultimately your choice.

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And that’s your power right
there against the perpetrator.

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You, you feel stuck.

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I mean, really, because finances or
whatever, there’s always something

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that makes you get into that
Stockholm Syndrome type thing where

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you feel like you have to be there.

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And that’s not the case at all once you
empower yourself with your own choice.

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Like with me and you, I don’t
make your choices, you have

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to make your own choices.

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But we found out that those choices
that you make, you have to actually

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live up to and be accountable for.

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And that goes for me too.

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You know, once you step into that
ownership position of, no, this is

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my life and only I can drive the bus.

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And this is a good time to,
you know, throw that Drive

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Your Own Darn Bus by Julia out.

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And, you know, we will actually
throw a link to that in the

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show notes for today’s episode.

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Because this is one of the big
things that helped us understand

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getting into that driver’s seat.

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Especially you.

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You know, because this is a gal that
took time to really outline those,

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those things that are important.

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So how important were those books and
even the podcasts that we listened to?

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Well, speaking of books,
another good one is called The

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Courage to Heal by Laura Davis.

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And if you want you can
put a link to that one too.

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Yep.

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And

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I find them really important because
they taught me a lot of stuff

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about dealing with triggers, and
dealing with emotions, and how to

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communicate them appropriately, and

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how to just take care of yourself.

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And like I said, the podcasts were
really helpful because they helped us

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to find and learn about these books.

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Yeah, you know, when I started the
podcast, I was still so angry about

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everything that happened to me.

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You know, not only my injury, but
losing my mother, and, you know,

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losing like my manhood, I felt.

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I, I, I just felt that everything I
had to give was, you know, tied up

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into fixing things and going to work
and being that head of maintenance.

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And then when I lost it all, it was,
it really put me through turmoil.

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So,

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you know, podcasting really helped
me release and figure out that

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we’re not alone in any of this.

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Not only was I going through, you know,
the issues with my own life, I was still

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dealing with the responsibility for you
and my leadership role in our family.

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And not understanding how I was going
to be able to provide that is huge.

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But yet I take that particular time as
the moment I was crushed into rubble.

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And then God started putting in His mix
to create that solid foundation where

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I can now stand on truth and logic and
really understand, my position is much

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less than what I really thought it was.

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And I, I think if people understand
that they have to give some things up

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to achieve happiness, it’s really big.

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Now with all of that being
said, our struggles and our

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life has been filled with this

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sexual,

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I don’t even know what to call it,

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Dysfunction?

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Dysfunction.

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That’s a good word for it.

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You know, because we didn’t know half
as much as, not even a quarter of

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the amount that we thought we knew.

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And when we were seventeen and ready
to dive into life together, that,

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that was a big part of stepping
out of that old troubled life.

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And we put expectations on our new life
before we even knew who and what we were.

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So

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why I highlight that is because of the
ripple effect in the sexual assault and

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violence, especially against children.

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We, we could carry on and give
so many stories about this, but I

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really think that it’s important
to highlight what RAINN does and

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some of the definitions that are
related to a lot of this dysfunction.

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So let’s take some time here, unless you
have anything else to add at this time.

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No.

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OK.

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So let’s take and look at some of
this, the types of sexual violence.

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All of this can be found on
rainn.org, that’s R, A, I, N, N.org.

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The website that they have is very
informative and it is loaded with

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resources and information to help you
combat the sexual violence in your world.

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The term sexual violence is an
all encompassing, non legal term

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that refers to crimes like sexual
assault, rape, and sexual abuse.

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Many of these crimes are described
below and we’re going to look

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at a few of these in detail.

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Number one, sexual assault.

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Number two, child sexual abuse.

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Three, sexual assault of men and boys.

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Number four, Intimate
partner sexual violence.

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Number five, incest.

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00:22:49,904 –> 00:22:54,545
Number six, drug
facilitated sexual assault.

221
00:22:57,205 –> 00:23:00,205
So, let’s dive in and
look at some of those.

222
00:23:01,024 –> 00:23:03,085
First, sexual assault.

223
00:23:06,065 –> 00:23:09,475
Sexual assault can take
many different forms.

224
00:23:09,875 –> 00:23:14,764
But one thing remains the same,
it’s never the victim’s fault.

225
00:23:15,955 –> 00:23:22,134
That’s so true, as we found
out, because that, you know, can

226
00:23:22,145 –> 00:23:26,335
sometimes make people feel that
there’s something wrong with them.

227
00:23:27,605 –> 00:23:27,984
Yeah.

228
00:23:28,894 –> 00:23:36,214
Some people have a lot of guilt
and or shame, and it keeps them

229
00:23:36,254 –> 00:23:37,854
from wanting to talk about it.

230
00:23:38,279 –> 00:23:47,380
And even, they feel guilt because they’re
afraid, like, it might split their parents

231
00:23:47,429 –> 00:23:49,840
up and they might get the blame, or

232
00:23:50,529 –> 00:23:51,020
Big one.

