Dead America Podcast

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Unlocking Healthy Relationships

In%20this%20episode%20of%20the%20Dead%20America%20Podcast%2C%20host%20Ed%20Watters%20engages%20in%20a%20meaningful%20conversation%20with%20Sharon%20Costanzo%2C%20a%20relationship%20coach%20and%20host%20of%20the%20podcast%20’Respected%20and%20Connected.’%20Sharon%20shares%20her%20journey%20from%20facing%20challenges%20in%20traditional%20couples%20counseling%20to%20becoming%20a%20relationship%20coach.%20She%20emphasizes%20the%20importance%20of%20communication%2C%20challenging%20societal%20norms%2C%20and%20respecting%20differences%20within%20relationships.%20The%20discussion%20covers%20various%20aspects%20such%20as%20how%20religious%20differences%20impact%20relationships%2C%20the%20value%20of%20self-awareness%2C%20and%20the%20benefits%20of%20shared%20experiences%20among%20couples.%20Sharon%20also%20discusses%20the%20role%20of%20therapy%20and%20the%20importance%20of%20seeking%20help%20when%20needed.%20This%20episode%20offers%20listeners%20valuable%20insights%20into%20improving%20their%20relationships%20through%20understanding%2C%20empathy%2C%20and%20effective%20communication.%0A%0A00%3A00%20Introduction%3A%20The%20Power%20of%20Education%0A00%3A55%20Meet%20Sharon%20Costanzo%3A%20Relationship%20Coach%20and%20Podcast%20Host%0A01%3A26%20Challenging%20Relationship%20Norms%0A04%3A20%20Religion%20and%20Relationships%0A09%3A51%20The%20Importance%20of%20Communication%0A14%3A54%20Understanding%20and%20Addressing%20Personal%20Baggage%0A17%3A48%20Couples%20Support%20and%20Shared%20Experiences%0A39%3A09%20The%20Role%20of%20Truth%20and%20Directness%20in%20Relationships%0A40%3A59%20Seeking%20Help%20and%20Continuous%20Learning%0A43%3A47%20Conclusion%20and%20Call%20to%20Action

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Ed Watters: To overcome, you must educate.

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Educate not only yourself, but
educate anyone seeking to learn.

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We are all Dead America,
we can all learn something.

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To learn, we must challenge
what we already understand.

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The way we do that is
through conversation.

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Sometimes we have conversations with
others, however, some of the best

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conversations happen with ourselves.

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Reach out and challenge yourself; let’s
dive in and learn something new right now.

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Today we are speaking
with Sharon Costanzo.

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She is a relationship coach,
a podcast host, her podcast,

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Respected and Connected.

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Sharon, could you please introduce
yourself and let people know just

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a little more about you, please?

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Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

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So I, um, I started my podcast several
years ago, several, three and a half years

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ago, which seems like a lifetime ago now.

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So much has happened in the last three
and a half years, just in our world.

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And, um, but you know, when I started
my relationship coaching business

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and then my podcast, I felt like
there was this kind of gap in the

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way that we talk about relationships.

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And there’s a lot of, kind of chatter
about, well, there’s nothing you can

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really do if you’re in a relationship with
someone and the relationship is difficult.

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There’s not really much choice you
have, you can either just put up

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with it and deal with it, or you
can walk away from the relationship.

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That’s what I was seeing.

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I was struggling in, with some issues
in my own relationship and trying

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to get help, um, with traditional
couples counseling and I was kind

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of feeling the same, same way.

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There were some difficulties
in my relationship that I felt

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like were really intolerable.

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Um, nothing to the extent of,
you know, the big, the big things

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that we hear about, you know,
infidelity, or abuse, or addiction.

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None of those things were really the
big challenge in our relationship,

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but we just weren’t seeing eye to eye.

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We weren’t working through
things the way that I thought was

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satisfactory and going to a couple’s
counselor wasn’t really helping.

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We were just kind of smoothing things
over, not really getting to the heart of

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the issue, and not really learning how to
address our differences in a way that felt

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really respectful and kind to both of us.

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Um, I feel like there is, there’s a lot
of, kind of chatter in, in our culture

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about, you know, either women need to be
really passive and accommodating, or they

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can be kind of little feisty bitches.

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Like, there’s no middle ground here
in what people can do when they’re

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not happy in their relationships.

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And so figuring, figuring some of
those things out, kind of challenging

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some norms, learning some different
tools for communicating, for resolving

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conflict, all of that really became
the foundation of my work and what

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I help individuals and couples with.

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Kind of that, you know, not going to
either one of those extremes, but how

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can we really find some middle ground
and land in a place where we both feel

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like we have a voice in the relationship
and we both feel really valued and,

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and seen within our relationships.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, I appreciate that a lot.

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Relationship is the key to everything.

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And the big thing is communication.

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If you cannot communicate effectively,
your relationship will not be

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effective so we have to remember that.

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Yes, you have to, like you
stated, challenge the norms,

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the traditions of our society.

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On my research, I noticed
you came up Mormon.

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And that, that can really affect a
lot of relationships in many ways

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when we put our relationship below
our relationship with our religion.

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And, you know, now, now many people
get that mixed up because there’s a

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relationship with God and then there’s
a relationship with the church.

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And it’s totally different.

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And many people run from God because of
the implications coming from the church.

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And I find that disturbing in
so many ways, it causes divorce

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and I am so against that.

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I’ve went, I came up Mormon.

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I was raised Mormon so I know
the values within the religion.

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And I do not mock any religion at
all, I, I think religion is necessary.

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And I, I really want to start there
with our conversation because I’m

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interested in what your take is on
religion within your relationship.

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Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

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Well, and that’s a great question
and nobody has really ever

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asked me that directly before.

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I, I, I’ve kind of talked about it
a little bit, but, but, um, I was

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twenty-seven when I got married.

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I have talked about that part,
which is pretty old for a Mormon

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girl growing up in the nineties.

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Um, I always thought I would get
married when I was twenty, like my

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mom did and my grandma did, you know?

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I would just go straight from my
parents home into my, my husband’s

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home and, and that’s just not
the way it worked out for me.

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I, I, I studied engineering in school,
so I have two engineering degrees.

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And what I have shared before is,
as soon as I, as soon as people saw,

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oh, she’s going to college to like
have a career and a profession, not

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just to find a husband, my dating
prospects really shrunk dramatically.

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Um, and by the time I graduated
with my master’s degree

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and purchased my own home, I just
remember I went on a lot of first

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dates and not very many second dates
because most of the, the LDS Mormon

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guys I was, I was surrounded by just
weren’t looking for a woman like me.

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And I ended up meeting my husband at work.

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And he’s not an active member of
the LDS church, which was kind of

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something that we, you know, kind of
were, we were interested in each other

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and it was like, Oh, how does this work?

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The Mormon church really teaches
very strongly to marry somebody

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who’s also active in the church
and believes the same as you.

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And you get married in the temple
and you have this, this ideal,

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what we call a celestial marriage.

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Um, but I was like, I really
want to get married and I

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really want to have a family.

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The guys who are interested in
me, I’m, I’m not interested in.

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The guys who I’m interested
in, aren’t interested in me.

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Here’s this other choice,
um, with my husband.

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And I, I felt strongly that, that
God blessed that choice for me to

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kind of not follow the Mormon script
and get married in the temple.

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So we got married, I was
twenty-seven, he was twenty-nine,

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and, and we started our family.

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And I think because I started my
marriage knowing that it was going

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to be different than what the church
taught, and knowing and having this

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conviction that it was going to be okay
regardless, my husband and I have always

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been very respectful of each other

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in our differences and how we,
you know, practice our faith.

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My husband’s not really a
religious person in any way.

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I still attend the LDS church, um, and
I, I said this recently to some people

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in my family, the reasons why I go to
church are much different than a lot

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of the reasons why most of the people
I go to church with go to church.

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Um, but my kids are eight and nine
and they attend church with me.

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So for me, in my relationship,
that is one of the ways where

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I kind of have challenged the
norms, I guess you could say.

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And, um, and I do, I feel strongly
that, that God is okay with that.

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That God, you know, the, the reason
for religion is not to check all of the

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boxes so that we can get back to God,

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it’s to provide some structure
and community and a set

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of shared moral values.

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And my husband has also been
really respectful of me and

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my decisions to go to church.

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You know, we don’t fight
each other on that issue.

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He doesn’t say, Oh, I really
think you should stay home today.

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I really don’t think you
should make the kids go.

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And I also don’t say, I really think
you should be at church with us.

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You know, that’s just not part
of how our relationship works.

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You know, and of course, like I said,
we’ve been to therapy and counseling

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for many other issues in our marriage,
but our religious differences

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have not been an issue for us.

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Ed Watters: That’s really good to hear.

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You know, because we are
created in the image of God.

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And we’ve got to remember that God
tells us to come before the bold, excuse

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me, come before the throne boldly and
that’s when you’re going to get heard.

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And men were created in the image of God,
but woman was also created in the image

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of God and that applies to them also.

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So what is bound above is bound below
and those same principles apply.

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So when we are not willing to listen
to our wife, we’re not listening

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to what is commanded of us by God.

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And it’s important that we
understand that as men, because so

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many men want to harness a woman.

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And the intelligence of a woman
is so needed in our world.

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And our relationship as man and
woman, I feel, is a combined effort.

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It’s not 50/50, it’s not 60/40, it
is definitely, the day will tell you

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what you need to provide for the day.

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And that’s how you live day to day.

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And accept that, hey, if my
wife can provide this service,

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sometimes even better than I,
why should I complain about that?

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I’m all in.

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And the role of a husband is not
only to protect, it’s to provide

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that moral support that a wife needs
to know who she is, understand her

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wants, her needs, so she can come and
boldly present them to her husband.

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Where it’s not a complaint, it’s not
crying to, it is actually, Hey, I have

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this issue and we need to address it.

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That is perfect communication.

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And it should never turn into hostilities,
which so many men want to turn it into.

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This is big what you’re
talking about in your line of,

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uh, exploration, if you will.

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It’s important that we have women
out there providing context for

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other young women to follow.

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It’s not a fight between men and women.

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It’s really about building each other
up and providing for each other.

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We’re helpers, right?

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Sharon Costanzo: Yeah, yeah.

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And I love that you
pointed, pointed that out.

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And that kind of point of, Gottman calls
it accepting your spouse’s influence.

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You know, it’s one of the seven
principles, the seven core principles

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of having a healthy relationship.

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And, and when I read that book, The
Seven Principles for Making Marriage

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Work, I remember seeing that.

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Um, that’s that, you know, that
principle accepting influence.

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And one of the observations that Gottman
has made in his forty plus years of

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studying relationships is that about two
thirds of men really struggle to receive

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influence from their female partners.

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And it’s destructive in the relationship
when they can’t, you know, we kind

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of have that, that, still what I
would call old fashioned view of,

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you know, the man is the decider.

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It really is destructive in
our relationships when men

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can’t receive influence.

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And I think also women do a
disservice to the relationship when

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they hesitate to bring up issues
and try and have them resolved.

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You know, I say it’s your job also
as a woman to be an influential

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force in the relationship, to not
be a passive participant in your

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relationship, to be, you know, just
like you’re saying, to be bold and

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influential and decide what’s important
to you and really advocate for it.

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Because you, by you doing that, and
you kind of maybe pressuring the

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system, if it needs to be pressured,
providing that, that pressure and say,

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Hey, we really need to address this.

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That’s how you grow and that’s how we
kind of overcome this, this big issue

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that we have within our society and
within our homes of people not being

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able to navigate tough issues and
resolve conflict and really create

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something better than what the status
quo is offering to us right now.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, that’s very huge.

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So, you know, a big thing about
fixing us is understanding who we

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are, and we oftentimes look externally
for the answers that we need.