233
00:23:52,250 –> 00:23:56,229
you know, or they did
something to cause it.

234
00:23:57,960 –> 00:23:58,510
And

235
00:24:00,534 –> 00:24:06,725
these people need to know that,
you know, they did not do anything

236
00:24:06,735 –> 00:24:09,054
to cause what happened to them.

237
00:24:10,355 –> 00:24:12,875
You know, and to even carry that further,

238
00:24:14,945 –> 00:24:23,034
I, I have questions about the
mentality of the perpetrators.

239
00:24:23,454 –> 00:24:31,675
And, you know, it’s definite
in our experience that

240
00:24:34,555 –> 00:24:39,605
it really felt malicious in many ways.

241
00:24:40,435 –> 00:24:48,990
How your perpetrator kind of came
against us after we got married

242
00:24:48,990 –> 00:24:57,690
and you were out of the house, you
know, the, the vile tactics just

243
00:24:58,600 –> 00:25:02,949
kept coming instead of support.

244
00:25:03,739 –> 00:25:07,690
We got shamed, and, uh,

245
00:25:07,719 –> 00:25:07,889
Judged.

246
00:25:09,179 –> 00:25:12,659
judged, and mocked, ridiculed.

247
00:25:12,920 –> 00:25:21,199
It, it, it really is a point
in time that is confusing.

248
00:25:21,229 –> 00:25:31,019
And, you know, being young and
getting married, for that to happen,

249
00:25:32,409 –> 00:25:39,560
it was just very confusing and
conflicting in many ways because

250
00:25:42,015 –> 00:25:48,835
being young, you know, some of that blame
went on to you because it was your family.

251
00:25:49,715 –> 00:26:00,965
You know, and that, that was really wrong
for me to think because, you know, you had

252
00:26:00,965 –> 00:26:04,995
nothing to do with what they were doing.

253
00:26:05,415 –> 00:26:09,155
But I didn’t have that.

254
00:26:10,630 –> 00:26:12,980
Just kind of felt stuck because

255
00:26:15,890 –> 00:26:22,830
I continued to let it happen, so in a way
you felt like you had to continue to let

256
00:26:22,830 –> 00:26:29,260
it happen because you didn’t want to cause
a rift and then cause me to be angry.

257
00:26:29,280 –> 00:26:35,160
But you know, that’s when I figured
out, you know, it’s not wrong to

258
00:26:35,190 –> 00:26:41,595
separate you from, separate yourself
from someone who’s causing you harm

259
00:26:43,095 –> 00:26:52,575
so you can feel safe and protected and
have peace and calm in your own family.

260
00:26:53,984 –> 00:26:57,395
I mean, you don’t have to put
yourself through that hurt just

261
00:26:57,405 –> 00:26:59,545
because they are a family member.

262
00:27:00,015 –> 00:27:05,245
And that’s good advice because it took
you until you were in your fifties

263
00:27:06,285 –> 00:27:06,805
Yeah.

264
00:27:06,905 –> 00:27:08,285
to figure that out.

265
00:27:09,535 –> 00:27:11,005
And, you know,

266
00:27:13,015 –> 00:27:20,094
trying to figure out how to help
you see that, was very frustrating.

267
00:27:21,345 –> 00:27:26,535
Well, that goes into,
well, this person claimed,

268
00:27:30,145 –> 00:27:35,254
after all the abuse happened, they
decide, oh, they’re a Christian.

269
00:27:35,485 –> 00:27:42,814
And there was a lot of guilt
placed on me about forgiving.

270
00:27:43,185 –> 00:27:46,184
Oh, you’re not a good
person if you don’t forgive.

271
00:27:46,244 –> 00:27:49,054
And you’ll go to hell
if you don’t forgive.

272
00:27:49,294 –> 00:27:54,304
And that’s why I was saying,
Forgiveness can’t be expected

273
00:27:54,304 –> 00:27:58,059
or, put a lot of guilt on you.

274
00:27:58,100 –> 00:28:05,139
You have to be able to heal and come
to a place of forgiveness on your own.

275
00:28:06,199 –> 00:28:11,169
Yeah, you can never tell when the
forgiveness is going to happen.

276
00:28:11,839 –> 00:28:17,059
So you really just have to heal yourself.

277
00:28:17,100 –> 00:28:22,919
It’s not up to other people to make you
happy, you have to do that yourself.

278
00:28:23,399 –> 00:28:29,254
We’ve made a poster to hang on
your wall to remind you of that.

279
00:28:30,124 –> 00:28:34,534
So let’s get back into the list.

280
00:28:35,124 –> 00:28:39,234
Uh, it says, what is sexual assault?

281
00:28:39,234 –> 00:28:40,705
I think this is good here.

282
00:28:41,165 –> 00:28:49,834
The term sexual assault refers to
sexual contact or behavior that occurs

283
00:28:49,844 –> 00:28:53,655
without explicit consent of the victim.