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However, many times we figure
out in the long haul that

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the answers are inside of us.

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And it’s, we are afraid to ask
those questions to ourselves to

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resolve those underlying issues.

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And I really think that that is kind of
interesting that we don’t allow ourselves

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to be critical of ourselves enough.

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What do you think about that?

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Sharon Costanzo: I think that it’s, it
is, it’s really difficult to see kind

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of that shadow part of who we are.

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You know, it’s difficult to see how
we kind of can so easily deceive and

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justify ourselves in some of the ways
that we’re, we’re showing up in the

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world and, and not being really fair and
kind to the people that we care about.

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Um, I think that it takes a lot
of maturity and self compassion to

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really be able to see kind of that
darker part of our true nature.

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Ed Watters: Yeah, I agree a lot.

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So, with that being said, we see
a lot of men’s groups and women’s

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groups to find out who we truly are.

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But we don’t see a lot of couples groups.

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And I think moving beyond the separation
between manhood and womanhood, I believe

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that if you are in a relationship,
you should already be beyond the, who

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a woman is and who a man is, and you
should move into what a couple is.

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And this brings us meaningful answers to
many questions that couples have that,

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it’s hard to find those answers for.

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And I’m not against a man’s group or
a woman’s group, I think those also

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play a critical role in our lives.

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But I think that it’s also equally
important to find other couples that

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bear our own morals, our own ethics,
and we should group up with those so we

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can embody the spirit of relationship.

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What’s your thoughts on that?

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Sharon Costanzo: Yeah, I
totally agree with that.

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And I remember, so, you know, like I said,
I have, I have two engineering degrees.

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I worked for the utility company
for about nine years here in Utah.

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And it was a very, for me, it was a
very toxic, oppressive environment.

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Um, very traditional old
school men running everything,

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very stark gender bias.

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I, you know, I had a group of women at
work that we kind of all banded together

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and we were moral support for each other.

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None of us work there anymore, but
I remember they were starting this,

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um, like women’s support group and
it was balanced with men and women.

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And, and I, you know, I kind of raised
my hand in one of the meetings and I

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said, Men and women in this company are
having very different experiences at work.

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What are we going to do about it?

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And one of the guys in the group was
very wise, you know, and he said, We need

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to be having more shared experiences.

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Which is exactly what
you’re talking about.

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And that is one of the things that has
kind of evolved in my business as well.

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You know, I used to speak very directly
to women, all the time to women.

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And, um, just in the last couple of
years, I’ve been, you know, attending

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00:19:07,229 –> 00:19:13,070
local networking groups and, and there’s,
there’s often almost always just as

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many men as women in those groups.

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And, and I was having men come up to me
and ask me, you know, just really tender,

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heartfelt questions about things that
were coming up in their relationships

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that they didn’t have a really, platform
to do, to ask those types of questions.

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And, and I thought, and I just
started having people more,

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reach out to me in that way.

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So I, I started hosting a monthly
couples group for couples to start

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exploring some of those things.

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Because it’s just like you said,
you know, there’s, there are some

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things that are unique for many
men in relationships and unique for

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00:19:52,335 –> 00:19:54,544
many men, women in relationships.

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But the opposite is also true,
you know, there are things that

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women are feeling that they don’t
realize men are feeling also.

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There’s things that men are
feeling that they, they don’t

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recognize that women also feel.

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And until we really get people in the
same room and provide a, a container

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where it’s safe to explore some of those
things and, and be vulnerable and, and

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share what your experience is like,

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it’s, it’s so powerful I think as a man
or a woman to be in that room and to

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hear, and, you know, if you’re a woman,
to hear another man speak, that’s not

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your husband, you know, that you don’t
have all of that baggage with, to hear

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00:20:37,510 –> 00:20:44,100
them speak openly and vulnerable and
vulnerably can really help you to see

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your own partner in a different light.

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To have a more warm and compassionate
view of what they’re doing that

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makes your life challenging and to
see it from a different perspective.

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Just, it makes all the difference
to, to provide a little bit more

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kind of care, and compassion, and
room to explore some of those things.

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Ed Watters: Yes, that’s well put.

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Uh, some of the best advice I ever
received is, early on in our relationship,

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when I reached out, one of the first
times for counseling, our counselor

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pointed us at Gary Smalley, and he’s a
relationship coach, way back old school.

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And he told us, Men and
women are different.

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We think different, we act
different, we’re different.

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And sometimes when we come
together in a relationship, we

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forget that we’re different.

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And we really have to be in tune with that
at all times because we are different,

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we think different, we act different.

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And we should be different, it’s the
beautiful thing about every relationship.

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Not just man and woman, any relationship.

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We’re different and we should
respect that difference.

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It doesn’t have to be annoying, you have
to just own up that we’re different.

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And then the respect of the difference
is really a beautiful thing when

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we actually think about that.

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And when we tolerate each other because
we are different, we learn different

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00:22:39,645 –> 00:22:47,115
mannerisms to interact with each other
because the communication will get better.

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We evolve in other words.

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So what’s your thought on that?

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Sharon Costanzo: Um, yeah.

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I think often when we’re kind of in
our, whether it’s like an earlier

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developmental phase, or we just haven’t
outgrown that fear of being different,

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it can feel really disruptive.

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00:23:10,875 –> 00:23:14,684
You know, I think, uh, one of the
things that Terry Real says often about

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00:23:14,685 –> 00:23:20,550
relationships is, we marry our partner
because they’re familiar enough to us.

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They remind us of something
from our childhood, you know,

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00:23:23,590 –> 00:23:27,220
they’re enough like our mom and
dad that, that we can accept it.

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But they’re different enough that
we think, Oh, this is my opportunity

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to, to heal some part of myself
that didn’t get healed as a child.

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And we start pulling at that like,
Oh, here, you need to be this

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way to make me feel better about

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some unresolved part of, of my history.

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And really the opportunity, and
I found this to be especially

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true in my relationship.

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And I’m a, I don’t think
I’m unique in that way.

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But some of the things that have been
the most challenging in my relationship

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00:23:59,135 –> 00:24:03,585
that I’ve tried to change about my
husband have turned out to be the

316
00:24:03,625 –> 00:24:09,179
things that I have been able to look
back and say, Oh, where’s my, that

317
00:24:09,179 –> 00:24:13,560
little Sharon is hurting for something
that she didn’t get as a child.

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00:24:13,939 –> 00:24:18,340
How can I now as the wise adult in
this relationship that I have with

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00:24:18,350 –> 00:24:24,569
my, my younger self, go back and give
that to her rather than trying to

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00:24:24,569 –> 00:24:27,500
pull on my husband to give it to me.

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00:24:27,719 –> 00:24:29,860
And I know I’m not
articulating this very well.

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It’s, it’s kind of a, uh,
a very, what’s the word?

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00:24:36,500 –> 00:24:42,610
It’s not a super concrete concept, but,
you know, just as an example, I, I think

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I married someone outside of the church
because I thought men who grew up in the

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00:24:47,710 –> 00:24:52,159
church don’t respect the independence
as, of women as much as men who didn’t.

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So my husband’s gonna really
respect my independence and my

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Intelligence and all of that.

328
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And anytime I would see any
sign that he didn’t, I would

329
00:25:01,120 –> 00:25:03,370
be like, Ahh, what did I miss?

330
00:25:03,370 –> 00:25:05,850
I missed a red flag, I
married the wrong person.

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00:25:05,850 –> 00:25:10,299
And, and I think every time,
there are definitely times when

332
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you, you did miss a red flag and
you did marry the wrong person.

333
00:25:15,029 –> 00:25:19,560
But I think for most of us, when you
see that, oh, I missed a red flag,

334
00:25:19,580 –> 00:25:23,250
I married the wrong person,
that’s the sign from the universe

335
00:25:23,260 –> 00:25:28,155
saying, this is something for
you to work on within yourself.

336
00:25:28,635 –> 00:25:34,435
Can I stay grounded in myself,
even when I have a husband who

337
00:25:34,435 –> 00:25:38,594
doesn’t just automatically value
and appreciate everything about me?

338
00:25:39,075 –> 00:25:44,344
Can I value and appreciate everything
about me as imperfect as I am

339
00:25:45,034 –> 00:25:50,894
so that my husband’s, you know,
constant admiration and validation

340
00:25:50,894 –> 00:25:53,185
of me isn’t just a constant need.

341
00:25:53,995 –> 00:25:59,774
Um, but I can grow that in myself
and stay, you know, grounded in that.

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00:26:00,115 –> 00:26:06,225
Or we can have a difference about
finances or, or some other issue and

343
00:26:06,225 –> 00:26:08,485
I don’t have to prove that I’m right.

344
00:26:08,535 –> 00:26:13,875
I can say, Oh, we have a different
perspective on this, what

345
00:26:13,875 –> 00:26:15,455
are your values in this area?

346
00:26:15,455 –> 00:26:16,045
What are mine?

347
00:26:16,045 –> 00:26:19,095
And how can we figure out something
that works for both of us?

348
00:26:21,655 –> 00:26:25,655
So I know those are kind of two very
different examples, but I do think

349
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that those differences that we have,
they’re opportunities for us to explore.

350
00:26:31,965 –> 00:26:35,264
You know, what’s, what’s a part of
me that’s maybe still hurting that

351
00:26:35,264 –> 00:26:40,004
I need to give some attention to,
or what’s an opportunity for us to

352
00:26:40,465 –> 00:26:45,240
create a new and better way that we’ve
never explored before because we, we

353
00:26:45,240 –> 00:26:47,990
haven’t had this, this difference.

354
00:26:48,370 –> 00:26:50,250
Ed Watters: You know, it’s interesting.

355
00:26:50,290 –> 00:26:51,900
You said

356
00:26:54,810 –> 00:27:00,550
a lot of couples deal with
this when we feel that I did

357
00:27:00,550 –> 00:27:02,550
not marry the right person.

358
00:27:03,939 –> 00:27:09,540
I like to challenge that because I,
I think when we have that type of

359
00:27:09,550 –> 00:27:15,110
feeling in a relationship, it’s, it’s
more along the lines that we’re not

360
00:27:15,120 –> 00:27:21,940
receiving what we expect we should be
receiving at the time, like you laid out.

361
00:27:22,200 –> 00:27:29,850
So those needs and those wants will
make us act childishly and lash out

362
00:27:29,949 –> 00:27:32,600
because we’re not receiving those.

363
00:27:33,009 –> 00:27:40,530
But sometimes it’s one of the
best things that can happen to us.

364
00:27:40,540 –> 00:27:47,540
So maybe those relationships that we
run from all the time are the lessons

365
00:27:47,550 –> 00:27:49,390
that we need to learn the most.

366
00:27:49,665 –> 00:27:54,345
And therefore, you’ve got to stand
your ground in a relationship.

367
00:27:54,795 –> 00:27:59,495
Because if you’re going to pack
that baggage to the next person,

368
00:27:59,695 –> 00:28:05,560
as soon as they trigger the same
emotional response from you, Well,

369
00:28:05,560 –> 00:28:07,600
that person’s not right for me.

370
00:28:07,610 –> 00:28:10,909
So I really don’t like to hear that.

371
00:28:10,909 –> 00:28:16,719
I like for people to really know
who they’re marrying up front, ask

372
00:28:16,759 –> 00:28:25,530
these questions boldly, and then
dive in and ride the roller coaster.

373
00:28:25,629 –> 00:28:28,659
It’s not easy, but it’s really fun.

374
00:28:28,730 –> 00:28:30,870
And that’s, that’s the point.

375
00:28:30,919 –> 00:28:38,004
Once we figure out that these things
that we are going up and down together

376
00:28:38,084 –> 00:28:40,774
about, we’re doing them together.