284
00:28:54,485 –> 00:29:04,044
Some forms of sexual assault include, but
not limited to, attempted rape, fondling

285
00:29:04,064 –> 00:29:13,024
or unwanted sexual touching, forcing a
victim to perform sexual acts such as oral

286
00:29:13,024 –> 00:29:17,665
sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body.

287
00:29:19,605 –> 00:29:24,034
Penetration of the victim’s
body, also known as rape.

288
00:29:24,965 –> 00:29:28,014
And I want to add to that a little bit.

289
00:29:28,725 –> 00:29:35,085
I think that just the gesture
of calling out, you know, it’s

290
00:29:35,085 –> 00:29:37,514
called cat calling, I think.

291
00:29:38,085 –> 00:29:42,475
You know, and men and women do it now.

292
00:29:42,475 –> 00:29:48,524
It, it, where they just think that
it’s alright to, Hey, that’s some fine

293
00:29:48,544 –> 00:29:51,504
ass, or something like that, you know?

294
00:29:51,844 –> 00:30:01,339
That also should be considered
sexual abuse or sexual assault,

295
00:30:02,199 –> 00:30:08,599
you know, it’s unwanted and it’s
a sexual gesture towards someone.

296
00:30:08,949 –> 00:30:15,169
So once we start really diving
in, we can actually understand

297
00:30:16,679 –> 00:30:24,859
you have to control how you think,
act, and feel in this world today.

298
00:30:26,379 –> 00:30:30,659
Uh, next, child sexual abuse.

299
00:30:32,049 –> 00:30:37,109
When a perpetrator intentionally
harms a minor physically,

300
00:30:38,114 –> 00:30:42,754
psychologically, sexually,
or by acts of neglect, the

301
00:30:42,754 –> 00:30:45,704
crime is known as child abuse.

302
00:30:47,974 –> 00:30:51,334
What is child sexual abuse?

303
00:30:52,404 –> 00:30:57,735
Child sexual abuse is a form
of child abuse that includes

304
00:30:58,354 –> 00:31:01,184
sexual activity with a minor.

305
00:31:02,164 –> 00:31:07,844
A child cannot consent to any
form of sexual activity, period.

306
00:31:08,494 –> 00:31:13,579
When a perpetrator engages with a
child this way, they are committing

307
00:31:13,579 –> 00:31:19,329
a crime that can have lasting
effects on the victim for years.

308
00:31:20,209 –> 00:31:25,919
Child sexual abuse does not
need to include physical contact

309
00:31:26,159 –> 00:31:29,279
between a perpetrator and a child.

310
00:31:29,929 –> 00:31:38,599
Some forms of child sexual abuse include,
but are not limited to, exhibitionism, or

311
00:31:38,609 –> 00:31:43,429
exposing oneself to a minor, fondling,

312
00:31:44,229 –> 00:31:49,309
intercourse, masturbation in
the presence of a minor or

313
00:31:49,319 –> 00:31:52,169
forcing the minor to masturbate.

314
00:31:53,099 –> 00:32:00,799
Obscene conversations, phone calls,
text messages, or digital interaction.

315
00:32:02,079 –> 00:32:09,559
Producing, owning, or sharing
pornographic images or movies of a child.

316
00:32:11,629 –> 00:32:17,259
Sex of any kind with a minor
including vaginal, oral, or anal.

317
00:32:18,714 –> 00:32:26,624
Sex trafficking, any other contact of
sexual nature that involves a minor.

318
00:32:28,644 –> 00:32:33,834
And the page goes on, and I think
this is really important to highlight.

319
00:32:34,434 –> 00:32:40,294
What do perpetrators of
child sexual abuse look like?

320
00:32:41,804 –> 00:32:42,964
That’s pretty easy.

321
00:32:42,964 –> 00:32:50,374
You can’t really tell, you
know, but there is a lot of

322
00:32:50,374 –> 00:32:53,084
information here that outlines it.

323
00:32:56,259 –> 00:33:00,079
So again, we are on rainn.org.

324
00:33:00,469 –> 00:33:03,589
R, A, I, N, N.org.

325
00:33:04,079 –> 00:33:12,129
And we are sharing information
about sexual abuse and rape, these

326
00:33:12,419 –> 00:33:16,929
violent things that happen to us.

327
00:33:18,079 –> 00:33:19,109
Let’s carry on.

328
00:33:19,359 –> 00:33:22,949
Sexual assault of men and boys.

329
00:33:24,369 –> 00:33:27,799
Sexual assault can happen to anyone.

330
00:33:28,229 –> 00:33:34,319
Men and boys who have been sexually
assaulted or abused may have many of

331
00:33:34,329 –> 00:33:40,369
the same feelings and reactions as
other survivors of sexual assault,

332
00:33:40,949 –> 00:33:46,329
but they may also face some additional
challenges because of social attitudes

333
00:33:46,579 –> 00:33:50,659
and stereotypes about men and masculinity.

334
00:33:51,509 –> 00:33:59,039
I can tell you this is big and just
like any other of that shame, guilt,

335
00:34:00,539 –> 00:34:04,199
men are subject to that same feeling.