377
00:28:40,794 –> 00:28:48,435
And I can tell you I need help for a
lot of these roller coasters because

378
00:28:49,074 –> 00:28:54,664
my baggage that I packed in from my
younger life is still there with my

379
00:28:54,664 –> 00:29:02,005
wife, and I don’t want that baggage to
disrupt the joy that I have with my wife.

380
00:29:02,575 –> 00:29:08,065
So packing that baggage is really
important for people to understand

381
00:29:08,065 –> 00:29:12,364
and learn to address because
it’s something inside them.

382
00:29:12,925 –> 00:29:20,624
Because the person that you’re addressing
this to or pointing at, well, they’re

383
00:29:20,624 –> 00:29:23,270
just doing what they always do.

384
00:29:23,280 –> 00:29:30,240
They’re the same person that you
married, but for some reason, a

385
00:29:30,240 –> 00:29:37,489
smell, a sight, a sound triggered some
fear response or emotional response,

386
00:29:37,850 –> 00:29:39,999
and now we don’t want to be there.

387
00:29:39,999 –> 00:29:47,460
So oftentimes we walk away and we
miss the joy of that disruption

388
00:29:47,460 –> 00:29:53,560
that you find later in life,
after you’ve built those emotional

389
00:29:54,450 –> 00:29:58,150
intelligence values up in yourself.

390
00:29:58,490 –> 00:30:03,339
And then we can see, Oh, I’m
so glad that I stuck it out.

391
00:30:03,450 –> 00:30:09,880
Even though it was so emotional
and terrifying, I am so proud of

392
00:30:09,890 –> 00:30:12,799
myself that I could stick it out.

393
00:30:14,119 –> 00:30:16,590
I really don’t like baggage.

394
00:30:16,790 –> 00:30:17,940
What’s your,

395
00:30:19,960 –> 00:30:23,020
what’s your take on dragging
your baggage with you?

396
00:30:24,160 –> 00:30:24,570
Sharon Costanzo: Uhh.

397
00:30:24,935 –> 00:30:29,905
Well, it’s so, um, it’s so easy to do.

398
00:30:29,915 –> 00:30:34,505
It’s so, like you were talking earlier,
you were asking me earlier about, you

399
00:30:34,505 –> 00:30:40,134
know, just seeing kind of our weaknesses
without, without hiding from them.

400
00:30:40,445 –> 00:30:48,665
I think it’s hard to recognize what is our
baggage and what is not, you know, it’s

401
00:30:48,665 –> 00:30:57,015
hard to see just how I think like flawed
and ineffective we can be in relationships

402
00:30:57,025 –> 00:31:00,075
because it’s all we’ve known, you know?

403
00:31:00,404 –> 00:31:07,175
We, um, I love doing the work that I
do, especially as I kind of compare it

404
00:31:07,175 –> 00:31:12,570
to my kids who are eight and nine years
old right now, because they’re in this

405
00:31:12,570 –> 00:31:18,320
developmental stage where they’re really
like learning and exploring like what

406
00:31:18,320 –> 00:31:20,789
works and doesn’t work in relationships.

407
00:31:20,789 –> 00:31:22,290
How can I get what I want?

408
00:31:22,300 –> 00:31:26,829
What, you know, I, my two kids,
they approach things so differently

409
00:31:26,829 –> 00:31:28,050
when they want something.

410
00:31:28,460 –> 00:31:32,790
My daughter just walks in and demands
it, you know, and she’s such a good

411
00:31:32,810 –> 00:31:35,629
negotiator, it can be exhausting.

412
00:31:36,230 –> 00:31:43,615
But it’s so interesting and, and
really delightful to see them figuring

413
00:31:43,615 –> 00:31:50,315
things out and to also reflect on,
like, How did I learn how to cope in

414
00:31:50,315 –> 00:31:53,415
this imperfect world that we’re in?

415
00:31:53,464 –> 00:31:57,294
And, and then to, you know, become
an adult and be like, Oh, you know,

416
00:31:57,294 –> 00:32:01,795
some of those coping strategies
that I learned as a kid, you know,

417
00:32:02,435 –> 00:32:07,805
with kind of the, the harsh and critical
home that I grew up in, some of those

418
00:32:07,835 –> 00:32:12,035
coping strategies that I have of being
a really high achiever and being a

419
00:32:12,035 –> 00:32:16,775
perfectionist and, and all of those
things, I really like that about myself

420
00:32:17,175 –> 00:32:24,994
a lot of times, and I also see how much
harm it can have on my relationships when

421
00:32:24,994 –> 00:32:28,384
I don’t recognize that I have a choice.

422
00:32:29,565 –> 00:32:34,575
And when I don’t, um, you know, pause and
take a breath, just like you’re saying,

423
00:32:34,575 –> 00:32:37,345
and like, is something really wrong here?

424
00:32:37,345 –> 00:32:38,605
Or am I just triggered?

425
00:32:40,025 –> 00:32:47,125
Um, so yeah, we, we do, we have
so much, we, it’s so, yeah, just

426
00:32:47,164 –> 00:32:52,465
interesting to kind of think about,
what is it in this moment that

427
00:32:52,575 –> 00:32:55,510
needs to be handled in the present?

428
00:32:55,560 –> 00:33:02,410
And how much of this is colored by
the pains of my past and how can I

429
00:33:02,440 –> 00:33:08,800
separate those and really just handle
what needs to be handled right now?

430
00:33:08,910 –> 00:33:12,260
Ed Watters: That, that, that
is key to every relationship.

431
00:33:12,289 –> 00:33:19,469
If, if we can identify our inner troubles
about ourselves, it’s so much easier

432
00:33:19,549 –> 00:33:25,245
to be empathetic towards other people’s
troubles that they’re dealing with.

433
00:33:25,305 –> 00:33:27,915
Because we’re all dealing
with them, they’re there.

434
00:33:28,305 –> 00:33:29,355
And they’re going to pop

435
00:33:29,355 –> 00:33:29,435
Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

436
00:33:30,955 –> 00:33:34,645
Ed Watters: and really, I
don’t think it’s a bad thing.

437
00:33:34,645 –> 00:33:38,515
You’ve got to be able to
feel confident and, you know,

438
00:33:38,515 –> 00:33:41,534
want to try to be different.

439
00:33:41,535 –> 00:33:46,165
And sometimes it just doesn’t kick
off the way you think it’s going to.

440
00:33:46,165 –> 00:33:48,215
It’s just a thing, you know?

441
00:33:48,215 –> 00:33:52,740
So oftentimes we have to
remember that, it’s just a thing.

442
00:33:53,070 –> 00:34:01,679
But life, it’s short and we’ve got to make
the most out of it as quick as possible.

443
00:34:01,980 –> 00:34:08,799
And really that gets back to our
underlying problem of communication.

444
00:34:09,040 –> 00:34:15,919
You gotta get the communication as quick
as possible set in your relationship.

445
00:34:17,619 –> 00:34:18,969
Sharon Costanzo: Oh yeah, for sure.

446
00:34:19,310 –> 00:34:19,900
For sure.

447
00:34:19,900 –> 00:34:20,180
Yeah.

448
00:34:20,180 –> 00:34:26,700
The, the better you’re able to learn to
communicate, to be honest without being

449
00:34:27,240 –> 00:34:32,840
confrontational, to be patient while
you figure some of these things out,

450
00:34:32,900 –> 00:34:35,699
um, the better off you’ll be for sure.

451
00:34:36,020 –> 00:34:36,430
For sure.

452
00:34:36,430 –> 00:34:39,859
And the other thing I talk about
my, I talk about with my clients

453
00:34:39,939 –> 00:34:46,615
often is, you know, this work
that we do, it’s not just for us.

454
00:34:47,315 –> 00:34:52,195
It really is a legacy that
we create for our kids.

455
00:34:52,955 –> 00:35:01,885
And, um, it’s so powerful to be a part
of changing the legacy of relationships.

456
00:35:02,655 –> 00:35:10,405
Um, and, and handing that legacy off
to our kids and, you know, knowing that

457
00:35:10,405 –> 00:35:17,930
we’ve done, in good faith, we’ve done
our best to provide them with a healthy

458
00:35:18,030 –> 00:35:21,360
framework for relating to other people.

459
00:35:22,160 –> 00:35:23,950
Ed Watters: Yes, it’s so important.

460
00:35:24,050 –> 00:35:29,889
That, that was laid out very well
because that’s actually what we’re doing.

461
00:35:30,260 –> 00:35:31,900
We are bridge builders.

462
00:35:32,589 –> 00:35:38,325
There’s this cavern that we
have to bridge that divide.

463
00:35:38,375 –> 00:35:45,225
So those young people coming forward,
they don’t have that difficult crossing.

464
00:35:45,615 –> 00:35:49,765
And, and that’s what it’s truly
about, educating the young.

465
00:35:49,905 –> 00:35:56,415
Because it’s triumphal when you get
through it and you’ve learned to

466
00:35:56,415 –> 00:36:01,865
be happy with your relationship,
your life, where you are.

467
00:36:02,255 –> 00:36:04,315
And that’s not easy.

468
00:36:04,955 –> 00:36:11,265
It’s taken me, you know, almost
sixty years now, and it’s a beautiful

469
00:36:11,275 –> 00:36:13,674
thing that I can relate with it.

470
00:36:14,304 –> 00:36:19,555
And not only relate with it,
but want to pass that on.

471
00:36:20,025 –> 00:36:21,354
It’s so important.

472
00:36:21,535 –> 00:36:24,905
I think that’s why we’re
here podcasting today.

473
00:36:25,225 –> 00:36:28,375
It’s beautiful, I really like it.

474
00:36:30,285 –> 00:36:35,800
What are you doing with your podcast?

475
00:36:35,910 –> 00:36:40,250
You have things that you
work with couples about.

476
00:36:40,670 –> 00:36:46,019
Uh, I would really like to know the
correlation between the work you

477
00:36:46,019 –> 00:36:50,660
do with your podcast and the work
you do personally with couples.

478
00:36:51,490 –> 00:36:52,230
Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

479
00:36:53,600 –> 00:36:54,670
Yeah, yeah.

480
00:36:54,670 –> 00:36:58,750
Well, a lot of times, you know, I,
I’ll be seeing themes in the work

481
00:36:58,750 –> 00:37:03,530
I’m doing with, with couples and with
individuals, kind of themes that I’ll

482
00:37:03,580 –> 00:37:07,840
address, um, in a, in a podcast episode.

483
00:37:07,880 –> 00:37:13,425
So my podcast, I do, I interview guests,
which has been really interesting and

484
00:37:13,425 –> 00:37:19,115
enlightening to me to, to expand my
perspective on relationships and how to

485
00:37:19,115 –> 00:37:22,044
create healthy, satisfying relationships.

486
00:37:22,335 –> 00:37:28,414
And then I do also share solo episodes
to kind of really dive into some of

487
00:37:28,424 –> 00:37:33,255
these, what I would, what I would
call these critical principles, um,

488
00:37:33,265 –> 00:37:35,485
for creating healthy relationships.

489
00:37:35,535 –> 00:37:40,415
So we do, we talk a lot about
navigating conflict, we talk a lot

490
00:37:40,415 –> 00:37:46,850
about, um, kind of, really, how do you
sit in the discomfort of all of it?

491
00:37:47,590 –> 00:37:51,630
And not lose, not lose it,
is really a big part of it.

492
00:37:51,630 –> 00:37:56,160
I had a listener, like I, you know,
like I mentioned, I, I do, I like

493
00:37:56,160 –> 00:37:58,340
to do a lot of local networking too.

494
00:37:58,340 –> 00:38:03,550
And, and one of the guys I met several
months ago came up to me recently and he’s

495
00:38:03,550 –> 00:38:05,970
like, Thank you so much for your podcast.