336
00:34:05,229 –> 00:34:12,759
But I really feel that it’s much
harder for us to just come to grasp

337
00:34:12,819 –> 00:34:16,179
with what has actually happened to us.

338
00:34:16,689 –> 00:34:18,719
And that’s my own opinion.

339
00:34:18,739 –> 00:34:25,399
I don’t want to under play any
abuse, especially to children.

340
00:34:26,619 –> 00:34:33,869
But just by nature and that
masculinity profile stereotyping,

341
00:34:34,649 –> 00:34:37,899
it does have this weight to it.

342
00:34:39,289 –> 00:34:48,789
And I’m sure any sort of rape does,
but I think more men really need

343
00:34:48,869 –> 00:34:57,749
to stand up and highlight their
history with this type of abuse.

344
00:34:58,059 –> 00:35:07,824
I think it can help other men
and boys come out of the hurt and

345
00:35:08,284 –> 00:35:11,754
hate that this can really cause.

346
00:35:12,684 –> 00:35:20,054
There’s a lot of information on RAINN
about this and, you know, it also says

347
00:35:20,064 –> 00:35:26,034
the same thing, who are the perpetrators
of sexual assault against men and boys?

348
00:35:27,619 –> 00:35:34,909
Well, over ninety percent of children
and teen survivors know the perpetrator

349
00:35:34,919 –> 00:35:36,989
who abused or assaulted them.

350
00:35:37,769 –> 00:35:44,069
Among adult survivors of rape,
eighty percent know the perpetrator.

351
00:35:45,304 –> 00:35:50,524
Sexual offenders may use physical
force or coercion tactics

352
00:35:50,644 –> 00:35:53,174
to facilitate their crimes.

353
00:35:53,604 –> 00:35:59,724
The next up is, intimate
partner sexual violence.

354
00:36:01,609 –> 00:36:10,179
Sexual violence most often is perpetrated
by someone a survivor knows, and this

355
00:36:10,179 –> 00:36:13,429
includes intimate partner relationships.

356
00:36:13,839 –> 00:36:18,479
There are many different terms to
refer to sexual violence that occurs

357
00:36:18,729 –> 00:36:25,019
within intimate partnerships, including
intimate partner sexual violence,

358
00:36:25,699 –> 00:36:33,169
domestic violence, intimate partner
rape, marital rape, and spousal rape.

359
00:36:33,919 –> 00:36:40,309
No matter what term is used or how
the relationship is defined, it

360
00:36:40,309 –> 00:36:47,129
is never okay to engage in sexual
activity without someone’s consent.

361
00:36:47,849 –> 00:36:49,309
I think this is big here.

362
00:36:50,009 –> 00:36:58,604
You know, because for a long time, just me
being able to touch you in a sexual way,

363
00:37:00,844 –> 00:37:02,884
it bothered you at times.

364
00:37:03,354 –> 00:37:10,684
And this is another one of those
ripple things as we get in deeper

365
00:37:10,724 –> 00:37:13,754
to what this actually does.

366
00:37:14,214 –> 00:37:20,574
You still, to this day, sometimes
don’t like to be touched.

367
00:37:20,894 –> 00:37:26,584
And for a long time, that made me angry.

368
00:37:26,674 –> 00:37:33,264
You know, it was offensive to me,
it hurt me and I felt that you

369
00:37:33,634 –> 00:37:37,054
somehow had something against me.

370
00:37:37,644 –> 00:37:45,234
However, I did not take into
account what had happened and how

371
00:37:45,304 –> 00:37:49,384
that could make you feel that way.

372
00:37:50,409 –> 00:37:59,369
So I really think that it’s important for
couples to realize, to give that space and

373
00:37:59,389 –> 00:38:07,619
time and recognize and actually outline
to your partner, this is your body and

374
00:38:07,619 –> 00:38:13,089
your space and yes, I want to honor that.

375
00:38:13,699 –> 00:38:14,039
Yeah.

376
00:38:14,039 –> 00:38:21,519
And I think another thing where that,
that is important, where communication

377
00:38:21,619 –> 00:38:28,689
is concerned is, for the person that
experienced that to open up to their

378
00:38:28,689 –> 00:38:35,079
partner and say, you know, this
isn’t anything personal against you,

379
00:38:35,079 –> 00:38:41,389
but I’m just feeling triggered, or
having a bad day or a bad time, or

380
00:38:41,390 –> 00:38:45,759
something stirred up a bad memory.

381
00:38:46,199 –> 00:38:50,139
I’m just not feeling like I
want to be touched right now.

382
00:38:51,069 –> 00:38:56,239
So to open up and communicate that
way, I think would help a lot.

383
00:38:57,659 –> 00:38:58,789
Yeah, I agree.

384
00:38:58,869 –> 00:39:01,479
You know, uh, communication.

385
00:39:02,049 –> 00:39:07,949
Especially when that has
occurred in your life is really

386
00:39:08,589 –> 00:39:12,299
at the utmost of importance.

387
00:39:13,309 –> 00:39:20,749
Because you need to know who your
partner is, the, the deep, dark secrets.

388
00:39:21,949 –> 00:39:23,579
They can’t be secret.

389
00:39:23,589 –> 00:39:28,779
They have to come out so your
partner understands who you are.

390
00:39:29,289 –> 00:39:31,199
Without that knowledge,

391
00:39:33,224 –> 00:39:38,334
you’re really battling some things and
you don’t know what you’re battling.

392
00:39:39,824 –> 00:39:48,414
So, you know, to be intimate with
your partner is a very positive thing.

393
00:39:49,644 –> 00:39:56,794
But because of sexual violence, rape,
you know, just these intolerable

394
00:39:56,804 –> 00:39:59,344
things that occur in our life,

395
00:40:00,174 –> 00:40:06,954
it can be very difficult later
in life when you want to be

396
00:40:06,954 –> 00:40:08,534
intimate with your partner.

397
00:40:09,054 –> 00:40:19,574
And restoring that, it does really take
that buffer zone and really letting your

398
00:40:19,594 –> 00:40:23,384
partner know that, Hey, I understand.

399
00:40:24,004 –> 00:40:25,114
It’s okay.

400
00:40:25,714 –> 00:40:33,794
And take that time to trust me
and understand I’m here for you.

401
00:40:34,534 –> 00:40:35,854
I think it’s really big.

402
00:40:37,804 –> 00:40:40,204
Let’s move on to the next one.

403
00:40:41,274 –> 00:40:42,454
This is a big one.

404
00:40:42,494 –> 00:40:43,504
Incest.

405
00:40:44,454 –> 00:40:51,274
If you’ve ever experienced sexual abuse
by a family member, you are not alone.

406
00:40:51,944 –> 00:40:54,844
And what happened to
you is not your fault.

407
00:40:55,614 –> 00:41:01,874
While it may be difficult to talk
about, you should know that it is

408
00:41:01,874 –> 00:41:05,714
an issue that impacts many people.

409
00:41:06,734 –> 00:41:14,824
The majority of juvenile victims know the
perpetrator, and approximately thirty-four

410
00:41:14,844 –> 00:41:22,824
percent of perpetrators in cases of
child sexual abuse are family members.

411
00:41:24,499 –> 00:41:32,799
While incest is often underreported,
RAINN frequently offers support to

412
00:41:32,799 –> 00:41:39,559
survivors of incest of all ages through
the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

413
00:41:40,109 –> 00:41:44,469
If you want to talk to someone
confidentially about what you

414
00:41:44,470 –> 00:41:49,912
are going through, visit online.

415
00:41:49,912 –> 00:41:58,709
rainn.org anytime, 24/7, to speak
with a RAINN support specialist.

416
00:42:00,699 –> 00:42:03,139
What is incest?

417
00:42:03,969 –> 00:42:08,969
The term incest refers to sexual
contact between family members.

418
00:42:10,629 –> 00:42:17,259
Laws vary from state to state regarding
what constitutes crimes of incest, child

419
00:42:17,259 –> 00:42:21,169
sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape.

420
00:42:21,869 –> 00:42:29,539
Regardless of state laws, unwanted
sexual contact from a family member can

421
00:42:29,539 –> 00:42:33,409
have lasting effects on the survivor.

422
00:42:35,329 –> 00:42:46,999
I can tell you from my family’s
experience, this breaks families apart.

423
00:42:47,759 –> 00:42:50,249
And it

424
00:42:52,849 –> 00:43:00,659
puts a distrust in the
victim and the perpetrator.

425
00:43:01,959 –> 00:43:07,599
It’s really funny how that might
sound, but it is very true.

426
00:43:08,849 –> 00:43:15,319
Once that occurs, there’s
a distrust factor.

427
00:43:15,349 –> 00:43:15,439
And

428
00:43:19,184 –> 00:43:26,024
it goes back to that shame, guilt,
kind of pulling the covers over things,

429
00:43:26,024 –> 00:43:29,034
hiding it, sweeping it under the rug.

430
00:43:32,614 –> 00:43:42,544
And, and incest is very hard to deal
with, especially when the parents

431
00:43:42,544 –> 00:43:48,529
themselves have been molested and abused.

432
00:43:49,299 –> 00:43:55,379
And that gets back into that generational
curse, it just keeps happening.

433
00:43:56,169 –> 00:44:02,559
And that’s why it’s so important
that we all figure out how to talk

434
00:44:02,569 –> 00:44:05,649
about these things with each other.

435
00:44:07,379 –> 00:44:12,499
We can prevent a lot
of this from occurring

436
00:44:13,314 –> 00:44:15,294
by educating others.

437
00:44:15,684 –> 00:44:19,224
And that’s what we’re doing
today, discussing this.

438
00:44:19,224 –> 00:44:28,454
This was not easy for Theresa to
actually record an episode with me.