496
00:38:05,980 –> 00:38:09,870
And, and it’s really changed my marriage
and, and what I shared with you.

497
00:38:09,870 –> 00:38:16,580
And he’s like, Just being able to
sit in the mess and see, you know,

498
00:38:16,580 –> 00:38:23,400
see my own part in my relationships
has been very transformational.

499
00:38:23,970 –> 00:38:30,640
And so I, I do think I do a pretty good
job at outlining, outlining, this is

500
00:38:30,640 –> 00:38:34,700
how you’re, you know, this is how you’re
getting in your own way of getting

501
00:38:34,700 –> 00:38:37,680
what you want in a compassionate way.

502
00:38:37,950 –> 00:38:39,830
And this is what you can do about it.

503
00:38:40,120 –> 00:38:43,310
And that’s what I’m really
proud about with the podcast is,

504
00:38:44,250 –> 00:38:46,620
it’s optimistic, it’s hopeful.

505
00:38:47,110 –> 00:38:51,530
Um, it’s also, I’m, I’m a pretty
direct, I call it like I see it.

506
00:38:51,540 –> 00:38:57,089
So we’re not, we’re not dancing around
offering these fluffy platitudes.

507
00:38:57,089 –> 00:39:01,770
We’re really talking about the nitty
gritty of relationships and, and

508
00:39:01,770 –> 00:39:07,979
conflict and, and how to make sense of
it all and, and bring your best to it.

509
00:39:09,169 –> 00:39:09,379
Ed Watters: Yep.

510
00:39:11,039 –> 00:39:12,200
I like that a lot.

511
00:39:12,230 –> 00:39:15,560
You know, platitudes will get you nowhere.

512
00:39:16,010 –> 00:39:23,990
And, you know, being direct is
truthful and truth will set you free.

513
00:39:24,590 –> 00:39:29,180
That’s the beauty of finding
that openness of truth.

514
00:39:29,759 –> 00:39:35,650
Because those little white lies to skirt
a confrontation, it’s not worth it.

515
00:39:36,020 –> 00:39:39,590
I can tell you 100 percent,
be truthful up front.

516
00:39:40,070 –> 00:39:45,110
Get your needs met the way you
feel that they need to be met,

517
00:39:45,530 –> 00:39:48,350
and that limits the confrontation.

518
00:39:48,660 –> 00:39:54,379
There is a person out there for
you, don’t dive at the first one

519
00:39:54,410 –> 00:39:57,789
thinking it’s the best you can do.

520
00:39:58,170 –> 00:40:01,780
Get to know the person and
see if that’s a good fit.

521
00:40:02,140 –> 00:40:06,810
It’s really one of the
difficulties in our world today.

522
00:40:06,810 –> 00:40:12,100
We want to just be like everything
else in our world, disposable.

523
00:40:12,170 –> 00:40:14,510
You know, throw it away, grab a new one.

524
00:40:15,540 –> 00:40:20,830
That’s not meaningful and you’ll
never find true happiness doing that.

525
00:40:21,579 –> 00:40:25,289
The partner you’re with, especially
if you’ve been with them more

526
00:40:25,289 –> 00:40:29,250
than two years, is probably the
one you’re meant to be with.

527
00:40:29,690 –> 00:40:33,370
You know, you’ve got to figure
that out within yourself.

528
00:40:33,900 –> 00:40:38,540
And, and each, each case is different,
every relationship is different.

529
00:40:39,195 –> 00:40:45,185
So the big key is we have to
be able to communicate and

530
00:40:45,235 –> 00:40:47,435
ask for help when we need it.

531
00:40:48,885 –> 00:40:53,325
What’s your take on asking
for help when you need it?

532
00:40:53,365 –> 00:40:58,725
And, and bigger than that, what’s the
sign of knowing when you need help?

533
00:40:59,015 –> 00:40:59,405
Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

534
00:40:59,405 –> 00:41:04,265
Well, I think that’s so important
and I think most of us wait too long.

535
00:41:04,284 –> 00:41:10,620
There’s so much kind of shame around that
issue of, of getting, for getting help.

536
00:41:10,620 –> 00:41:13,730
And there’s also a lot of
disappointment, like when you reach

537
00:41:13,730 –> 00:41:17,900
out for help and you get terrible
help, like that, it does happen.

538
00:41:17,900 –> 00:41:20,260
I, I’ve experienced it myself.

539
00:41:20,280 –> 00:41:26,190
But my rule of thumb is, you know, if you
have a certain issue that keeps coming

540
00:41:26,190 –> 00:41:31,620
up in your relationship and you’re not
able to handle it on your own, you’ve

541
00:41:31,630 –> 00:41:35,590
probably read a book or two and listened
to some podcasts and you’re still not,

542
00:41:36,510 –> 00:41:39,680
you know, you’re still not making the
progress that you would like, then that’s

543
00:41:39,870 –> 00:41:41,830
time to reach out and get some help.

544
00:41:42,440 –> 00:41:44,200
Um, find someone you can trust.

545
00:41:44,210 –> 00:41:48,510
I remember the best advice I ever
got was, you know, my husband and I

546
00:41:48,520 –> 00:41:52,840
had seen a few couples counselors at
this time, and I was going to my own

547
00:41:52,840 –> 00:41:57,510
therapist to try, and well, like the
couples work we’re doing isn’t helping

548
00:41:57,510 –> 00:42:01,650
so maybe I can get my own therapist to
help me with boundaries or something.

549
00:42:02,070 –> 00:42:05,340
And she said, Find somebody
who’s like a reasonable enough

550
00:42:05,350 –> 00:42:08,660
fit and go for twelve sessions.

551
00:42:09,510 –> 00:42:11,470
And that’s what we did.

552
00:42:11,570 –> 00:42:14,050
And some of the things we
got from that therapist were

553
00:42:14,050 –> 00:42:16,400
helpful, other things weren’t.