439
00:44:29,574 –> 00:44:37,994
But it does show you that through that
hard work and baby stepping it in, you

440
00:44:37,994 –> 00:44:46,334
can find that comfort, that safe zone
where you can start releasing it and

441
00:44:47,284 –> 00:44:50,354
exploring more comfort in your life.

442
00:44:51,014 –> 00:44:53,094
And there’s many ways to do that.

443
00:44:54,004 –> 00:44:56,494
Let’s go on a little more here.

444
00:44:57,414 –> 00:45:03,464
The next is, drug
facilitated sexual assault.

445
00:45:04,964 –> 00:45:13,294
In cases of drug facilitated sexual
assault, survivors often blame themselves.

446
00:45:14,294 –> 00:45:16,944
Remember, you are not to blame.

447
00:45:17,324 –> 00:45:21,464
You are the only one allowed
to make choices for your body.

448
00:45:22,394 –> 00:45:29,564
Using drugs or alcohol is never
an excuse for assault and does

449
00:45:29,564 –> 00:45:33,034
not mean that it was your fault.

450
00:45:34,614 –> 00:45:38,304
What is drug facilitated sexual assault?

451
00:45:39,364 –> 00:45:45,064
Drug facilitated sexual assault
occurs when alcohol or drugs are

452
00:45:45,064 –> 00:45:53,344
used to compromise an individual’s
ability to consent to sexual activity.

453
00:45:54,174 –> 00:46:00,534
These substances make it easier for a
perpetrator to commit sexual assault

454
00:46:00,554 –> 00:46:06,404
because they lower inhibitions,
reduce a person’s ability to

455
00:46:06,404 –> 00:46:13,014
resist, and can prevent them from
remembering details of the assault.

456
00:46:14,274 –> 00:46:21,149
Drugs and alcohol can cause diminished
capacity, a legal term that varies

457
00:46:21,469 –> 00:46:23,849
in definition from state to state.

458
00:46:25,009 –> 00:46:30,989
You may have heard the term date
rape drugs to refer to substances

459
00:46:31,349 –> 00:46:36,729
that perpetrators use to commit
sexual assault, such as roofies.

460
00:46:37,409 –> 00:46:42,799
Alcohol is the most common
substance used to perpetrate

461
00:46:42,809 –> 00:46:45,309
drug facilitated sexual assault.

462
00:46:46,259 –> 00:46:51,909
Drug facilitated sexual assault
can happen to anyone, by anyone,

463
00:46:52,699 –> 00:46:58,659
whether the perpetrator is an
intimate partner, stranger, or

464
00:46:58,809 –> 00:47:01,849
someone you’ve known for a lifetime.

465
00:47:02,699 –> 00:47:07,939
How often does sexual assault
occur in the United States?

466
00:47:10,089 –> 00:47:18,774
The number of people victimized
each year: inmates, 80,600 were

467
00:47:18,774 –> 00:47:21,254
sexually assaulted or raped.

468
00:47:22,614 –> 00:47:32,524
Children, 60,000 were victims of
substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.

469
00:47:33,524 –> 00:47:47,064
General public, 433,648
Americans twelve and older, were

470
00:47:47,064 –> 00:47:49,234
sexually assaulted or raped.

471
00:47:51,434 –> 00:48:00,764
The military, 18,900, experienced
unwanted sexual contact.

472
00:48:02,544 –> 00:48:09,104
Nine out of every ten
victims of rape are female.

473
00:48:12,679 –> 00:48:16,839
17. 7 million American women as of 1998.

474
00:48:16,969 –> 00:48:18,399
Ten

475
00:48:21,639 –> 00:48:23,199
percent are male.

476
00:48:23,200 –> 00:48:30,589
2. 78 million American men as of 1998.

477
00:48:30,589 –> 00:48:36,939
Here’s a breakdown of locations
where sexual assault occurs.

478
00:48:38,004 –> 00:48:43,054
The majority of sexual assaults
occur at or near the victim’s home.

479
00:48:43,974 –> 00:48:48,314
Fifty-five percent at or
near the victim’s home.

480
00:48:49,354 –> 00:48:53,954
Fifteen percent in an open public space.

481
00:48:55,274 –> 00:48:59,144
Twelve percent at or
near a relative’s home.

482
00:49:00,654 –> 00:49:09,459
Ten percent in an enclosed but public
area, such as a parking lot or a garage.

483
00:49:10,519 –> 00:49:15,149
Eight percent on school property.

484
00:49:16,249 –> 00:49:22,899
I just want to say something right here,
because it’s saying a lot of them occurs

485
00:49:22,919 –> 00:49:25,869
in a victim’s home or a relative’s home.

486
00:49:26,889 –> 00:49:37,174
And when victims are in a space
where they’re in a lot of denial,

487
00:49:38,794 –> 00:49:42,284
it opens this up to continue.

488
00:49:42,304 –> 00:49:47,834
Because when they become adults
and have children of their own,

489
00:49:48,834 –> 00:49:58,689
then they go to family gatherings
or they allow the perpetrators to,

490
00:49:59,509 –> 00:50:08,859
uh, babysit or take their children
to places like outings or whatever.

491
00:50:09,849 –> 00:50:15,269
And I just want to say, It’s
okay to not let that happen.

492
00:50:15,279 –> 00:50:19,349
You can, you should
protect your children and

493
00:50:21,449 –> 00:50:28,969
Put boundaries and say, No, it’s not okay
for you to babysit my child or to take

494
00:50:29,109 –> 00:50:36,599
my child somewhere, you know, like a zoo
or whatever they want to take them to.

495
00:50:39,579 –> 00:50:43,419
You should never leave your children
alone with somebody like that.

496
00:50:44,279 –> 00:50:47,969
Yes, you are ultimately
responsible for your children.

497
00:50:48,969 –> 00:50:56,999
And it should be you or your spouse,
that, that’s the only people that

498
00:50:57,009 –> 00:50:58,849
should be alone with your children.

499
00:51:00,059 –> 00:51:08,539
And you know, there are so many more
statistics to just compound the problem.

500
00:51:09,259 –> 00:51:11,959
You know, it’s, it’s everywhere.

501
00:51:12,429 –> 00:51:22,969
It happens to rich, poor, strong, weak,
able, disabled, you know, it’s across

502
00:51:22,979 –> 00:51:27,759
all genders, it extends all race.

503
00:51:28,489 –> 00:51:34,439
There are no boundaries or
limits to the problems occurring

504
00:51:34,729 –> 00:51:36,529
because of sexual assault.

505
00:51:37,739 –> 00:51:43,999
As we said at the very beginning,
every sixty-eight seconds an

506
00:51:43,999 –> 00:51:46,769
American is sexually assaulted.

507
00:51:47,789 –> 00:51:52,159
The majority of sexual assault
victims are under thirty.

508
00:51:53,169 –> 00:51:57,289
Fifteen percent age twelve to seventeen.

509
00:51:57,289 –> 00:51:57,839
Fifty-four

510
00:51:59,979 –> 00:52:07,029
percent of sexual assault
victims, eighteen to thirty-four.

511
00:52:09,544 –> 00:52:13,264
Twenty-eight percent
thirty-five to sixty-four.

512
00:52:14,864 –> 00:52:16,474
And then three percent

513
00:52:18,664 –> 00:52:20,954
age sixty-five plus.

514
00:52:21,994 –> 00:52:26,684
It’s also known that women
and girls experience sexual

515
00:52:26,694 –> 00:52:29,834
violence at higher rates.

516
00:52:30,644 –> 00:52:37,114
One out of every six American women
has been the victim of an attempted

517
00:52:37,124 –> 00:52:40,734
or completed rape in her lifetime.

518
00:52:41,714 –> 00:52:46,724
14. 8 percent completed, 2.

519
00:52:46,774 –> 00:52:48,714
8 percent attempted.

520
00:52:50,184 –> 00:52:54,054
Men and boys are also
affected by sexual violence.

521
00:52:55,204 –> 00:53:01,134
Males, age eighteen to twenty-four,
who are college students, are

522
00:53:01,134 –> 00:53:07,304
approximately five times more likely
than non students of the same age to

523
00:53:07,304 –> 00:53:10,814
be victim of rape or sexual assault.

524
00:53:11,124 –> 00:53:14,004
I find that kind of interesting.

525
00:53:15,054 –> 00:53:17,494
Is that because of the
college environment?

526
00:53:18,754 –> 00:53:22,534
It’s, it’s a question to be
thinking about and asking.

527
00:53:23,284 –> 00:53:27,214
Native Americans are at the greatest risk

528
00:53:27,584 –> 00:53:29,594
of sexual violence.

529
00:53:29,974 –> 00:53:35,604
On average, American Indians
age twelve and older experience

530
00:53:35,924 –> 00:53:40,134
5,900 sexual assaults per year.

531
00:53:41,814 –> 00:53:50,634
Every nine minutes, Child Protective
Services substantiates or finds evidence

532
00:53:50,644 –> 00:53:54,404
for a claim of child sexual abuse.

533
00:53:55,459 –> 00:54:02,159
Of all victims under eighteen, two out
of three are ages twelve to seventeen.

534
00:54:02,909 –> 00:54:11,399
About the predators, half of the
predators are thirty or older.

535
00:54:13,589 –> 00:54:17,859
Twenty-five percent are
twenty-one through twenty-nine.

536
00:54:19,389 –> 00:54:23,699
Nine percent are eighteen through twenty.

537
00:54:25,314 –> 00:54:31,694
And there’s a whopping fifteen
percent are seventeen or younger.

538
00:54:32,904 –> 00:54:36,204
Now this is very interesting here also.

539
00:54:36,204 –> 00:54:38,724
The race of perpetrators.

540
00:54:39,314 –> 00:54:46,154
A lot of people often assume that
blacks are the higher percentile

541
00:54:46,154 –> 00:54:48,544
when it comes to crimes like this.

542
00:54:49,014 –> 00:54:51,544
That is not true.