554
00:42:16,879 –> 00:42:21,220
We, you know, we kind of muddled
along and got more help along

555
00:42:21,220 –> 00:42:24,400
the way, but that’s part of it.

556
00:42:24,440 –> 00:42:28,220
I mean, we, one of the things I think
about often is, you know, I went

557
00:42:28,220 –> 00:42:34,725
to college for five years to become
an engineer and we treat, like,

558
00:42:34,735 –> 00:42:39,045
marriage help counseling and therapy
like things should be fixed in two

559
00:42:39,045 –> 00:42:40,885
or three sessions with one person.

560
00:42:42,360 –> 00:42:46,920
And you might need in the
course of your marriage, you’re

561
00:42:46,920 –> 00:42:49,610
going to need multiple mentors.

562
00:42:49,920 –> 00:42:54,699
You’re going to need to learn from
multiple people, and you’re going to

563
00:42:54,700 –> 00:43:02,739
need to learn more than two or three
hours at a time of, it takes time.

564
00:43:02,849 –> 00:43:05,020
It takes dedication and commitment.

565
00:43:05,460 –> 00:43:10,980
And if you’re committed to having
a long term satisfying, meaningful

566
00:43:10,980 –> 00:43:15,680
relationship, and you’re not there
right now, and you can’t figure out

567
00:43:15,680 –> 00:43:21,400
why, and everything that you’ve tried
has not worked, then get some help.

568
00:43:22,039 –> 00:43:30,240
Um, because there is help out there, and
I think it’s worth it, um, to keep trying.

569
00:43:30,755 –> 00:43:33,085
Ed Watters: Big, I like that a lot.

570
00:43:33,655 –> 00:43:41,034
Uh, I could, I could go on for hours
with you because I feel the need and the

571
00:43:41,035 –> 00:43:44,204
importance of this type of conversations.

572
00:43:44,525 –> 00:43:46,515
And I really appreciate that.

573
00:43:47,164 –> 00:43:50,495
Uh, Sharon, do you have a
call to action for people?

574
00:43:50,495 –> 00:43:56,675
And could you let people also know how
to get in touch with you and the services

575
00:43:56,705 –> 00:43:59,804
that you want to provide for the people?

576
00:44:00,380 –> 00:44:01,080
Sharon Costanzo: Yeah.

577
00:44:01,080 –> 00:44:02,250
Yeah, definitely.

578
00:44:02,250 –> 00:44:06,230
I would say, like, the best way to get
in touch with me is to just go to my

579
00:44:06,230 –> 00:44:09,320
website, respectedandconnected.com.

580
00:44:09,660 –> 00:44:13,009
And that’s where you can find my
podcast, you can find the links to

581
00:44:13,009 –> 00:44:16,669
listen to my podcast, which is also
called Respected and Connected.

582
00:44:17,130 –> 00:44:21,955
Um, You can schedule a consult call
with me if you’re interested, you

583
00:44:21,955 –> 00:44:25,375
know, if you’re one of those people
who’s like, ahh, I’m stuck, I’m

584
00:44:25,375 –> 00:44:27,525
frustrated, I don’t know what else to do.

585
00:44:27,855 –> 00:44:31,044
Um, schedule a free call with me
and we can kind of talk through

586
00:44:31,044 –> 00:44:36,444
what’s going on and see if working
together, um, in a, in a private

587
00:44:36,445 –> 00:44:38,804
coaching arrangement is a good fit.

588
00:44:39,004 –> 00:44:44,705
Um, I also do, like I said, I offer those
group couples calls and, and that’s all on

589
00:44:44,705 –> 00:44:47,505
my website at respectedandconnected.com.

590
00:44:48,210 –> 00:44:51,170
Ed Watters: And do you have a
call to action or a piece of

591
00:44:51,300 –> 00:44:53,290
wisdom for our listeners today?

592
00:44:54,190 –> 00:45:01,109
Sharon Costanzo: The call to action,
I would say, Just be willing to, just

593
00:45:01,110 –> 00:45:09,160
like we talked about, be willing to
see more of yourself, to, to admit that

594
00:45:09,160 –> 00:45:10,890
you don’t know what you don’t know.

595
00:45:11,290 –> 00:45:15,439
Um, even if you’ve been trying
really hard for a long time.

596
00:45:15,810 –> 00:45:19,789
A lot of people come to me and
they think their partner must

597
00:45:19,800 –> 00:45:23,449
be the problem because they have
done everything they can think of.

598
00:45:23,969 –> 00:45:30,840
Um, and it’s at that point, I think, it’s
time to, to kind of soften your heart and

599
00:45:30,840 –> 00:45:36,770
humble yourself a little bit and be like
there might be something about how I’m

600
00:45:36,770 –> 00:45:42,100
coming across in this relationship that
I, I haven’t recognized and seen yet.

601
00:45:42,689 –> 00:45:48,020
And to be willing to see it, is
going to be transformational.

602
00:45:48,520 –> 00:45:50,120
Ed Watters: Yeah, that’s big.

603
00:45:50,560 –> 00:45:52,769
Sharon, you’re a superhero.

604
00:45:52,850 –> 00:45:57,780
That, that hard truth is what
couples need most of all.

605
00:45:58,210 –> 00:46:01,940
I want to say thank you for
being here today, sharing your

606
00:46:01,990 –> 00:46:06,270
story and your expertise with
us on the Dead America Podcast.

607
00:46:07,430 –> 00:46:08,100
Sharon Costanzo: Thank you.

608
00:46:11,610 –> 00:46:13,360
Ed Watters: Thank you
for joining us today.

609
00:46:13,940 –> 00:46:20,199
If you found this podcast enlightening,
entertaining, educational in any way,

610
00:46:20,959 –> 00:46:27,320
please share, like, subscribe, and join
us right back here next week for another

611
00:46:27,340 –> 00:46:30,660
great episode of the Dead America Podcast.

612
00:46:31,040 –> 00:46:36,329
I’m Ed Watters, your host, enjoy
your afternoon wherever you might be.

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