543
00:54:52,184 –> 00:55:00,114
Fifty-seven percent are white, while
only twenty-seven percent are black.

544
00:55:00,864 –> 00:55:08,284
More than half of all alleged rapists
have at least one prior conviction.

545
00:55:10,694 –> 00:55:17,624
Suspects who are released pre
trial often commit new crimes.

546
00:55:19,259 –> 00:55:24,829
With that being said, the criminal
justice system statistics state

547
00:55:25,739 –> 00:55:31,249
the vast majority of perpetrators
will not go to jail or prison.

548
00:55:31,949 –> 00:55:42,399
Out of every 1, 000 sexual assaults,
975 perpetrators will walk free.

549
00:55:44,179 –> 00:55:47,689
Out of 1, 000 assault and battery crimes,

550
00:55:49,969 –> 00:55:56,099
627 are reported to police, and only 255

551
00:55:58,529 –> 00:56:01,359
reports lead to arrest.

552
00:56:02,689 –> 00:56:07,649
On campus sexual violence statistics.

553
00:56:08,939 –> 00:56:16,019
Women, age eighteen to twenty-four, are
at an elevated risk of sexual violence.

554
00:56:19,119 –> 00:56:24,809
Sexual violence is more prevalent
at college compared to other crimes.

555
00:56:25,319 –> 00:56:33,609
College age victims of sexual violence
often do not report to law enforcement.

556
00:56:35,519 –> 00:56:43,994
I think that’s very important
that people understand reporting

557
00:56:43,994 –> 00:56:47,484
these things is very important.

558
00:56:48,274 –> 00:56:51,314
No matter who it is, why it is.

559
00:56:53,364 –> 00:57:00,734
If we are unwilling to stand
up against this sort of thing,

560
00:57:02,974 –> 00:57:09,364
it’s only going to get worse
and worse as time goes on.

561
00:57:10,769 –> 00:57:17,169
There’s a lot of argument that
I’ve heard, well, you can’t

562
00:57:17,179 –> 00:57:19,889
report it if somebody’s innocent.

563
00:57:21,579 –> 00:57:27,619
But I’ve found out that that’s really
the job of the justice system to find

564
00:57:27,629 –> 00:57:31,659
out who’s guilty, who’s innocent.

565
00:57:32,829 –> 00:57:41,149
And if we’re unwilling to use the
system, or the mechanisms that

566
00:57:41,299 –> 00:57:49,139
we’ve established by law, then
these perpetrators have already won.

567
00:57:51,799 –> 00:57:53,359
With that being said,

568
00:57:55,839 –> 00:58:02,349
I really feel that it is very
important to highlight this type

569
00:58:02,369 –> 00:58:06,249
of subject in our world today.

570
00:58:07,634 –> 00:58:13,494
And I want to say thank you to my
beautiful wife, Theresa, for stepping

571
00:58:13,494 –> 00:58:19,524
up to the plate and helping me highlight
these problems because I don’t think

572
00:58:19,524 –> 00:58:21,144
I would have done it without her.

573
00:58:21,994 –> 00:58:27,864
So in closing, do you have
anything else you want to share

574
00:58:28,904 –> 00:58:31,934
about any of this, Theresa?

575
00:58:33,549 –> 00:58:39,869
Well, I just add to what you were
saying about we need to stand up and,

576
00:58:41,709 –> 00:58:48,309
for ourselves and speak out, you know,
even if you can’t get a family member

577
00:58:48,349 –> 00:58:53,429
to believe you or listen to you, there
are other people to reach out like

578
00:58:53,429 –> 00:59:04,729
this rainn.org, or a teacher, a pastor,
a close friend or a friend’s family.

579
00:59:06,399 –> 00:59:11,209
Somebody to reach out
to or even the police.

580
00:59:12,539 –> 00:59:15,459
Just whoever you can get to listen to you.

581
00:59:16,709 –> 00:59:21,419
Yeah, because sometimes it is
very difficult to navigate.

582
00:59:21,849 –> 00:59:24,239
Well, not sometimes, always.

583
00:59:24,729 –> 00:59:27,749
And help is always a blessing.

584
00:59:27,809 –> 00:59:27,939
Yeah.

585
00:59:28,419 –> 00:59:29,059
Alright.

586
00:59:29,059 –> 00:59:37,439
With that, I ask that you go to
rainn.org, that’s R, A, I, N, N.org.

587
00:59:39,009 –> 00:59:45,919
Support them, and support each other
by getting involved, standing up.

588
00:59:46,069 –> 00:59:46,839
And

589
00:59:49,760 –> 00:59:55,340
thank you for listening and have a
great afternoon no matter where you are.

590
00:59:58,990 –> 01:00:00,730
Thank you for joining us today.

591
01:00:01,310 –> 01:00:07,560
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,

592
01:00:08,340 –> 01:00:14,710
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another

593
01:00:14,730 –> 01:00:18,030
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.

594
01:00:18,420 –> 01:00:23,950
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.